Tater Tot Awards for Fantasy Baseball Playing Gentlemen and the Players Whom They Own... But Not Like That

Awards, I think that every major site that does fantasy baseball has some.  Hell, some sites (like my personal favorite, Grantland) dont even do fantasy baseball and they still have awards (Grantland does do fantasy reality tv and used to have the single greatest creation of fantasy sports of any kind, the Bad Quarterback League ... thats a link...click it...we can wait).  Obviously, as the most majorist of the major sites, we need our own awards.  In the vein of the Derek Zoolander Center for Children Who Cant't Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too, here are the Tater Tot Awards for Fantasy Baseball Playing Gentlemen and the Players Whom They Own... But Not Like That.  And I promise, ours will be at least three times bigger than this.  If you dont know things about the people whom the awards are named after, then may god have mercy on your soul.

Bump Bailey Award (Bone Thugs MVP) - Michael Brantley - UCCMA
Brantley was a $5 waiver wire pick up in week 9 of this season.   Read that sentence again.  Here is what I wrote at the time: "Michael Brantley is a 6 category stud who flies under the radar because he doesnt really do any one thing spectacularly well. But a 306/374/510 slash line with 31 runs, 39 RBI and 8 stolen bases will play in any lineup. By the end of the season, there will be more than 1 of us kicking ourselves about not going in on the former Brewer farmhand sooner."  As it turns out, he was better than anyone could have expected, hitting 338/392/506 with 58 runs, 57 RBI and 15 stolen bases over 399 at bats in Uncle Jimmy's lineup.  It is unfortunate that he isnt going to garner any real life support for the MVP (for the record, I dont think that he should win it, but he should at least be in the conversation).  Brantley has been toying with this kind of breakout for the past couple of seasons and in his age 27 season finally put it all together.

Henry Rowengartner Award (Bone Thugs Pitcher of the Year) - Felix Hernandez - MBHB
Sometimes I feel bad for Felix.  Well, not really bad, because he is a 28 year old superstar with many many many millions of dollars, a borderline Hall of Fame resume, the nickname "King" and an entire group of fans who call themselves "The King's Court."  But he has spent his entire career (and will likely spend his entire career...damn those Yankees!) playing for a terrible Seattle Mariner team.  Being in Seattle (and the AL West), the majority of his games start well after the East Coast Media Machine has gone into sleep mode, meaning that the casual fan catches his starts only in truncated, highlight form.  That is a hugely depressing thought, as Felix has developed himself into nothing short of a pitching Canaletto.  His precision and ability to make his pitches look identical to the hitter until the last possible moment would render him the greatest pitcher in many a generation. The highlight shows dont do his genius justice.  King Felix is best enjoyed as a full meal, not as tappas (which kinda of creep me out if we are being totally honest).  Unfortunately, he has the misfortune to pitch at the same time that another talented baseball throwing gentleman is doing some very mean things to completely suspecting batters.

Jake Taylor Award (Harmony MVP) - Andrew McCutchen - Les Moles
Usually I dont like the whole "MVP is the best player on the team that wins things" notion of the MVP, but in this case, its apt.  Coming into the season, pretty much everyone expected the dreadlocked Pirate to be one of the most important fantasy assets in the league and he did not disappoint.  The reigning NL MVP (who has pretty much no chance of winning the actual 2014 NL MVP because the Pirates werent the feel good story of this year the way they were last season) was one of two full time players in 2014 who finished the season with Escalator Club numbers for the season (314/410/542) adding in 89 runs, 83 RBIs and 18 stolen bases.  I searched high and low for a picture of Cutch dressed as Capt. Jack Sparrow, but I am not sure one exists.  I cant be the only one who thinks that he would be a perfect fit in Pirates of the Allegheny (UPDATE!!! I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE...there is at least one other person in the world who has an overactive imagination and a little time on his or her hands). 

Steve Nebraska Award (Harmony Pitcher of the Year) - Clayton Kershaw - ZAttack
This is the baseball throwing gentleman that King Felix is chasing...with very little hope of ever catching up.  Kershaw finished the season with 21 wins against 3 losses, a 1.77 ERA (the lowest since Pedro in 2000 and Maddux in 1995 were doing their things) with a 0.86 WHIP and 239 strikeouts in 198 innings...and he missed THE ENTIRE MONTH OF APRIL.  He gave up more than 3 runs in a start once, a completely inexplainable 7 run over 1 2/3 innings drubbing at the hands of the mighty Arizona DBacks back in May (he actually had a bit of a rough run through the end of May).  But once the calendar hit June, Kershaw dominated.  From June 1 through the end of the season, he started 21 games, going 18-1 while allowing a total of 25 earned runs.  This included a 4 start stretch in which he pitched 32  innings allowing only total 17 baserunners...runs?  who gives up runs?  Fuck runs?  Listen to this guy and his "how many runs did he give up?"  I am not sure what happens to Clayton when the words "Postseason" are uttered, but I think that NL teams need to start coming up with ways to make Kershaw think that a game in the middle of May is Game 1 of the NLDS.  Otherwise, the Steve Nebraska Award might as well set up permanent residence in th still just 26 year old pitcher's living room.  <<Quick aside -- I was looking at Kershaw's career stats and it dawned on me just how difficult winning 300 games in the Bigs is.  Kershaw is 26, has been in the best pitcher in MLB discussion for at least the last 4 years (meaning, starting when he was 23).  He has started 211 Big League games through his first 7 years (30 starts per season), has a 2.48 career ERA and a 1.05 career WHIP, has struck out nearly 7 batters per start (not per 9 innings, PER START) and he has 98 wins.  Basically, he would need to pitch for 15 more years at the same pace to reach 300 wins.  Read that sentence again.  The best pitcher on the planet would need to continue to be the best pitcher on the planet for 15 more years to realistically reach 300 wins.  And the craziest part is that he is probably the only pitcher currently playing who has any chance whatsoever to reach that milestone.  That makes you (or me, I guess) really appreciate the unbelievable excellence and longevity of guys like Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine and marvel at the chemical enchancement that Roger Clemens was able to cook up.

Jimmy Dugan Award (Manager of the Year) - Tom - Les Moles
It's easy to give the Manager of the Year award to the team that won the Crispy Crown (and Tom, dont worry I am still going to get the bag of Crispy Crowns to you, we just need to figure out a time and place for the glorious ceremony), but really, there was no one better this year.  Tom had a 9th place team nearly halfway through the season, then went on an incredible run that lasted through the Crispy Series.  Every week, there seemed to be a guy that was playing well that Tom took out of his lineup or a guy who was struggling who had been benched but was then started, and almost all of them worked out.  I mean...Dallas Keuchel?  Are you fucking kidding me?  I really should have just written "Dallas Keuchel" and been done with this section.

Icky Woods Award (Unexpected Greatness) - Corey Kluber - MTMTAS
Gonna git some cold cuts!  There are literally like 6 things in the entire world that can make me happier in a shorter time period than the Icky Woods commercial or the Icky Shuffle (if it is someone other than Icky doing the shuffle, like say Jeremy Hill, then 13 things make me happier faster). One of the things much lower on the list is watching athletes make "The Leap" and realize potential that even they didnt know they had.  And Corey Kluber made that Leap this season, and did so with all the excitement and exuberence of someone who was receiving a root canal while dropping a big steaming dookie on Carlos Santana's chest.  Going into the season, there was little reason to believe that the 6'4" 215 pound right hander was going to be more than a caddy to the Indians much more hyped prospect Danny Salazar.  For the first month of the season, both Kluber and Salazar struggled (Salazar was sent down and commited second degree unintentional homicide on about 9372729 fantasy teams in the process...you thought I was going to say he actually killed someone didnt you?  Hes not Alfredo Simon.).  But Kluber turned it around in May, putting together 6 quality starts in 6 turns and never striking out fewer than 8 batters (he struck out 60 in the month).  That set the table for a season that ended with 5 straight quality starts featuring 54 punch outs.  Bought for a pittance in almost every league (he was a $1 waiver pick up in ours), he returned one of the single largest profits of any player at any position.

Iceman Val Kilmer Award (Pickup of the Year) - 1b Victor Martinez - Huckleberries - $6 in week 9
I am pretty sure that Kevin had this conversation with a baseball card featuring Victor Martinez the day that he picked him up: “You’re everyone’s problem. That’s because every time you go upto the plate, you’re unsafe. I don’t like you because you’re dangerous.”  Then VMart was one of two players to put up Escalator Club numbers for the season (335/409/565), hit 32 homers and struck out only 42 times, and led the league in OPS.  At the end of the season, that conversation had turned into -"You can be my wingman anytime."  Now they are inseperable, Kevin and that Victor Martinez baseball card.






Icarus Award (High Acheivement, Then Crash) - SS Troy Tulowitzki - Dust Bunnies
Icarus is one of my favorite of the Greek myths.  Icarus and his father Daedalus were trapped in the labyrinth on the island of Crete.  Daedalus, being a clever inventor, created 2 sets of wings to help them escape.  Before taking off, Icarus is warned not to fly too close to the sea (for fear of the dampness weighing his wax wings down) or too close to the sun (for fear of the wax wings melting).  Icarus ignores his fathers advice, flies too close to the sun and drowns when his wings melt and he falls into the sea. Greek myths are always so uplifting.  Tulo started the season putting up numbers (340/432/603)that would fit favorably next to any Hall of Famer not named Babe Ruth and garnering some serious MVP buzz while playing for a better than expected Rockies team, then was injured and didnt play another game after July 19th and the Rocks fell apart.  He did, however managed to get himself caught up in all types of media attention...and not the good kind.  He showed up at Yankee Stadium (to watch Jetes and torture the entire state of Colorado into a legal weed enduced frenzy...who am I kidding, the entire state is always in a legal weed enduced frenzy) looking like a frat brosef who was all about being DTF, throwing ragers and making sure that his fauxhawk was perfectly manicured (this sentence pains me to write, because I genuinely like Troy Tulowitzki the baseball player.  I think that I would absolutely dispise Troy Tulowitxki the human being).  Anyways, for going from sure fire MVP finalist to complete and utter douche bag in the span of time it took him to make that hair decision, Tulo gets the Icarus.

Jhonathan Solano Award (Worst Player won at auction) - C Jhonatan Solano - Dust Bunnies

Why do you think Dusty drafted you?

This is actually my favorite award and I cannot wait to give it out to Dusty every single season.  It seemed fitting to name the award after the first recipient because he is the epitome of everything that is awesome about people who are employed by a MLB team but dont actually play for said MLB team.  Solano was not on the Nationals roster for a single game this year and, after 2013's 146/180/188 slash line, he really was never a threat to be.  The second best part of this "selection" was that Dusty nominated him as the 18th player in the entire auction, meaning that he somehow had to find Solano in the massive list of available players when he put him up for bid.  The best part about this is that Dusty could have drafted anyone in the world, from himself to Monica Lewinsky to MC Hammer or Helen Keller and he would have gotten the exact same value that he got from Jhonathan Solano.  I guess the same could be said about my Matt Harvey selection (he was out for the entire season with an injury), but, turns out, Matt Harvey is good at baseball and will be back in the Bigs in 2015...Solano will be lucky not to be bagging groceries in his hometown of Barranquilla, Colombia.

Ned Yost Award (Curious Managerial Decisions) - Dusty - Dust Bunnies

unless its Dusty

It feels weird to name a bad manager decision award after the guy who has his team in the World Series, but I really think that Yost lucked into the best bullpen in the last 25 years.  His best moves this season have been to follow the same script and not make too many game killing mistakes (like he was known to do in his days in the Mil).  Dusty takes home the Yost for things like drafting Solano and then starting him for several weeks despite the fact he was not on an actual team (to prove this was no fluke, he revived the idea later with AJ Pierzynski who was homeless after being cut by the Sawks before being rescued by the Cards).  He also went several weeks with players on the DL in his starting lineup, made exactly 4 roster moves for the season (1/4 as many as anyone else, and it wasnt like his team couldnt use some turnover) and spent only $17 of his budget ($10 on Chris Tillman) and did not make a move after July 1st...so much for prepping for the stretch run.  Much of this had to with the fact that Dusty doesnt have regular internet access (but come on man, its once a week!), but he swears that he is getting a smart phone before this upcoming season.  Then he wont have any excuse.  At least Dusty didnt go full Jerad:The Galleria of Quittery on us.