Quick note for Monday April 14

Hey Tot Heads.  I have terribly unfortunate news for all of you.  Our regularly scheduled Monday Recaps and Tuesday Pickups are going to be delayed a day each.  Stupid real life is getting in the way as I have to travel down to John Deere Harvester Works in East Moline for some meetings tomorrow.  We are leaving at like 5am and will not be back until 9 or 10.

Fear not, the regularly scheduled programming will return on Friday with ass hDLes and eventually Kyler will figure out something unique and entertaining to write about.  If anyone else is interested in posting from time to time, let me know and I can add you to the authors list.  If all you want to do is read and enjoy, that's a-ok too.

Anyways, I hope you can all survive your Monday sans Recaps.

ass hDLes – Week 1 and 2

Each week, there will undoubtedly be guys who totally fuck up our matchups by doing things like yanking their groins and blowing their knees or sucking for a couple of games and then yanking their groins and blowing their knees.  I figure, if they can mess our fake baseball team up with their real, and most likely painful, injuries, the least we can do is get a laugh at their expense.

Mark Baker All Stars- SS Jose Reyes TOR

I should have known better. Jose Reyes has been Mr. Glass without Bruce Willis over the past few years.  When I decided to trade Tony Cingrani (who immediately went out and struck out 9 guys in 5 innings in his first start) for Reyes just before the season, I knew that he would likely go on the DL at some point and submarine an entire week.  I did not think that would be the first week, during the first game, during his first at bat.  Reyes managed to hurt his hammy trying to run to first base.  His purpose on any fantasy baseball team?  Base hits and stolen bases.  Maybe he saved me from myself by forcing me into playing Xander Bogaerts.

Bob’s AutoTrackers – RP David Robertson NYY
Robertson was supposed to take over for Mariano Rivera as the SpankMe’s 9^th inning stopper.  For the first week, he did just that by registering 2 saves in 3 games while allowing only 1 hit and 1 BB.  Then…he hit the DL on Monday after rosters locked leaving Bob without the chance to replace him in this week’s lineup.  Seriously Yankees?  You couldn’t have thrown him on the DL after Sunday’s game?

Google tells me this is Nate Jones.  I was just joking Mr. Jones.

 MWP Master’s – RP Nate Jones CHI Sox
Nate Jones is our special ass hDLer of the week.  Besides giving John the impressive INF in both ERA and WHIP during week 1 by allowing 4 runs and 5 baserunners without registering a single out, Jones doubled down by then going on the DL on Thursday of week 1, thus leaving John 2 RPs short for week 2.  Yesterday, Yahoo reported that Jones received an epidural to deal with his injury which has been classified as a glute issue, then as a hip issue and is now being called a lower back issue.  I have never heard of anyone other than pregnant women receiving epidurals, so perhaps Nate Jones is pregnant and went through a wild emotional swing where he decided that he didn’t want to throw strikes or get batters out.  Neither Uncle Jimmy nor I know anything about pregnant women and their mood swings.  Uncle Jimmy’s wife may or may not have posted on facespace that she “Almost went on a murderous rampage yesterday over a missing sock.”  Anyways, Congrats Nate, he/she is gonna be a soccer playa!

 Springfield Isotopes – C Wilson Ramos WAS
This one worries me.  Ramos went 0 for 3 on Opening Day and then hit the DL with a hamate injury requiring surgery.  Ramos will be out 4-8 weeks.  This concerns me for 2 reasons.  1) Ramos went out on opening day and is still in Jerad’s week 2 lineup and as of now is still in his week 3 lineup.  After missing the draft, Jerad is not inspiring much confidence in his reliability as a fake owner for a fake baseball team. 2) Ramos’s injury may very well lead to a Jhonathon Solano’s reascendance to the major league level.  Solano will still be bad at professional baseball but then Dusty will be able to play the “I knew he was coming up” card instead of the “I drafted a player that no one has ever heard of” card.

Yup...This guy has more free time now.

 Springfield Isotopes – OF Jaaaaash Hamilton ANA
Apparently no one ever taught Jaaaaash that sliding in to first base is a really dumb thing to try to do in almost every conceivable circumstance (the lone exception being when an offline throw brings the first basemen up the line into the runner and sliding makes it more difficult for the 1b to get the tag on the runner) or he forgot about it during one of his Coke fueled alcohol rage binges.  I would say we’re at about 50-50 odds on that one.  So now Hamilton will take his insane 444/545/741slash line to the DL for the next 6-8 weeks.  Free time is just what someone like Hamilton needs to keep himself in great baseball playing shape.  This injury will tell us if Jerad is active or not.  He didn’t have a replacement for Ramos on the roster, but he does have one for Hamilton in the form of Matt Kemp.

The Zach Attack – SP Clayton Kershaw LA
After throwing a typical gem to start the season against the Diamondbacks in Australia, Kershaw was placed on the DL with an upper back injury that I can only assume was incurred while boxing with a kangaroo.  Sorry Zach, nothing like ponying up $70 for a stud pitcher ($22 more than the next most expensive pitcher, Yu Darvish) and then having him miss at least all of April and possibly more.   Upper back injuries are never good for humans who rely on their ability to use their arms, so this one could sap Kershaw of his Kershawness for an extended period of time.

At least Matt Moore's arm didn't actually fall
off like Dravecky's did.

 The Zach Attack – SP Matt Moore TB
Any time I type TB, I immediately wonder if the Rockies scored 7 runs last night and if we are getting tacos or not.  I both love and hate this fact.  Anyways, the Rays and Moore are trying to figure out how they can resolve his elbow/UCL injury.  In my head, Jonah Hill pops up in the corner of their training room at the right moment and says “I don’t want to be insensitive, but…it rhymes with Shommy Shon.”  Moore will be lucky to be throwing in the bigs by the All Star break…in 2015. At least Moore got through 4 innings allowing 6 runners and getting 2 Ks before his elbow went all Dave Dravecky on him.

Week 2 Roster Moves

I'll be honest, I thought that we would see a slow down in roster moves this week.  It looks like I underestimated our collective need to overreact to extremely small sample sizes and the allure of premium pitching prospects. 

I got to enjoy one last round of MLB Extra Innings last night, and to my delight, Tulo went yard for the Rockies 7th run of the game and they showed the bomb on the Mike Shaw Subaru Super Mo about 6 times.  So...one last time, with feeling!







I dont know why, but this will never get old.






And with that, on to self inflicted roster damages:

SP Robert Stephenson - $2 - Bob's AutoTrackers - I have absolutely no fucking clue who this guy is.  A quick google search tells me that there are 2 options.  Options: A) Bob just picked up the Scottish novelist and poet who wrote Treasure Island and Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and was born in 1850 then died in 1894; B) Bob picked up a 21 year old strike out machine who is currently playing AA baseball in Pensicola in what baseballreference refers to as the SOUL league.  Dead fantasy writer or soul sucking strikeout machine?  I'm not sure which will be in the majors first, but for $2 Bob will try just about anything.


OF Khris Davis - $2 - Bob's AutoTrackers - Other than spelling his name wrong, there is a lot to like about Davis.  He has a solid starting spot in a slightly better than average lineup and has a solid minor league track record that features decent power, moderate speed and exceptional slash stats.  Also, his nickname according to B-R is Khrush (with eyeliner).  Had I known about the nickname, I might have bid all the money.  Not just what I have left, I mean all the money anywhere.


Emilio!

2b/3b/OF Emilio Bonifacio - $2 - Mark Baker All Stars - Here is your classic overreact.  Bonifacio has been in MLB for 8 years and played exactly 1 meaningful season in the majors, 2011.  In that season he had 36 RBIs.  But he's hitting .500 through a week!





RP Matt Lindstrom - $1 - You Can Call Me Al - No Uncle Jimmy, I can call you a glutton for punishment.  From North Sider Jose Veras who cant get anyone out to South Sider Matt Lindstrom who cant get anyone out.

SP Matt Garza - $1 - LesMoles - Every season Matt Garza sucks you in and then breaks your heart and your will in new and unexpected ways.  I would have thought Tom would have been familiar with this from Garza's Twinkies years.  Perhaps this is the year he breaks the trend (and not himself), for $1 and a chance at a potential stud, its worth the risk.

SP/RP Tanner Roark - $1- LesMoles - Roark is an interesting player without a real fit right now.  He is in the Naty Lights rotation because Doug Fister fistered himself, but doesnt figure to stay there this season once the Nats are at full strength. He will likely be sent to AAA and that could be only a week or 3 away.  He could be a great stache (see what i did there?) for the future though.

SP Rick Porcello - $1 - Merry T Moors - Depsite losing the yler from his name this week, T was active on the wire again.  Porcello has been labeled a bust by many people, but hes still just 25 and has shown tremendous improvement in his ability to miss bats over the past year or so.  If he can sustain that trend, he will be a formidible rotation mate for Verlander, Scherzer and Sanchez.

RP Jose Valverde - $1 - MWP Masters - PAPA GRANDE!!!  Valverde leads the league in overzealous celebrations and is right up there in overall fatness.  But, he still strikes out a batter an inning and has a decent grip on the Mets 9th inning role.  Chase those saves John.

C Mike Zunino - $1 - Zach Attack - Zunino was a upper teir prospect a couple short years ago, but has never turned that into anything resembling a decent major league caliber season. Picking him up and dropping Jared Saltalamacchia, who is a proven backstop is perplexing to say the least.

RP Sergio Santos - $1 - Zach Attack - Ahh Sergio. For his career he has been virtually unhittable in odd numbered years and eminently hittable in even numbered years.  One thing that remains constant is his K ability and his relatively low HR rate.  He has the 9th inning in Toronto until Casey Janssen comes back or he completely implodes because the year ends in something other than a odd digit.

RP Adam Ottavino - $1 - Mark Baker All Stars - Yet another danger of watching MLB Extra Innings is irrationally becoming a fan of a player that you had never paid any attention to before.  Such is the case with me and Adam Ottavino.  His last name starts and ends with O and he changed his number from 37 to 0 this year which looks like another giant O on his back.  This makes me inexplicably happy.  I love everything about the 2014 Colorado Rockies and their broadcast.  Also, he throws a straight filthy slider.

Finally, a two-fer.
SP Jonathon Gray - $1 - Merry T Moors
SP Noah Snydergaard - $1- Zach Attack

Zach - Hey T.  Sorry about your name man.
T - No worries, my team sucked it something hardcore last week.
Zach - So, last week we picked up matching Pirate prospects, hows that working out for you?
T-  Pretty good man.  Gregory Polanco is raking right now, how Jameson?
Zach- Do you mean the player or the 1/5th I drank when he blew his elbow out?
T- Either, both sound like a good night followed by a shitty morning.

Zach- Yeah, this week, we should totally pick up matching hot pitching prospects.
T- Dude, you need to stop copying me.
Zach: Whatever bro, youre copying me.  I'm picking up the Norse God of Ks Noah Snydergaard and his 6'6" of whoop your ass.
T: Well suck it, Mark Paul Gosselaar.  I'm picking up Jon Gray.  He doesnt need some stupid nickname, he'll just strike your ass out.  He's so good he was drafted thrice!
Zach: Shut up or I'll noogie you.
T: Well I'll snake bite you.
Zach: I'll tell mom.
T: You better not or else!
Zach: Or else what?
T: Or else I'll take out Snydergaard like I took out Tallion. Muuuuaaahhhahahahaha!

Down the Rabbit Hole we go

There were 4 intra division matchups this week, 2 between Bone Thugs rivals and 2 between Harmony rivals, as well as one interdivision clash.  These matchups across the division boundry will henceforth be refered to as Crossroads (so you won't be lone-lay).  I dare you to read that without singing.  Also, you're welcome for putting that song in your head for the rest of the day.  And really, who couldn't use a little more Krayzie Bone, Layzie Bone, Bizzy Bone, Wish Bone and Flesh-N-Bone in their daily lives.  RIP Easy-E.

I am thinking that each matchup will get a little blurb about key players or Tuffy Rhodes type freakish performances and then the Mike Shaw Subaru Super Mo Replay of the Week will get an extended look.  I will probably play with the format for the first few weeks and figure out what works and what doesnt, because, well, its my blog and I'll get tacos if I want to.


And now...on with the show.

Week 1 Matchup Recap

Let's start with the close ones and move to the blow outs (I'm looking at you Tyler...shame.)

Springfield Isotopes  7
The Zach Attack       5

We could talk about the brilliance of CarGo or the ascendence of Brandon Belt (Attack) or the one week resurgence of Josh Hamilton or how Robinson Cano doesnt seem to mind hitting in that Seattle lineup (Isotopes) or even that these two teams traded players to one another during their matchup (Zach started both the players he got, Jerad didn't start either player he received).  No, the highlight of this is the complete and utter 1 week breakdown of some of the best players on either team.  For the Attack, it cost $56 to see Kung Fu Panda Sandoval go 4 for 27 and the recently acquired Ryan Braun go 3 for 20, though at least Braun did steal 2 bases.  For the Isotopes, Prince Fielder started his Ranger career 4 for 24 and Bryce Harper began what many thought would be an MVP caliber year by going 3 for 21.  They had 1 run and 1 RBI between them.  On the pitching side, Jim Johnson, Papelbon, Ernesto Frieri, Jim Henderson (Attack) and Chad (DJ) Qualls and Edward Mujica (Isotopes) were not members of Project Mayhem this week, all posting WHIPS above 2.

Jose Reyes' life goal

Mark Baker AS       7
Bob's AutoTrackers 5

MBAS managed to have 4 of the 8 hitters bat under .200 and another, Jose Reyes, break himself trying to get out of the batter's box and MBAS still won 5 of the 6 hitting categories.  Basically, Billy Hamilton's 0 for 16 to start the season hampered Bob's offensive ratios and his steals.  On the hill, MBAS was undercut by Tanner Scheppers' Opening Day implosion and Bob's stable of stud starting pitchers performed exactly as expected.  If Alex Wood can build on his 2 stellar outings to start the season, Bob is going to be tough to beat in the pitching categories.


MWP Masters       8
Lester's Molesters 3

Trumboner!

There should be some braggery going on in the cubicles of Fastenal land today as John put the beat down on Tom.  Looking closer though, with a couple of breaks either way, this matchup could have been anything from 11-1 for John to 7-5 for Tom.  But that, they say, is why we fake play the fake game.  Through 8 games Mark Trumbo (MWP) has 5 HRs and 13 RBIs.  Sure he got to play in the money grab games Down Under, but still, thats a ridiculous week+.  Somehow, John lost both the RBI and SLG% categories because Tom had 6 players with 3 or more RBIs this week. 



Backyard Super Stars 10
Merry Tyler's Moors   1
Tie                               1

Lucroy is also one sexy beast

Despite the lopsided score that should have Tyler searching his soul looking for ways to redeem himself (hint: rum and a live chicken sacrifice), this matchup featured 2 of the worst offensive performances of the week.  In this matchup of K vs T, Kyler gets rights to the rest of his name.  Sorry T, maybe when you face Kyler again you can earn the rest of your name back.  Kyler can thank Jonathon Lucroy whose 364/440/636 triple slash line and 1 steal basically single handedly defeated the Moors, despite Carlos Santana (sans Rob Thomas) posting a 316/519/421 line.

Week 1 MSSSMRMoW

Team	R	RBI	SB	AVG	OBP	SLG	W	K	ERA	WHIP	QS	SV+H	Score
Dusty's Team	26	24	0	0.286	0.368	0.5	2	49	3.78	1.3	3	6	7
You Can Call Me Al	28	27	5	0.264	0.347	0.466	3	43	3.96	1.34	4	3	5

Dusty's Nustys against the Paul Simon Haters is week 1's
 Mike Shaw Subaru Super Mo Replay Matchup of the Week
 

Dusty and Uncle Jimmy are featured in the very first Mike Shaw Subaru Super Mo Replay Matchup of the Week as this matchup could have gone either way.  Every category was pert near even save for UCCMA's 5-0 advantage in SBs.

Let's delve deeper into the matchup.  Listen, I know that each position isnt matched up against that position on the other team in a battle of supremecy where the loser is exiled to Narnia, but certain matchups swing the win or loss in one direction.  In the spirit of the old Sports Center segments that used to end in Advantage: Push, I soldier on.

How Jhonaton Solano spent his week on
Dusty's active roster

Catcher:
Jhonathon Solano (000/000/000 0R  0RBI 0SB) v Buster Posey (320/370/600 6R, 4RBI, 0SB)
Hmmm...I wonder how this one turned out?  Maybe if Dusty had a living/ breathing catcher for this matchup, he would have gained the 3 runs and 4 RBIs he needed to turn this into a one sided matchup.  But he didnt.  Advantage: UCCMA


3B
Miguel Cabrera (350/381/600 1R 3RBI 0SB) v Mike Moustakas (000/118/000 1R 1RBI 0SB)
Moustakas has reached base 2 more times than I have. Cabrera is one of the greatest hitters who has ever lived.  Advantage: Dusty's Nustys

SS
Troy Tulowitzki (333/440/476 5R 2 RBI 0SB) v Jean Segura (222/263/333 3R 0RBI 2SB)
Not a great start to the season for Segura, who is trying to prove that the second half of last year was the mirage, not the first.  And Tulo stayed healthy, which is all Tulo needs to do to be one of the 3 best SS in MLB. Advantage: Nustys

OF
Mike Trout, Jose Bautista, Wil Myers v Giancarlo Stanton, Carlos Gomez, Yo!enis Cespedes
This should have been a route in Dusty's favor as Trout and Bautista both had great first weeks, but the Mighty Giancarlo (dont call me Mike) Stanton had other thoughts.  Stanton finished the week with 7 runs, 12 RBI (at least 1 in all 7 games) and 2 SB to go along with his 345/406/655 slash line.  That pushed Uncle Jimmy ahead in R, RBI and SB.  Advantage: Giancarlo Stanton, the rest of us are just hanging in his world.

Not even He can help you Jose.

P
Max Scherzer and James Shields both put up great starts for Uncle Jimmy and, other than Chris Tillman's pair of great starts and Franciso Liriano's Opening Day start against the hitless wonders (aka the Cubs), no one on Dusty's staff did anything special.  The real difference maker here was Jose Veras (UCCMA) and his 6 walks (but only 1 hit) in 1 2/3 innings.  That 4.60 WHIP and 16.20 ERA were a cannonball to Jimmy's teams ratios. Advantage: Anyone other than Jose Veras 

"We Get Tacos"

Two more thoughts on this:

1) In addition to this being one of the single greatest promotional ideas ever, it actually seems to become more important than the game at some points.  See exhibit A.  The Rockies are down 9-4 in the bottom of the 9th with 2 on and 1 out.  What are the Rockies graphic people concerned with?  Not that the Rocks need 5 runs to tie…no, the broadcast is concerned with that the Rocks only need 3 more runs to "Feed the Fever" and give every ones cheap tacos.  F winning the game…I'm hungry.  Bonus points for the connection of Feeding the Fever to the 250 lbs, former Twin Dennys Reyes, the man so fat his mom named him in the plural.  I hope this serves as inspiration for us all.  I know that i will try to react to anything good that happens to me with "We Get Tacos!"  I can't wait for my next kid to be born in 7 weeks.  It's gonna be like the Oprah Winfrey show up in there.

2) While watching the same Rockies game, Golden Crispy received our first corporate sponsor, Mike Shaw Subaru in Colorado.  Every single replay during the game featured the Mike Shaw logo in the "Mike Shaw Subaru Super Mo Replay."  Yup, every single one…in a baseball game.  By the end of the second inning we watched I thought Mike Shaw was my best friend and I am pretty sure I bought a car  from him without ever having been to Colorado.  So, I am contemplating turning the "Mike Shaw Subaru Super Mo Replay of the Week" into a recurring segment on the Tater Tot blog.  I had already planned on doing a recap of each matchup, so the MSSSMR will be the featured matchup each week.

I hate that the MLB Extra Innings free preview runs out today.