ass hDLes – Week 1 and 2

Each week, there will undoubtedly be guys who totally fuck up our matchups by doing things like yanking their groins and blowing their knees or sucking for a couple of games and then yanking their groins and blowing their knees.  I figure, if they can mess our fake baseball team up with their real, and most likely painful, injuries, the least we can do is get a laugh at their expense.

Mark Baker All Stars- SS Jose Reyes TOR

I should have known better. Jose Reyes has been Mr. Glass without Bruce Willis over the past few years.  When I decided to trade Tony Cingrani (who immediately went out and struck out 9 guys in 5 innings in his first start) for Reyes just before the season, I knew that he would likely go on the DL at some point and submarine an entire week.  I did not think that would be the first week, during the first game, during his first at bat.  Reyes managed to hurt his hammy trying to run to first base.  His purpose on any fantasy baseball team?  Base hits and stolen bases.  Maybe he saved me from myself by forcing me into playing Xander Bogaerts.

Bob’s AutoTrackers – RP David Robertson NYY
Robertson was supposed to take over for Mariano Rivera as the SpankMe’s 9^th inning stopper.  For the first week, he did just that by registering 2 saves in 3 games while allowing only 1 hit and 1 BB.  Then…he hit the DL on Monday after rosters locked leaving Bob without the chance to replace him in this week’s lineup.  Seriously Yankees?  You couldn’t have thrown him on the DL after Sunday’s game?

Google tells me this is Nate Jones.  I was just joking Mr. Jones.

 MWP Master’s – RP Nate Jones CHI Sox
Nate Jones is our special ass hDLer of the week.  Besides giving John the impressive INF in both ERA and WHIP during week 1 by allowing 4 runs and 5 baserunners without registering a single out, Jones doubled down by then going on the DL on Thursday of week 1, thus leaving John 2 RPs short for week 2.  Yesterday, Yahoo reported that Jones received an epidural to deal with his injury which has been classified as a glute issue, then as a hip issue and is now being called a lower back issue.  I have never heard of anyone other than pregnant women receiving epidurals, so perhaps Nate Jones is pregnant and went through a wild emotional swing where he decided that he didn’t want to throw strikes or get batters out.  Neither Uncle Jimmy nor I know anything about pregnant women and their mood swings.  Uncle Jimmy’s wife may or may not have posted on facespace that she “Almost went on a murderous rampage yesterday over a missing sock.”  Anyways, Congrats Nate, he/she is gonna be a soccer playa!

 Springfield Isotopes – C Wilson Ramos WAS
This one worries me.  Ramos went 0 for 3 on Opening Day and then hit the DL with a hamate injury requiring surgery.  Ramos will be out 4-8 weeks.  This concerns me for 2 reasons.  1) Ramos went out on opening day and is still in Jerad’s week 2 lineup and as of now is still in his week 3 lineup.  After missing the draft, Jerad is not inspiring much confidence in his reliability as a fake owner for a fake baseball team. 2) Ramos’s injury may very well lead to a Jhonathon Solano’s reascendance to the major league level.  Solano will still be bad at professional baseball but then Dusty will be able to play the “I knew he was coming up” card instead of the “I drafted a player that no one has ever heard of” card.

Yup...This guy has more free time now.

 Springfield Isotopes – OF Jaaaaash Hamilton ANA
Apparently no one ever taught Jaaaaash that sliding in to first base is a really dumb thing to try to do in almost every conceivable circumstance (the lone exception being when an offline throw brings the first basemen up the line into the runner and sliding makes it more difficult for the 1b to get the tag on the runner) or he forgot about it during one of his Coke fueled alcohol rage binges.  I would say we’re at about 50-50 odds on that one.  So now Hamilton will take his insane 444/545/741slash line to the DL for the next 6-8 weeks.  Free time is just what someone like Hamilton needs to keep himself in great baseball playing shape.  This injury will tell us if Jerad is active or not.  He didn’t have a replacement for Ramos on the roster, but he does have one for Hamilton in the form of Matt Kemp.

The Zach Attack – SP Clayton Kershaw LA
After throwing a typical gem to start the season against the Diamondbacks in Australia, Kershaw was placed on the DL with an upper back injury that I can only assume was incurred while boxing with a kangaroo.  Sorry Zach, nothing like ponying up $70 for a stud pitcher ($22 more than the next most expensive pitcher, Yu Darvish) and then having him miss at least all of April and possibly more.   Upper back injuries are never good for humans who rely on their ability to use their arms, so this one could sap Kershaw of his Kershawness for an extended period of time.

At least Matt Moore's arm didn't actually fall
off like Dravecky's did.

 The Zach Attack – SP Matt Moore TB
Any time I type TB, I immediately wonder if the Rockies scored 7 runs last night and if we are getting tacos or not.  I both love and hate this fact.  Anyways, the Rays and Moore are trying to figure out how they can resolve his elbow/UCL injury.  In my head, Jonah Hill pops up in the corner of their training room at the right moment and says “I don’t want to be insensitive, but…it rhymes with Shommy Shon.”  Moore will be lucky to be throwing in the bigs by the All Star break…in 2015. At least Moore got through 4 innings allowing 6 runners and getting 2 Ks before his elbow went all Dave Dravecky on him.