Home Run Derby Drinking Game Live - and undead (updated)

The Derby Bracket

So I've decided to play the home run drinking game that our commish has so generously introduced to me. I also thought, in order to make it even better, i'll live live blog as its going on and continuously edit and post it.
 A few things that I guarantee will happen:
-My grammar will get worse and worse as the night goes on (I'll probably forget about that tricky spell check option)
-Coherent thoughts will not be formed by the final round if someone goes apeshit in the first couple rounds
-I'm gonna regret this both later tonight and tomorrow morning when i go into work

So, I wanted to live blog this with Kyler, but I couldnt figure out a way to have both of us be able to comment without messing the other one up or without having to constantly check if one of us was in the post editing.  Therefore, I am doing the day after commentary.  It's not quite live, but calling it dead wouldnt be right either, cuz that would just be blogging.  I will go with Undead Blogging...or Zombloging. You will find my interjections throughout the post and they will always be in italics--Commish

Now onto the madness....and of coarse there's a delay. Well I'm gonna take this time to give a big thumbs up to the guy who was riding his bicycle by my apartment. The guy was crossing the street when he was hit by a car, it was a fairly loud crunch, yet the guy just got up threw the bike to the side of the road and walked away like nothing happened. I should mention that the bike was all bent up and destroyed. I'm not sure whether the person that hit him went and talked to him when he walked away but I sure hope so cause it could have been a lot worse. Anyways, props to the guy and his badassness to just walk it off.
I have never been hit by a car, either standing or riding, but I would like to think that I would be tough enough to shrug it off and go on with my life.  Ahh, who am I kidding, I would be either bawling...because I got hit by a car...or I would be so mad that steam would start coming out of my ears like you see in cartoons all the time.  Also, does anyone else think that picture looks a lot like Mike Tyson's brother Neil de Grasse Tyson, host of "Cosmos"?  Google him.  We will wait here.

Now we wait...
So finally after an hour long delay its about to get under way, which means it will go later and i'll regret this even more in the morning. Frazier starting it out, which i've been informed is the commish's 2nd favorite Reds player. (He is my second favorite Cincy Red player for 2 reasons. First reason - His twitter handle, which I learned about during the derby, is FlavaFraz which is spectacular on so many levels.  Had he worn a gigantic clock around his neck during the derby I might have sworn off Adam Jones and Troy Tulowitzki and gone all in on Frazier forever.  The second reason is that he cant be my favorite Red because he isnt Jumbo Diaz.  This past weekend I was watching the Reds-Pirates game and an absolutely monsterous man came menacing into the game (I dont know how else to describe it.  It wasnt running, it wasnt jogging.  It looked like what Godzilla does when he comes into New York).  The announcers made a big deal about how he had lost a bunch of weight and how he was much healthier now and serious about his career...he now weights 280 pounds.  Its like William Refrigerator Perry decided to play baseball and wanted to call himself Jumbo.) This is looking like it's going to be an easy round for me. Finally, the first drink of the game, and it looks like this will be the only round Frazier will be involved in. So 2 total homers for Frazier and I just noticed its monsooning in Winona. I am very interested to see how the hometown boy Dozier does being that he wasn't much of a home run hitter up to this point. So for some reason they keep showing the rainbow over left field and all I can think of is John Kruk trying to pick up a chick by telling her to taste his rainbow. So Dozier only hit 2 homers as well which doesn't really surprise me. (This is why we cant have nice things.  Having Frazier and Dozier in the home run derby is like having hot dogs and brats at a wedding reception in a big dining hall.  By themselves they are delicious, but in context they just dont fit) Now its time to see what the real

Look at that cookie duster!

sluggers have in store. It might be interesting to find out if the rain is affecting the hitters at all since it is still raining there and they might not be completely warmed up and ready to go. Anyways here comes the captain of the national league team Troy Tulowitzki. Interesting side note, when Chris Berman announced Troy Tulowitzki was next, it lightninged outside, coincidence I think not. This lack of home runs is starting to get ridiculous. And right when I say that Tulowitzki  hits back to back bombs into the 2nd deck. 4 homers for Tulo, not bad for the way this is going. Joey Bats, probably my favorite nickname in baseball, might just be the first batter to make me drink heavily during this game. Hey I just saw Brewers fans! (They do exist!) And my Bautista nightmare is coming true... (Bomb after bomb after bomb.  Berman is terrible, as always, but Joey Bats was made for this competition.  I think he might be the one player in the game who treats actual games like the derby.  He takes pitches that he cant launch and when he gets one he unleashes the fury.) Thank God Bautista believes in the mercy rule and bowed out with only six outs. (I was waiting for Ravich to say something like, "Interesting strategy here Cotton" because I think that Ravich would say something like that.  He seems like he would be a fun guy to get pretty trashed with.)

I believe they said Stanton is next but I'm really looking forward to seeing Morneau hit since hes bats from the wrong side of the plate and he could literally hit it out of the stadium in right field. Hey never mind, it's my fantasy man crush PUIG!!!! And he looks very out of his element for some reason, and no homers for Puig :( I blame Robinson Cano's dad for bad pitches. (I blame whatever you call what his barber did to his head and that bright neon green arm band that a bunch of the players were wearing.  Who decided that we wanted to see the derby contestants from space?)
Pacman Jones is hitting now and I'm already realizing this is going to be a lot of beer consumption cause i'm on my second beer and its only the 6th hitter. (So I love me some Adam Jones.  Best stat of the night was when Berman was talking about Jones and mentioned that he hates letting fastballs go by him so much that he has 16 HRs and 11 walks on the season.  Also, my wife was watching the player intros with me and she decided that Adam Jones looked like he would be a fun guy to hang out with...whatever that means.) And now Stanton is up and this may be another nightmare for me.. And beer #2 is gone. Fuck ya third deck!!! So Giancarlo has not disappointed, that last ball projected at 510' and I wouldn't be surprised if he hit one even farther than that at some point tonight. (The 510' moon shot might have knocked a satellite out of orbit.  I know its cliche, but they usually serve food on flights that are that long.  I was wishing that for that moment, MLB could bring in WWE announcer Jim Ross so that he could say his patented "Good Gawd" line.) So Josh Donaldson, a guy I tried trading for earlier this year, is up. I think he is going to be an absolute stud for years to come. I also see he also bats a lot like Jose Bautista. I think my favorite part of the Derby is watching all the kids fight over the ball when they try to catch it. Especially the ones that are squeezed into the bullpen together. (And Donaldson, who's twitter handle is RainMaker or something like that, hit a couple of flyballs that went as high as Stanton's did far.  Its sad that the only thing I remember from this is that he did barely enough to sneak into the 3rd spot for the time being.  The derby is already losing its luster.)
Time for the man I've been looking forward to, Morneau! I have noticed that Chris Berman is terrible at judging whether or not a ball is going to get out or not. And Puigy is eliminated. Its awesome just to see the reaction of the fans every time Morneau hits a dinger. So he's tied with Frazier...great more opportunities for home runs, just what i wanted to see. (Morneau was kinda screwed at the onset of the round.  The fans wanted him to do well so badly that it looked like he felt the pressure in his first several swings and was trying to do too much with each pitch.  When he finally did go deep it was like a relief.  Had he got going, I think the crowd might have carried him a long way, he just never got going.  And its not because he was the only lefty.  Joey Gallo hit BP before the futures game and hit like 18 balls complelely out of the stadium in right field, including one that went through the windshield of a brand new Chevy pickup that was on display).
Look at Yo Anus! Oh God this is gonna be a long night. FUCK!!!!! another swing off. (That wasnt that spectacular for the defending champ.  The best thing about the round is that it brought Mike Gallego back into our lives and that I wanted to call him Galapagos all night.) Why would God conspire against man like this. Oh and Dozier is out, unfortunately for you Twins fans. (He should have never been in) And now Morneau loses the swing off and he's out too. Both of the hometown favorites exit in the first round. The more Berman names cities in Minnesota, the more I want to punch him in the face. Just stop! seriously we get it you googled Minnesota town just knock it off already! And Yo Anus win the AL swing off, and im already buzzed...I think. And I'm afraid I might run out of beer.

2nd Round

Chris Berman has been reading this

Todd Frazier, who I wish I would've bidded more on and got him in free agency, is up first and has hit more homers than his first round and swing off combined. (Also, did anyone know that Frazier was on the 1998 Toms River New Jersey Little League World Championship team?  I mean, they have barely mentioned it and only shown the video 23927 times.  We get it, he was good when he was little, now hes good as a big leaguer.) So Tulo is now in trouble since Frazier found some power late to hit 6 homers in the 2nd round. Tulo only gets 2 :( so he isn't tulogit2quit the derby. (Touche.)  Yo Anus is up and I really want to know who provides Chris Berman with his phrases, he just used rollin' on a river. (Maybe he was watching Mrs. Congeniality II between batters and saw the Tina Turner impersonator scene.  You dont know his life.) Pacman is back up! and I'm really hoping Berman makes a refrence to the football player but he probably won't cause hes stupid. (And this Adam Jones has never been arrested for disorderly conduct, been suspended from his legaue for douchebaggery or been tired to a couple of shootings) Another upper deck homer and another fuckin Minnesota town named off by dumbass Berman. So far I've heard Bemidji, St. Cloud, Mankato, and White Bear Lake (Minnetonka was the first one and he used it like 6 times.  Once of the other announcers said something like "I dont know where Minnetonka is" then Berman followed it up on the next homer with "That one went to the town next to Minnetonka."  After that he came up with the other cities.  So very clearly, some did actually give him a map)... when is Winona coming you man! (I love that "you man" is a putdown).  Some guy dropped his hat off the 2nd deck hahaha, you ain't ever seeing that hat again. I don't know if anyone just saw that Old Spice commercial but that was really fucked up. Aparently there new promotional idea is to use a robot man... wierd. (I also thought this was very strange and it made me more than a little uncomfortable.)

3rd Round
I'm still alive so far... but Frazier is up first. (Did you know he was in the LLWS with Tom's River?) I can't believe he made it this far after only hitting two homers as the first person to hit in this derby. Unfortunetly Frazier only hit 1 home run which means Giancarlo only needs 2 homers to move on. I wish Frazier would've hit more so Stanton could've hit more bombs. What the hell Stanton!!! 0 homers and 6 outs. What are you doing!!!!!!!!! noooooo!!!!Stanton got shut out in the semis and Frazier advances in the lamest possible way. This is getting real depressing real fast. (This is the most dissapointing thing that happened in the Derby and highlights a big problem with the way it works.  Stanton sat for like 100 minutes between turns.  I know that he was hitting in the cage and whatnot, but that is a silly long time for a player to wait and then try to turn the juice back on.  Maybe juice was a bad term to use in regards to home runs, but I'll let it go).
But no worries Bautista and Yo Anus are up next and they've actually been hitting home runs. Yo Anus time!! That ball just played pinball off about 5 fans. It is incredible to see how these guys can hit line drive into the second deck that are almost still going up when they hit the stands. It boggles my mind that a guy can hit a baseball 350 feet, even though it doesn't get more than 25 feet above the ground. (He hit that one missle down the left field line that may have put someone in the Captain Morgan fan deck in a coma if that fan hadnt made a superb grab by the rail.  YoAnus was definitely getting in a groove.  It was mentioned a few times last night, but the switch from 10 to 7 outs seemed to mess with hitters.  They were pressing earlier to get on the board and then, when they didnt, they were trying even harder.  This is never a good way to do the Derby and no one other than YoAnus got into a great groove.  Stanton and Joey Bats had great first rounds, but then they sat...and they sat...and they sat and lost the zone).  So aparently they have changed the name from the money ball to the flex ball because they can apparently.(And it looks like one of those awful WNBA basketballs.  I enjoy how Kyler just noticed this.)  aND yO aNUS HITS 7 HOMERS AND HE LOOKS LIKE HE IS READY TO DEFEND HIS CROWN. aND espn IS SHOWING A CHART OF HIS HOMERS, WHICH IS PERTY COOL. (Dude...they have been showing charts of everyone's homers after they hit.  I agree that it is perty cool but this is not new.  I want to be drinking with you). Shit I had cap locks on, whoops my bad,. JOey Bats is up and i hope he beats Yo Anus because i wanna see him crush some. Back back back and i wish Chris Berman was gone! Berman keeps refering to Ken Griffey JR as JR Griffey instead of Griffey JR and i don't care if it's gramically correct, it doesn't sound right and he needs to stop. (This is where you show your age, my friend.  Griffey was often refered to as Junior Griffey.  When he started playing, his dad was still in the league, and shortly after, on his team. So people took to calling him Junior because saying Ken Griffey Jr all the time was getting annoying but had to be done because people listening on the radio never knew which Ken Griffey the announcer was talking about.  Actually, for much of the 90s you could have simply said Junior and everyone whould have known who you were talking about.) This does however give me a chance to say i wish JR was still playing. He was awesome to watch. He prolly had the purest left handed swing i have ever seen and if he didn't have those injuries during his career he would've beat steriod Bonds career home run record.(I was not the biggest Bonds fan and I loved me some KGJ, but I have to argue with this.  Big Head Barry finished with 762 homers, 132 ahead of Junior.  Griffey averaged 38 HRs per 162 games over his career.  Even if you take his 4 injury shortened seasons, 2001-2004, to 38 HRs each, he ends up with 719, aka 43 homers short of Bonds.  Bonds did play in his 41 and 42 year old seasons and hit 54 HRs while Griffey retired during his age 40 season.  But Griffey retired because he couldnt hack it anymore.  Look at that 2010 stat line.  .184/250/204 OPS+ 30.  It makes me want to pretend that he never came back for that season.  He wasnt the same player anymore while Bonds kept right on ticking.  I am sure the riods had something to do with that, but to say Griffey would have finished ahead, in my opinion, is just wrong.  If you wanted to say that if Griffey had stayed healthy and Bonds hadnt used riods, then we're on the same page).

TO THE FINALS WE GO!
Greatest intro to a round, ESPN just played "Come Fly With Me" before the last round. PARTY FOUL!!! I spilled my beer for the first time tonight haha. Anyways, Cespedes is first in the final showdown and he is hitting some moonshots as it starts to rain again. (Frazier, who was on the Tom's River LLWS team, clearly does not understand the concept that you make a hot hitter wait.  He chose to let YoAnus hit first.  No doubt he figured it would be good to know how many he needed to hit to win, but when a player is on a roll, all that happens when you let him go first is you get intimidated by the number of balls he is putting on people's mantles) ANother upper deck BOMB! How does a man hit a ball that far!? seroiusly holy shit! Yo Anus's pitcher threw a pitch in the dirt. What the FUck are you doing man!!! your suppose to be giving him easy pitches to hit. MEanwhile Cespedes, sorry YO ANus don't seem to mind as he;s hit 7 dingalingers with only 5 outs. I think the champ will repeat. make it 8, most of them in the 2nd or third deck. So this has been somewhat of a lackluster derby, outside of Stanton's first round bombs, but Cespedes is putting on a show in this final round. Why the FUck is Felix Hernandez wearing skinny jeans. That is unacceptable and will no longer be tolerated. (King Felix seems to march to his own drummer.  When ESPN showed the press conference where they announced him as the AL starter for the game, he was wearing a LA Kings hat or maybe it was just a King Felix hat.  I dont know, but he has clearly bought into the whole King thing)
Just a side note, my neighbors down the hall are having a party and they are really loud and annoying. A COuple of sluts keep running up and down the halls screaming weird shit. 9 homers for Yo Anus is going to be hard to beat. And Berman keeps refering to Todd Frazier as a rookie even though he's not and its very akward. Another side note Frazier has only hit 10 total home runs in this derby, where as the other finalyst, Yo ANus, has hit 30! 1 homer with 6 outs and i think its safe to say Yo Anus has defended his crown. ANd there it is Yo Anus won and it was mostly a American League dominated home run derby.

WINNER: YO ANUS CESPEDES


WINNER

7 beers (i rounded up) and 82 homers later Yo ANus Wins! Overall I was glad to see some of the bombs Stanton and Cespedes hit. However, it was a bummer to see Frazier make it to the finals. He didn't hit very many homers but yet he was a product of the new format...which sucks. I think they need to change back to the format that they used to have. It would've been really cool to see Yo Anus go agaisnt Bautista or Stanton in the finals. I thought the format was very difficult for Bautista who had to wait almost 2 hours between his first round of 10 homers and his next apperacne, third round, when he lost to Yo ANus 7 to 4. So apparently, Yo ANus and Griffey JR are the only two players to win 2 home run derbys in a row. ONe last thing, i wish Yo ANus could speak English beacuse this Spanish translation shit is dumb.

OH hell ya the celebrity softball game is on!!! Well it looks like im gonna stay up and watch this shit. But this concludes my home run derby drinking game blog so im gonna say peace to all of you and long live Yo ANus!!!