I She Be Your Power Rankings! Vol I - AKA The Goulet

Required viewing before beginning: http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail13.html
For those of you at work, you might want to wait til you get home.  Its not offensive or anything, but it might look strange if you are watching at work.  And there are tons of them and they are addicting to watch.  If you have never seen these before, I am sorry. We will see you in a week or so.

Now that you are back, I have decided to make my own little version of the AP top 25 poll that makes the college football season a little bit more interesting to pay attention to.  Now, there won't be 25 items every week (or probably any week.  There are only 10 teams for god's sake) and I might not count down in order and I might include numbers over 25.  For those of you who don't know, my mind isnt all that linear and my counting abilities have proven unreliable past 4.

We shall call this segment the "Goulet" after little remembered former Blackhawk and Quebec Nordique Michel Goulet.  Goulet played from the 1979-80 season through the 1993-94 season and scored 548 goals with 604 assists (1152 points) in 1089 career games.  Yup, over a point a game for his career.  And, even though he played in the largest offensive output era in NHL history and he is Canadian, that is still pretty impressive.  Also impressive was his 825 penalty minutes and his glorious cookie duster.  Seriously, look at that thing.  John...do it.  To celebrate Goulet, I will include 16 items this week.

I created a super secret forumla for calculating the strength of each team.  As you know, there can be some wild swings in performance during a sample size as small as 1 week, so the records of each team don't always reflect the actual strength of the team.  Actually, you know what? I am feeling giving, so I will share the super secret forumla.  I put all the teams into a roto table and assigned points to each team in each category then added them all together.  YAY MATH!

WTF?  Nick N. says Damn Right.

# 34221 Adults using their first name and last name first initial, and only that initial, in their email signatures- -1243232423 points - A collegue of mine and I have been in contact with a supplier who signs his emails with "Thanks, Jeff D."  This is the only person at this supplier that I have contact with, so its not like he runs the risk of me confusing him with another Jeff that works there.  Now, there are two reasons why someone would do this whole first name and last initial thing. The first is that he likes walking in to places and pretending he is a 1990s era DJ - "Jeff D in the muthafuckin house..bitches!!! Yeeaeaaah Boooooooooy".  The second is that he was deathly afraid of Jeff M in like the third grade and now he is terrified of Jeff M showing up somewhere and being pissed that Jeff D  dropped the last initial from his name and giving him 3 wedgies and a swirly.  And Jeff D's adult ego cannot handle that torture again.  Both of these reasons stopped being valid in the 5th grade, which for me was in 1991-1992 school year.

#149 Springfield Isotopes - 47 points - So I thought the Isotopes were doing fairly well based on their 16-19-1 record and the fact that Jerad:The Galleria of Forgetfulness has been MIA.  Then I ran the Matrix.  Well...not the actual Matrix, there is no Matrix and there is no Neo.  Just buy into the system you fleshcicle, nothing to see here.  The Topes are last in R and K, second to last in RBI and ERA, third to last in W and ERA and 4th to last in QS.  The only thing they are really doing well in is S+H and that is because everybody other than Tom and I are doing really well in S+H.  We need to figure out what is going on with Jerad because every week that passes that he isnt trying to pick someone up makes it tougher to get someone to take his team. 

#92 Jedd Jerko - 47.01 points - Still dead to me

#13a/13b - The Zach"k" Attach"k", Merry T's Moors - 51 points, 48 points - I couldn't separate them like their parents used to.  I couldn't bring myself to make them fight over the 13th spot in the Goulet like they used to have to fight over the food in the kitchen, so I lumped them together.  The Jonas brothers have very similar team scores, but are getting there in completely opposite ways.  Zach"k" has an above average offense and an absolutely abmysmal pitching staff.  The Attach"k"ed have the fewest W and QS and the highest WHIP against.  The Moors are last in BA, OBP, SLG and RBI, but are in the top 4 in ERA, WHIP and S+H.  If you put them together, there would be 1 complete awesome team (Merry T'Attack?) and one team (Zach"k" Moors?) that would rank below Adults using their first name and last name first initial in their email signature.

#12 - The lost Jonas Brother - Much like Cooper Manning, the lost Jonas brother is never heard from or thought of, but his complete failure to amount to anything in worth while in fantasy sports is what signifies his existence.  That he is rated ahead of his brothers here only shows how poorly each of their teams have been performing.  Dont worry Zach and T, your nameless brother will undoubtedly lag behind like he has so many other times.

#11 You Can Call Me Al - 61 points - Despite being in the top 4 in R and RBI, none of the rest of Uncle Jimmy's team's stats are higher than 5th in their respective categories.  I wrote in the preview that SS Jean Segura was the biggest potential overpay, but even I didnt think that he would be as bad as he has been.  Segura currently has as many RBI as SBs, and hes not leading the league in SBs, so you know thats an issue.  Luckily for Jimmy, he has the Mighty Giancarlo Stanton.  Stanton has 27 RBI already...Tyler's team has 34.

#10 Doctoring Baseballs - 63 points - Last night Michael Pineda was booted from a game against the Red Sawks for having, what can only be politely called, a shit load of sticky brown goo all over his neck.  Pineda had a similar substance on his wrist in his last game he threw, also against the Red Sawks.  So wait...people made a big deal about
him using pine tar the last time he threw, which was against the same team?  And that team didnt say anything last time and got completely dominated?  And then he threw against them again and thought, "Maybe no one will notice if I put it on my neck and then borderline strangle myself before each and every pitch?  I bet I can break the rules and dominate them again and no one will say anything."  This is some next level stupidity.  Pineda should be suspended, not for cheating, but for being an absolute moron.  Doctoring the ball has a lengthy tradition in baseball and the Red Sawks openly admitted after the first game that they would have rather had Pineda with a good grip on the ball than an iffy one.  But you can't go out and dominate a team one game bending the rules and then try it against the same team a week later.  Of course they are going to turn you in, the point of the game is to win.  It'll be interesting to see how this affect Pineda.  My guess is it won't much, but come October, if the Skankess are still in the playoff hunt, teams will be looking all over Pineda to see if theres something they can use to get him off the hill.

#9 Mark Baker All Stars - 69 points - Well then...Thats not a blow to the ego or anything. Here I am sitting in 4th place in the standings behind 3 teams that are legitly the best so far, and its entirely smoke and mirrors...and volume pitching.  MBAS is in the bottom half of the league in every hitting caterogy, but thanks to the plethora of SP,RP guys, leads the league in W, K, and QS and is 3rd in ERA and WHIP.  I have been preparing for my inevitable loss to Merry T's Moors this week since Tuesday morning.  I know its coming, but that isnt going to make it hurt any less.

#8 Dusty's Nustys - 73 points - Dusty went with the top heavy offensive approach during the draft and it has paid off huge.  The Nustys are leading the league in R, OBP and SLG, are second in RBI and 4th in BA.  This offense is going to be unstoppable when Chris Davis and Wil Myers start hitting again...and that day is coming.  The downside for Dusty is that his pitching kinda sorta sucks.  He is
in the bottom half of the league in every caterogy other than S+H.  It will be interesting to see if such an unbalanced team can be successful. or if a cold hitting streak submarines his season.

#7 The League - 74 points- So, I recently started watching the FX show, The League (which is available on the Amazon streaming service for FREE is you are an Amazon Prime member).  I had never watched it before, except for a couple of random minutes here and there over the last couple of years.  When I talk to people about Tater Tot or when i think about to while I am lying in bed at night before I dream sweet sweet dreams about it, I always call it The League.  So, I wanted to see how The League stacked up to our The League.  Truth is, our is better, but not by much.  In fact, when the character Taco was introduced I realized that they were actually basing their show about a fantasy football league on our fantasy baseball league that was not going to start for another 5 years.  Thats some next level writing ability.  Anyways, I started trying to figure out who was who.  I didnt get it all figured out, but I did figure that Jerad is the one most likely to let his wife/girlfriend run his team (which is why nothing has happened with his team), that Kyler would be Ruxin and that Uncle Jimmy would be Taco.  Though Uncle Jimmy is now married, I have witnessed his next level ability to pick up any girl within 100 feet.  Also, Jimmy
would be the one most able to convince you that he had no idea he was actually in a fantasy baseball league.

#6 LesMoles - 75 points - This one surprised the hell out of me.  When you look at the standings you see Lester the Molester sitting in 10th place with a 7-27-2 record after 3 weeks. But a quick look under the hood shows that he has played the top 3 teams in the first 3 weeks.  Tom's hitting has been excellent so far.  LesMoles are in the top 5 in every hitting category other than SBs and they lead the league in RBI.  Pitching, they are tied for the league lead in wins and tied for second in QS.  Dont worry Tom, better times are coming.

Bob dancing because of his pitching staff's strong start

#5 Bob's AutoTrackers - 78 points - Bob's still a dick.  His team, however, is performing pretty good right now.  Bob is getting by weekly based on his league leading SBs and his pitching staff, which is in the top 3 in each of the 6 pitching categories.  I said before the season that Bob may have the best top 4 in our league and that has proven true.  Hisashi Iwakuma has yet to pitch this season but Bob jumped on the Yordano Ace Ventura bandwagon before the first week and has been richly rewarded.  Chris Sale is now on the mend, but Iwakuma is due back shortly.  When both are back, its going to be tough to beat Bob in the pitching categories.


#4 Backyard Superstars - 84 points - The BySs are struggling in the counting stat categories, being no better than 6th in R, RBI, SB, W, Ks, but they are dominating the rate stats.  They are first in BA, and ERA, 3rd in OBP and SLG, first in S+H, and second in QS.  Kyler's bullpen has been stellar with neither Koji Uehara or Rafael Soriano allowing a run yet this season.

#3 - MWP Masters - 96 points - John's team is most balanced in the league at this point in the season.  He is in the top 3 in 9 of the 12 scoring categories and is no worse than 6th in any 1 category.  He pitching has been unbelievable as Jose Fernandez is somehow topping his 2013 rookie season (47 Ks in 31 innings, WTF man) and Kamakaze Tanaka has been a combination of Hideo Nomo and vintage Greg Maddux.  Offensively, Freddie Freeman is so far justifying his massive contract extension and Tacoby Bellsbury has been worth the hefty $50 price tag John paid for him.  Right now, everything John is doing is turning up roses.  Rumor has it he even has a new lady friend in his life.

#2 - We Get Tacos - all the points-1 - #1 forever and for always except right now.  When I was talking with John about this last night, I told him that I was worried it wasnt going to come out quite the way I had envisioned it in my head because in my head it was glorious and I was concerned the execution wouldn't validate the idea.  John told me, "If you give us all tacos, it will be good."

#1 The Artist Known as William Shakespeare - all the points - Yup, this one is higher in the rankings than We Get Tacos.  The Bard turns 450 years old today. It amazes me that, after all this time, the works that are attributed to Shakespeare are still read and revered today. I am not sure how many of you, if any, have seen a Shakespeare play acted out, but all of the language issues that are inherent in reading the play go away and you are left with something universally true. Big Willie style has been the standard to which all other poets and playwrights have been measured, and there has rarely been one who comes close to measuring up. Basically, Shakespeare is the Michael Jordan of writing, only if Michael Jordan's accomplishments held up over 400 years and were applicable to multiple races, cultures and genders and taught lessons about love, greed, insanity and consequence. There can never be another like him, if only becaue writers now study him so extensively that they cannot help up encorporate some of his techniques and ideas into what they are creating. There is nothing new being said in literature anymore, only slightly new ways to say it and in slightly different situations. I say the artist known as Shakespeare because there has been in increasing number of scholars over the past decade or so that are struggling to reconcile the works that are attributed to the man and the facts that are known about the man. Regardless of whether the man was THE MAN, the works stand on their own.  If you haven't read some of them, you have undoubtly have sat through them in class or watched a movie that you may or may not have known was based on something Shakespeare is credited with writing.