Well friends, we are coming into the close of a rather disappointing Getting Crispy season as only 1 trade was actually agreed upon (and that was actually agree on before trading opened). For shame, fellow tot-ers. Uncle Jimmy and I tossed around a few ideas (and I asked Dusty about TuloGit but was quickly rebuffed), but ultimately couldnt agree on the details. I am sure there are a couple of other similar stories to be told. I think at least part of the problem is that a lot of us dont have a way to contact one another. At the auction, if youre comfortable, we should make sure that everyone has everyone's digits so that we can go back to our wives or girlfriends and tell them that we got digits over the weekend contact one another more easily about this sort of thing. I am fairly certain that there is not a stalker among us...fairly certain.
With keeper lists due in 5 days, I am still waiting on 5 more lists to come in. Get that shit done...heres a list of those who are playing the procrastination game and guesses as to why.
League Champ Tomsula - Turns out the defending champ is most likely playing it cool and waiting. I talked to Tom a bit at the F-word employee dinner and he was geeked about the season. That's right, I said geeked. If you had been there you would have thought he was pretty geeked to. You want to know how many times I am going to say geeked in this paragraph dont you? This is more than I have used the word geeked in my entire life...but...suck it. Estimated time of arrivial of keeper list: Friday afternoon. John John McJohnerson - John got a new ladyfriend since the season ended. They met, they wooed, they co-habitated, they even have a kid whos like 5 or 6 years old (ok, that last part is somewhat misleading, she brought the kid with her...John doesnt have magical powers that allow him to go back in time and create John Connor so that he can lead the Resistance). Turns out John has been somewhat busy in the last several months and his keeper list hasnt been on the forefront of his attention. Estimated time of arrivial of keeper list: Friday night at 11:58 PM.
Zachariah and Tyleriah - I have absolutely no fucking clue what they could be doing that would keep them from getting their lists in. So, as I do with things when I dont know anything about them, I make shit up. It is my firm belief that Zach and Tyler are once again fighting, this time over who shall turn their list in second, because... two is a bigger number than one, and is therefore better. This leads to several awkward conversations around the dinner table where Zach and Tyler's mom and dad look on extremely confused about the Tot lists that T and Z constantly bring up, and the parents want to know why its a big deal on who turns in this "list" first, but are too afraid to ask. Estimated time of arrivial of keeper list: Zach - Friday, 11:57 PM; Tyler - Friday 11:58 PM. Sorry Zach, Tyler gets to claim that he is better until the season starts.
Kevin - I got nothing man. Maybe he is salty pretzel pushing like Mike Trout? Shit...I cant even make up a story. Actually, I just texted him to ask what his deal is...and he's getting his team in soon, getting keepers by Friday and is planning on being there for the draft, which is all excellent. It kinda bums me out that I can't make up a story about how Kevin goes to patients at work with his box of Mike Trout's Salty Goodness and pressures them into eating an entire box at a time, but we cant all have what we want all the time, can we?
We interrupt this irregularly scheduled blog post to bring you this very important message:
Actually, its half a Goulet because sometimes a half is better than a none. And I have only got the time for a half.
#4568 – Injuries to favorite players - Every year, there are preseason injuries to key players that end up affecting the course of the entire fantasy season. This year is lkely to be no different. With Spring Training starting, it is only a matter of time before one of our big $ keepers ends up blowing an elbow or destroying a knee (I just hope that its someone from Tomsula's team...thats right LC Tomsula. I am coming for your crown and I have no problems with winning it because a massive number of significant injuries befells your team). The injury bug has already taken down one of my preseason targets, Jurickson Profar, or as he is called in the Grupe house, Jerkison Profar, who appears to be headed towards missing his second straight full season with a shoulder injury. For those of you scoring at home, that gives the number of seasons he has missed a slight lead over the number of seasons he has participated in, 2-1. For the former #1 prospect in all of baseball, it is a big blow as he might never recover the ability he once had (hey Twins fans...isnt Byron Buxton a former #1 prospect in all of baseball who keeps getting hurt?) or he might come back and find his job has been taken by Roughed Odor. As of right now, the leaders in the "Hes gonna git hurt in ST" death pool - Troy Tulowitzki, because thats what he do; Jose Altuve, because Jon Singleton is going to mistake him for a fun size chocolate elf and eat him; and Adam Wainwright, because God hates beautiful curveballs and because he is on Bob's team...and Bob is a dick.
7 – Crowning the king - I am actually looking forward to the pre draft crispy crowning ceremony. I have no idea how it will work, but I have visions of giving Tom a large cup full of beer, demanding that he chug it and then placing a bag of tater tots on his head while he kneels. Then, I take a baseball bat and touch each shoulder lightly like people do in bad movies about early England when they are knighting someone. Actually...this is exactly how I expect the ceremony will go and I hope that someone takes numerous pictures so that we can post them on this blog and/or use them for blackmail at some point in the future.
6 – Fantasy baseball articles - There is very little that I enjoy more than terribly written or researched fantasy articles. I'm not particular about the sport, though since I like baseball most, I can pick out the articles that are full of shit much easier. And there are more than enough crappy articles floating around the interwebs at this time of the year. I just found a site that talks about "hoping to become your source for tips and strategy for fantasy baseball 2015" but doesnt have a single article linked that is from this year. There is actually one that is a billed as a list of sleepers for 2013 and includes Evan Gattis. Thats the whole list. Evan Gattis. That is some hard hitting analysis. I think I am going to bookmark that page and see what other nuggest of wisdom I can get from it.
5 – Mad Bum - 2014's Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year played Superman to the Royals' General Zod in last year's World Series. What will he do for an encore? The potential outcomes range from pulling a Steve Nebraska and striking out every batter he faces while curing cancer and ending world hunger to breaking down in Spring Training from the massive workload he has put on his shoulder/elbow before his 26th birthday. Either way, the man who married his high school sweetheart and gave her a cow as a wedding present will be quietly entertaining.
4 – The San Diego Ron Burgendys - Has your team been perennially shitty since the Clinton years? Do you wear an exciting combination of brown and yellow that looks like the dookie someone dropped on Pablo Sandookieval? Did your infield hit a combine .158/.199/.256 last year (approximate)? Oh the things that one offseason can do. Wait...the offseason didnt solve any of these problems?
They might be competitive, but are in a division with the defending champion Giants and the Dodgers, who have more money than they will ever be able to spend...seriously...$300 million a year from the TV deal alone...(the Rockies barely count anymore unless TuloGit and CarStop are healthy and mashing and the DBacks need a healthy season from Paul Goldschmidt and several minor miracles). So, even if they are competitive, they are likely chasing a Wild Card berth with the Mets, Marlins and the entire NL Central. They are still wearing the McDonald's uniforms...and for all of their impressive roster moves they did absolutely nothing to address their putrid infield offense, except get rid of the one player who was actually capable of being a useful player, Everth Cabrera (though Cabrera was slightly worse than Henry Roengartner at the plate last year). A 5 through 8 lineup that consists of Jedd Jerko, Yonder Alonso, the Yanger Zone and Alexi Amarista scares exactly no one. Actually, I think that Roengartner could repeatedly get that group out throwing nothing but floaters. I get that the Padres are the exciting team who made a bunch of moves and got players like Matt Kemp, Justin Upton and Wil Myers (seriously, the more i think about it, the more I like the Myers pick up. Two years ago Myers was the next coming of Jimmie Foxx and now he was traded for Steven Souza-phone, Tyson Ross's little brother and something called a Trea Turner (actually, Turner is legit. But how would a sentence meant to look like he was traded for several bags of peanuts look if I included that at least one of the players is a top teir prospect)? Myers shouldnt be playing CF, but at least he should hit. If they could teach him to play 3b, maybe their offseason would lead to more than disappointment. For once, I am invested in how things play out in Saint Diego.
3 – Spring Training Baseball - The possibilities are endless. The weather is warm. Guys wearing jerseys with numbers in the 60s and 70s will be hitting and pitching to each other enough that it will convince a bunch of people that one of them is worth bringing up with the big team until he has to face the actual MLB caliber players. I love ST for the first week...then I just want the games to start. On a side note, we will finally get a chance to see if guys like Matt Harvey, AJ Griffin and Jarrod Parker are ready to go after an entire year off. I even promise not to make any reference whatsoever to the guy playing third base for the Yankees...Chase Headley.
2 – We Get Tacos…or whatever comes next - One of the best things about last year was the now famous Rockie promotion of "We Get Tacos" and the Mike Shaw Subaru Super Mo Replay. With the free trial of MLB Extra Innings on Direct TV (at least, I better get that again), I cant wait to see what goodies some of the other teams have waiting to be discovered. And if there isnt anything great, we can always fall back on "We Get Tacos."
1 – Rougned Odor and Rougned Odor - In one of the best moves of all time, the Texas Rangers signed Rougned Odor, younger brother of Rougned Odor, this week. Thats right...the two brothers have the exact same name. The soon to be 21 year old Odor was the Rangers second baseman much of last year and established himself as decent but not spectacular player. He was likely to have some stiff competition for the starting job from the aforementioned Profar before Profar broke hisself again. Now the Rangers' keystone job appears to be all but officially his. The 17 year old younger Odor is also a middle infielder, so in a coupld of seasons the Rangers might have a full fledged Odor problem in the middle of the diamond (wow that was a terrible pun, but I loved every second of it). I am not gonna lie, the possibility of an Odor-Odor-Fielder double play happening at some point, even if its spring training, makes me happy in ways that only Garrett Richards and George Springer can top.
