MLB Offseason

I would love to say that we have hit the halfway point of the offseason, but unfortunately that day is still about a 3 or 4 weeks away.  So...to help pass the time, baseball does this strange thing called the "Hot Stove League," which, I am told does not involve the removal of any clothing not does it require that one takes a dookie on Pablo Sandoval's chest, as the name would imply.  A quick googling tells me that hot stove actually gets its name from either fans who sit around a hot stove in the winter months and talk baseball or from the fact that the off season plans are "cooked up" on a hot stove.  Neither of these reasons makes any more sense than the Sandookie.  Anyways, a several teams made some pretty drastic moves, and, because I write a blog about baseball on the interwebs, Minnesota statute 624.714 says that I am legally obligated to comment on them, though not to provide an exhaustive commentary on each and every move made by each team. 

Boston Red Sawks -
There was a scene in American Pie (the first one, I am still trying to forget that there were any subsequent films made in this series...except the Naked Mile...long live the Naked Mile) where Jim and Nadia are about to make friendly gestures towards one another and Jim, predictably blows it in his pants.  This leads to Jim eventually hooking up with band geek Michelle who is ultimately better for him in the end.  The Bo Sawks are Jim from American Pie.  They blew their wad early, binging on west coasters by signing Hanley Ramirez away from the Dodgers and Pablo Sandookieval away from the Giants.  That spending spree (and the Sawks refusal to pay more) led to Lester (the best looking girl at the dance) to sign with the Cubs and the Sawks to trade for former Detroit starter Rick Porcello.  Obviously Lester to Porcello is a downgrade, but not as big of one as you would expect, and for the Red Sawks, Porcello actually makes more sense, especially at less than half the cost per season.  Porcello is a roughly league average pitcher, except that he does one thing ridiculously well...get very good hitters to hit the bury the ball on the ground.  With the short porch in LF and a decent fielding infield, the Sawks might be better off with $10 mil in the coffers and an extreme ground ball pitcher than they would have been with Lester for 6 years. 

Chicago Cubs -
The Cubbies have had an interesting offseason for a team which was supposedly another year away from being serious about playing major league caliber baseball.  Signing Lester (not the Molester) makes sense because he should be able to play well through the first 3 or 4 years of the contract (while the last 2-3 years will make him a very well paid #4 or 5 starter).  Signing the Hammanimal to a 2 year deal seems a bit much, since he went so far into the tank in Oakland that the A's seriously considered moving him to the bullpen for the stretch run before remembering that their other options were Jesse Chavez and Drew Pomeranz.  Signing Jason Motte gives them another bullpen option, if he is remotely healthy.  Even with all those, its the Mitsubishi Montero trade will utimately decide whether or not this is a successful offseason.  Unless Lester tanks Mike Hampton-style, you know what you are getting with him...ditto for Hammel.  No one is expecting anything from Motte, but fairly big things are expected of Montero.  He was an all star, and one of the best catchers in baseball, just a few short years ago (2011, 2012) before he basically forgot how to hit (his 2013 stat line is particularly ugly...230/318/344 for an OPS+ of 83 over 475 plate appearances...yikes).  If he can regain his form, he gives the Cubs a legitmate left handed bat (to team with Anthony Rizzo) in a lineup that is leaning heavily to the right.  If he cant, he provides a large number of outs. 
Luckily, the Cubs have hired an individuals who should help immensely - Darnell McDonald (he of the 7 year, overall OPS+ 89 MLB career) to be the "Mental Skills Program Co-Ordinator."  I wonder if that means his primary job is to try to download common sense into Starlin Castro.

San Diego Whale's Vaginas
The Whale's Vaginas became the first team in the history of MLB to trade away every single one of their players in a single offseason.  They even traded so many times, that they ended up with some of the players they started with...and those guys never even realized they had been dealt.  In adding Matt Kemp, Justin Upton and Wil Myers to an OF already consisting of Seth Smith and Wil Venable, the Padres may be trying to employ the beer league softball tactic of playing 4 OFers...which actually might be their best bet since none of these players profiles as a regular CFer and the Padres infielders are beyond terrible (except for Jedd Jerko...he is way beyond terrible).  I mean, whats the worst thing that could happen when you trade for a bunch of players who are considered good at baseball because they are powerful gentlemen who hit homeruns when your ball park suppresses home runs as much as any other ballpark in the history of MLB that wasnt named the Astrodome?  The biggest win for San Diego is that they only had to give up Jesse Hahn from their stable of youngish, cheap good pitching...which they will need when Kemp breaks down, Myers struggles to recover from his wrist injury and Justin and BJ play the old switcheroo trick.

Milwaukee Brewers
The Brewers have had an offseason which rivals the Padres.  Theyve made numerous minor league moves.  They traded for Kyle Wren!!!!  They acquired a real life, MLB caliber 1b in Adam Lind.  They even resigned Jeremy Hermida, then decided to unresign him so that he could go and play somewhere in Asia where he will actually be allowed to play at the highest level (full disclosure: I have an unhealthy like for Jeremy Hermida and his departure from North America will leave a tangible hole in my heart). 
Obviously, the news here is that the Brew Crew no longer has to employ 48 year old Lyle Overbay at first base, nor do they need to resign strikeout king Mark Reynolds, who already signed on elsewhere anyways (shouldnt Strikeout King Mark Reynolds become his actual title?  Yup, its decided).  Lind is a nice hitter, who may be worse than Adam Dunn in the field.  Over the past 4 years he has made nearly 20 errors at the first sack while barely playing more than half the possible games there.  Good luck with that throw in the dirt, Jean Segura!

Minnesota Twins
I was going to make fun of the Twins for their signing of Torii Hunter and call Ervin Santana the second coming of Ricky Nolasco, but its not even fun anymore.  The $10 mil they gave to Hunter seems like a team that knows its a sunk season already and needed something to draw people to the stadium so that they didnt play in front of 25000 people dressed as empty seats every game...and a Torii Hunter Farewell Tour seemed like the best idea (reported other ideas included a Joe Mauer sideburn giveaway, Tonka Bull Doziers, Win a Date with Phil Hughes, and a drawing to see which lucky fan would get to be that game's starting pitcher...to be held every 5th day).  Ervin Santana is a decent number 3 starter who will be expected to pitch like a number 2 and to adapt to pitching in really cold weather after never throwing a home game north of the Mason-Dixon line.  The odds of this happening are not great.  The Twins need to continue to accumulate young players with the goal of bringing them all up at the same time, giving them a 6 year, cost controlled window of contention (kinda like the Cubs and Astros are doing).  Really, they need only look back at the early aughts when they brought up the last wave of players to the Twins teams that won a lot of games...Cory Koskie, Hunter, Morneau, Mauer...to see the blueprint.  They are getting there slowly, they just need to resist the urge to bring up guys like Miguel Sano and Byron Buxton before the reinforcements (Alex Meyer, the youngest Gordon) are ready to join them.

Hall of Fame ballot analysis will be coming next week.  Happy New Year's Tot Heads

Week 13 Recaps: The Playoff Field is Set

So being that I don't have a lot of time to write this post, I will spend most of the time on the important games.

Multiple Scoregasms 82
Show Me Them TD's  60

Jason and I have a one way ticket to the Shitter Bowl! Also I deserved this lose after making fun of Jason for always losing to me earlier in the year.

MeAndJulioDown ByTheSchoolYard 112
Baghdad Bombers 87

This game had little meaning since Josh already clinched a spot in the playoffs. However, this was a nice win for Louie to close the book on an otherwise bad fantasy season.

Rolling Meadows Mustangs 120
Smokin Blounts N Drinkin FORTEs 118

This game ended up not mattering as well since Zach had the number 1 spot locked down and Tom got no help in the other games. He needed Gunnar to lose in order to tie for that 4th and final playoff spot but that was going to be a stretch since the ArcticCats played the incompetent Red Hawks owned by Dr. Panda. However, a tip of the cap to Tom for a hell of an effort to try to sneak into the playoffs. So close... but here is the final losing picture post of the football season (the consolation bracket doesn't exist in my world).

If Gunnar wins the championship, every player on the team gets one.

Wisconsin ArcticCats 82
Kalamazoo Red Hawks 64

As I stated, this clinched a spot in the playoffs for Gunnar and eliminated Tom. Gunnar didn't have a particularly great week, but in order to beat the Red Hawks you don't need to. For Christ sake, Chris had six players score two points or less. The mind fucking part of this is that 5 of those players weren't hurt, they just suck! The amount of awfulness that is amassed on the Red Hawks roster is absolutely insane, yet somehow I finished a game behind him. WTF!!! Anyways, Gunnar has finally been starting Aaron Rodgers over Russell Wilson and it may just help lead him to a championship the way Rodgers is playing. Gunnar left Antonio Brown on the bench this week for some ungodly reason, but I'd imagine he will be in the starting lineup next week as Gunnar plays Josh in the Semi-finals.

I'm Ball Murray 98
Team Mustangs 83

This was practically a playoff game a week before the actual playoffs begin. Who would've thought halfway through the season that T would be the one that falls out of the playoffs? He was 6-3 after nine games and was in second only a few weeks ago, but that all changed after he went 1-3 down the stretch and choked away his playoff spot. So much for the brotherly championship battle deux. An interesting point about these two teams is that John beat T 70-69 back in week 5 which now looms large as a reason why John is in the playoffs and T isn't. In that week 5 matchup, T had a bad game from his running backs (totaling 4 points) and Calvin Johnson re-aggravated his injury early against the Bills and put up a goose egg. This week it was the quarterback position that is left to blame. Tony Romo scored a minuscule 3 points in his Thanksgiving day game and choked away a playoff opportunity like he is so used to doing, although this time it was for T's Mustangs and not the Cowboys (yet). It also hurt T that the recently fantasy stud Mike Evans had an off day, only scoring 4 points against the Bengals on Sunday. On the winning side John outscored T by a total of 36-7 when you combine the quarterback and kicker position.Take that and add a good performance from DeMarco Murray and you have yourself a playoff spot. John will have a tough matchup coming up in the first round of the playoffs against 12-1 defending champs, but anything can happen come playoff time.