Week 8 Waivers- Twister

There's a scene in Twister (which I have seen more than any grown up, well adjusted male should because it is one of my wife's all time favorite movies) where the protagonist (Helen Hunt) and her somewhat non assertive ex/soon to be again/future re-ex husband (the guy who I always think is Bill Pullman but is really Bill Paxton) are trying to get their new fangled sciency device to fly up into a massive tornado so that they can be the first to get hard data from inside the cyclone.  They end up driving through a corn field in a pickup truck at like Mach 2 (I have walked through a corn field and I feel like the truck would eventually slow down because of the corn resistance, not barrel continue to barrel through it like it does in the movie, but what do I know...its not like I expect a movie in which the premise revolves on sciency stuff to actually adhere to the laws of science or anything), and hiding under rickety bridge as the largest tornado anyone in Iowa would have ever seen roars behind them.
Then, when they think that they have made it through the worst of it, the tornado decides to be one of those annoying as hell red turtle shells from Mario Cart and makes a direct right turn and chases the characters into some kind of well/pump house where they somehow manage to stay anchored to a pipe using a leather belt and a whole lot of grunting and angst.  But there is a moment where Paxton gives one of the all-time best "Oh Shit"/"You've got to be fucking kidding me" faces.  When Kyler asked me to handle the waivers for this week, I am pretty sure that I had a simliar face (though I would doubt that mine was even in the same ballpark).  I've managed to get this far without proving to all of you that my fantasy football knowledge is adequate, at best, and probably closer to "are you sure that you actually watch football on a regular basis?   Like, not the sport that Eurpoeans call football, but actual real live American football with helmets and everything?"  So, I'm gonna strap on the leather belt, grunt a bunch of times and hope that I dont get carried away by the F5 tornado that is this week's waiver wire transactions.  Hopefully we'll get through it together, and none of the people who happen to walk near me while I am doing this think that I am horribly constipated.


K Phil Dawson - Show Me Them TDs! - Drop RB Carlos Hyde

Eric Shelton's career was made up of 8 carries for 23 yards. But
at least he was drafted ahead of Frank Gore.  Whoops.

Anytime that you have the 13th ranked kicker in fantasy football, you should make sure that you keep him at all costs, even if he is on a bye and there really arent many people who would want to pick him up if you did drop him.  Such is life for Kyler with Mason Crosby.  Crosby is a perfectly fine kicker, but the difference between him and Dawson over the course of the year is pretty small.  The cost to keep Crosby and Dawson and create a fake kicker duel for the starting job was 9ers rookie Carlos Hyde. <<side note...I think that the fake kicker duel should be a real thing.  I am thinking that you get two people, their hands, a marker and a paper football.  Each person writes the name and number of the player they represent on the back of their hands, aka handjerseies, then have a contest to see who gets the start.  First one to make 10 kicks is in the lineup.  The other is banished to the emptiness of the waiver wire.  This needs to happen and it needs to be documented.>>  Hyde is a bowling ball of awesomeness that happens to be stuck behind the not as old as you think he is Frank Gore (RBs drafted before Gore in the 2005 draft - Ronnie Brown, Cedric Benson, Cadillac Williams, JJ Arrington, Eric Shelton.  Thats 4 guys who sucked it hard and Eric Shelton.  I have no idea who that is, and if you do, its likely because you actually are Eric Shelton living under an assumed name and trying to forget that you are Eric Shelton).  Were Hyde to get a chance with the Santa Clara 49ers first team offense, he would be a must start RB.  But bionic Frank Gore will likely still be taking carries when the rest of us are drinking out of straws and wearing diapers.

WR Andrew Hawkins - Team Mustangs - Drop WR Brian Quick
Poor Brian Quick.  Just as the Appalachian State product was starting to show what he could do with someone semi-competent at QB (Austin Davis 4eva!!!) he busted up his arm and shoulder and his season.  The injury left Team Mustangs (who may occasionally be refered to as Team Poontang once in a while...I cant keep all these Mustang teams straight...and really, there is only so much Rolling Meadows that my brain can take before it completely shuts off) really short at WR with Megatron hurt/bying and Alshon Jeffery and the Bears also off this week (can you believe there is not a single picture online of Alshon Jeffery playing mini-golf?  What is this world coming to?).  Hawkins has a pair of nice games in his last 2 and gets the poor Tampa pass defense this week and he plays my team this week.  I am pretty sure that means his floor is 100 yds and 2 TDs.  I just found this interview and Andrew Hawkins is now one of my favorite players ever.  I mean come on, how can you not love the I "watched Golden Girls every single day" during the offseason quote?  Andrew Hawkins for President.

K Steven Hauschka - Rolling Meadows Mustangs - Drop Houston Texans D
Defense for Kicker swap...aka Dicker Swap?  Judges?  Yes?  Done.

WR Brandon LaFell - Team Poontangs - Drop RB Matt Asiata
I am pretty sure that LaFell caught 28 passes for 297 yards and 7 TDs against the Bears last week (all numbers approximate) and he has Gronk drawing coverage and Mr Bundchen throwing passes his way.  All these go under the "I should probably pick that guy up" category.  Add that he is a 6'3" 215 pound monster  andis trying to bring back the 1990s flat top fade look and it makes me wonder why he was on the waiver wire to begin with.  As for the Asiata drop, in the words of my 3 year old daughter, "Yeah, Duh."



QB Ben Roethlisberger - Bagdad Baaaaahmers - Drop QB Ryan Tannehill
We've all see the highlights and read the write ups on Big Ben's Big Day Out (we even had our own little Ben Therapist Session the other day), so I get why he was an immediate pick up.  I mean, I am on the blog record saying that he is Canton-bound when his career is over...and its far far from over.  That said, I'm not sure I feel great about starting him (quick check, Rivers is starting), but if you need a one week bye starter, Roethlisberger is one that always has a chance to throw up 350 and 3 TDs, which doesnt always come on the waiver wire.  Tannehill has been predictible, but solidly mediocre, never throwing for more than 277 yards or more than 2 TDs, but he has thrown for 178 yards or more in every game and has thrown at least 1 TD in every contest.  Again, not the type of numbers that usually are found on the waiver wire.  It wouldnt surprise me to see Tannehill scooped up fairly quickly with the byes continuing.

Bengals Defense - Bagdad Baaaaaahmers - Drop Dolphins D
Dear Miami Dolphins-
Thanks for the multiple TAINTs, they felt great, but I'm chasing Blake Bortles.
Sincerely,
Ben Wallace's brother Josh

K Cody Parkey - I'm Murray's Balls - Drop RB CJ Spiller
John turned Terrance Williams into a bye week kicker...he lucked into that kicker being Parkey, the 6th highest scoring K on the season.  By dumping the IR'ed Spiller, he did manage to hang on to his old kicker, Matt Bryant.  Bryant is the 20th overall kicker and he has just 2 weeks of 10+ point scoring on the year.  For comparison, Parkey has just 1 week with less than 10 points.  I understand dropping Spiller for a player who is in the Upright Citizens Brigade, I just dont get why John wouldnt do a kicker swap and chase a player with more production potential for Spiller's spot.

TE Dwayne Allen - Rolling Meadows Mustangs - Drop WR Cecil Shorts III
I am actually a fan of The Third, he just has the misfortune of playing with a still-figuring-it-out Blake Bortles (I am pretty sure that he will figure it out eventually and be more of a Drew Bledsoe type than go full on David Klingler or David Carr) so he is terrible inconsistent and completely untrustable in fantasy football (the only trustable Bortles receiver is one wearing the colors of the opposition).  Allen is a TD dependant TE, who happens to be very good at scoring TDs.  He hasnt topped 65 yards in any game this season, but he has scored TDs in 6 of the 8 games he has played in.  In a way, he is the exact opposite of Shorts.  Whereas Short's QB's inexperience has turned him from a very productive player to a inconsistent one, Allen's QB is so talented that he has turned a mediocre player into a very consistent and productive one.  Long live the neck beard society of Andrew Luck and Kyle Orton.

Minnesota Vikings D - Blounts and Fortes - No Drop
Tom knew I was doing this entry this week, right?  I mean, I'm being punked, yes?  Where's Ashton?

RB Knile Davis - Multiple Scoregasms - Drop WR Mike Evans
If Jamaal Charles ever goes down with an injury, Knile Davis has the talent to perform so well that there will be 102837 babies named Knile in the KC area within 10 months of Charles going down.  his talent is that good.  Unfortunately, until Charles leaves KC (and the people of KC riot and burn that motherfucker to the ground) or is hurt for an extend period of time, Davis is only going to be useful in blowouts (which are impossible to predict unless a Jaguar is involved) or when he vultures a TD (also very difficult to predict).   Evans is suffering from the same plague that Shorts is suffering from, terrible and inconsistent play from the QB position.  Evans has shown flashes of brilliance and would likely rival Kelvin Benjamin for second best rookie WR (Sammy Watkins has the top spot on reserve) if he could get Joike McColennon to stop sucking at football.  In this swap, Davis's problems are much more easily fixed than those of Evans.

KC Chiefs D - Multiple Scoregasms - Drop Buffalo D
The wagons have stopped circling, and the Berman will never stop crying.

TE Larry Donnell - Me and Julio - Drop TE Charles Clay
Someday I will find myself a forever TE.  That day is probably not today.  Clay had a good game against the Bears a coupld of weeks ago, but after watching what a good TE did against them last week, Clay's performance looked like it came from a guy who cant get anything going against a team that has a functional pass coverage MLB and a safety who wouldnt get torched in a Pop Warner game (the Bears currently have neither of these things).  Donnell has had some ups and downs and he loses the football so often that I am pretty sure that he puts crisco on his gloves instead of tack, but he is a big athletic guy on a team that doesnt have very many big athletic guys (or little athletic guys with Victor Cruz and Rashad Jennings out of the lineup).  Really, the Giants passing offense is down to Donnell, Ruben Randle and Odell Beckham JR.  With the way my TEs have been performing, those odds are better than what I have been getting.