I would love to say that we have hit the halfway point of the offseason, but unfortunately that day is still about a 3 or 4 weeks away. So...to help pass the time, baseball does this strange thing called the "Hot Stove League," which, I am told does not involve the removal of any clothing not does it require that one takes a dookie on Pablo Sandoval's chest, as the name would imply. A quick googling tells me that hot stove actually gets its name from either fans who sit around a hot stove in the winter months and talk baseball or from the fact that the off season plans are "cooked up" on a hot stove. Neither of these reasons makes any more sense than the Sandookie. Anyways, a several teams made some pretty drastic moves, and, because I write a blog about baseball on the interwebs, Minnesota statute 624.714 says that I am legally obligated to comment on them, though not to provide an exhaustive commentary on each and every move made by each team.
Boston Red Sawks -
There was a scene in American Pie (the first one, I am still trying to forget that there were any subsequent films made in this series...except the Naked Mile...long live the Naked Mile) where Jim and Nadia are about to make friendly gestures towards one another and Jim, predictably blows it in his pants. This leads to Jim eventually hooking up with band geek Michelle who is ultimately better for him in the end. The Bo Sawks are Jim from American Pie. They blew their wad early, binging on west coasters by signing Hanley Ramirez away from the Dodgers and Pablo Sandookieval away from the Giants. That spending spree (and the Sawks refusal to pay more) led to Lester (the best looking girl at the dance) to sign with the Cubs and the Sawks to trade for former Detroit starter Rick Porcello. Obviously Lester to Porcello is a downgrade, but not as big of one as you would expect, and for the Red Sawks, Porcello actually makes more sense, especially at less than half the cost per season. Porcello is a roughly league average pitcher, except that he does one thing ridiculously well...get very good hitters to hit the bury the ball on the ground. With the short porch in LF and a decent fielding infield, the Sawks might be better off with $10 mil in the coffers and an extreme ground ball pitcher than they would have been with Lester for 6 years.
Chicago Cubs -
The Cubbies have had an interesting offseason for a team which was supposedly another year away from being serious about playing major league caliber baseball. Signing Lester (not the Molester) makes sense because he should be able to play well through the first 3 or 4 years of the contract (while the last 2-3 years will make him a very well paid #4 or 5 starter). Signing the Hammanimal to a 2 year deal seems a bit much, since he went so far into the tank in Oakland that the A's seriously considered moving him to the bullpen for the stretch run before remembering that their other options were Jesse Chavez and Drew Pomeranz. Signing Jason Motte gives them another bullpen option, if he is remotely healthy. Even with all those, its the Mitsubishi Montero trade will utimately decide whether or not this is a successful offseason. Unless Lester tanks Mike Hampton-style, you know what you are getting with him...ditto for Hammel. No one is expecting anything from Motte, but fairly big things are expected of Montero. He was an all star, and one of the best catchers in baseball, just a few short years ago (2011, 2012) before he basically forgot how to hit (his 2013 stat line is particularly ugly...230/318/344 for an OPS+ of 83 over 475 plate appearances...yikes). If he can regain his form, he gives the Cubs a legitmate left handed bat (to team with Anthony Rizzo) in a lineup that is leaning heavily to the right. If he cant, he provides a large number of outs.
Luckily, the Cubs have hired an individuals who should help immensely - Darnell McDonald (he of the 7 year, overall OPS+ 89 MLB career) to be the "Mental Skills Program Co-Ordinator." I wonder if that means his primary job is to try to download common sense into Starlin Castro.
San Diego Whale's Vaginas
The Whale's Vaginas became the first team in the history of MLB to trade away every single one of their players in a single offseason. They even traded so many times, that they ended up with some of the players they started with...and those guys never even realized they had been dealt. In adding Matt Kemp, Justin Upton and Wil Myers to an OF already consisting of Seth Smith and Wil Venable, the Padres may be trying to employ the beer league softball tactic of playing 4 OFers...which actually might be their best bet since none of these players profiles as a regular CFer and the Padres infielders are beyond terrible (except for Jedd Jerko...he is way beyond terrible). I mean, whats the worst thing that could happen when you trade for a bunch of players who are considered good at baseball because they are powerful gentlemen who hit homeruns when your ball park suppresses home runs as much as any other ballpark in the history of MLB that wasnt named the Astrodome? The biggest win for San Diego is that they only had to give up Jesse Hahn from their stable of youngish, cheap good pitching...which they will need when Kemp breaks down, Myers struggles to recover from his wrist injury and Justin and BJ play the old switcheroo trick.
Milwaukee Brewers
The Brewers have had an offseason which rivals the Padres. Theyve made numerous minor league moves. They traded for Kyle Wren!!!! They acquired a real life, MLB caliber 1b in Adam Lind. They even resigned Jeremy Hermida, then decided to unresign him so that he could go and play somewhere in Asia where he will actually be allowed to play at the highest level (full disclosure: I have an unhealthy like for Jeremy Hermida and his departure from North America will leave a tangible hole in my heart).
Obviously, the news here is that the Brew Crew no longer has to employ 48 year old Lyle Overbay at first base, nor do they need to resign strikeout king Mark Reynolds, who already signed on elsewhere anyways (shouldnt Strikeout King Mark Reynolds become his actual title? Yup, its decided). Lind is a nice hitter, who may be worse than Adam Dunn in the field. Over the past 4 years he has made nearly 20 errors at the first sack while barely playing more than half the possible games there. Good luck with that throw in the dirt, Jean Segura!
Minnesota Twins
I was going to make fun of the Twins for their signing of Torii Hunter and call Ervin Santana the second coming of Ricky Nolasco, but its not even fun anymore. The $10 mil they gave to Hunter seems like a team that knows its a sunk season already and needed something to draw people to the stadium so that they didnt play in front of 25000 people dressed as empty seats every game...and a Torii Hunter Farewell Tour seemed like the best idea (reported other ideas included a Joe Mauer sideburn giveaway, Tonka Bull Doziers, Win a Date with Phil Hughes, and a drawing to see which lucky fan would get to be that game's starting pitcher...to be held every 5th day). Ervin Santana is a decent number 3 starter who will be expected to pitch like a number 2 and to adapt to pitching in really cold weather after never throwing a home game north of the Mason-Dixon line. The odds of this happening are not great. The Twins need to continue to accumulate young players with the goal of bringing them all up at the same time, giving them a 6 year, cost controlled window of contention (kinda like the Cubs and Astros are doing). Really, they need only look back at the early aughts when they brought up the last wave of players to the Twins teams that won a lot of games...Cory Koskie, Hunter, Morneau, Mauer...to see the blueprint. They are getting there slowly, they just need to resist the urge to bring up guys like Miguel Sano and Byron Buxton before the reinforcements (Alex Meyer, the youngest Gordon) are ready to join them.
Hall of Fame ballot analysis will be coming next week. Happy New Year's Tot Heads
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