If you aint first, you're last.

I sometimes stop to wonder if it is slightly problematic that a large number of the greatest and most memorable quotes of the last 15 years were said by a character being played by Will Ferrell.  I feel like there should be some more widely remembered things said by important people like Presidents, poets, and deep thinkers.  I guess there are plenty, but most of them are things like, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" and "I can see Russia from my house."  Not exactly high brow stuff there.  Ricky Bobby, Ron Burgendy, and Ashley Schaeffer arent exactly high brow either, but their dialogue is written in a way that is at the same time honest, hillarious, ridiculous and poignant.  But while I love me some Ron Burgendy and some Ricky Bobby (and I am somewhat sad to admit, Jackie Moon), my favorite Will Ferrell movie is a little seen one, Eight Years in Catmandu Stranger than Fiction.  The premise, that a man suddenly begins hearing a voice narrating his life and that voice implies that his death is imminent, is interesting and Ferrell is his usual blend of physical and vocal comedy, but adds a great deal of humility, which is likely why its my favorite one of his movies.  Anyways, this is a super long way of saying, sorry Zach, you had a great season, but since you didnt finish it out, I am pretty much ignoring your team for the rest of this post.  This one belongs to the very first Tater Tot Crown winner.
Back in July, when Tom went all Crusaiders style in attempt to take back Thursday, he wrote, "I hope to make the playoffs this year and my other big goal is to beat John. He doesnt think that I will be able to win with my team so that make winning a playoff spot all the better to know that I made it and he didnt. It's going to be interesting the rest of the year to see who can lock up that last playoff spot considering five teams are really close to each other in the standings. I really didnt know what I was doing in the draft or for the first few weeks which really hurt my season because I fell to last place and it was hard to get out. But I think i can try to be Worst to First."  Looks like mission accomplished on all fronts.  Make the playoffs...check (win playoffs...check).  Beat John...check, check and check (John finished in 8th place in the regular season and lost the unmentionable 7th place game to Kevin for an 8th place finish.  Sounds like John finished in 8th...and Tom finished in 1st).
So in honor of our first champion, heres the breakdown of the final week for each starter:

C - Joe Mauer - Despite an overall down season (277/361/371 60R 55RBI 3SB 455 ABs), Mauer was a respectable 294/368/412 1R 3RBI in the season's final week including hits in each of his last 4 games.  Mauer will lose catcher eligibility for 2015, so it will be interesting (at least to me) to see what Tom does with the Hometown Hero.

1b - Adrian Gonzalez - The MLB's RBI leader (116) had a bit of a rough last week with the stick (167/250/556) but chipped in a strong 4 runs and 4 RBI to help Tom win both those categories.  His season long numbers were close to the Adrian Gonzalez that we all remember from San Diego several seasons back, but without the benefits of a high OBP (.335).  His 83 runs was the 8th best total by a 1b and his .482 slg % was the 10th best by a first base eligible player with more than 400 at bats.

2b - Chase Utley - Utley, too, had a bit of a slow last week of the season, finishing with a 217/280/348 line with 2 runs, 2 RBI and a pair of stolen bases.  The stolen bases ended up being key, as Tom won the category by exactly 2 steals.  For the season, Utley's 270/339/407 was unspectacular but solid and he did it over 589 at bats.  His 78 RBIs were the 4th most by a second base player.

3b - Josh Donaldson - Donaldson helped the A's stave off the biggest, most epic collapse since the Dust Bunnies went into a tail spin in late August with a 261/414/391 4R 1RBI week.  Amongt 3b, Donaldson was 4th in runs and 2nd in RBI and 8th in slg% for the season.

SS - Ian Desmond - Not to be confused with Ian Ziering or Dustin Diamond, Desmond continued his ascension into the ranks of the SS elite this year, finishing the season with a 255/313/430 line.  His 73 runs were the 9th most by a SS, his 91 RBI were the most at his position and his 24 stolen bases were the 6th most.  His multifaceted talents were on full display in the final week of the season as he finished with a pair each of RBI, runs and SBs to go along with a 286/421/571 slash line.

OF1- Yoenis Cespedes - Think Cespedes wishes that he were in Kansas City tonight instead of on his way home (maybe already there) to Cuba...wait...he cant go to Cuba because they will never let him leave again.  I think that means he would definitely rather be in KC...stinking Brad Pitt and his meddling in baseball management.  Yo!Anus had a solid final week, 308/308/346 4R 3RBI 1SB, but his overall season slash line (260/301/450) left a bit to be desired, even if his counting stats (89 runs tied for 10th in MLB among OF, 100 RBI was the 6th highest total) made him appear to be one of the top OFers in baseball.

OF2 - Austin Jackson - Jackson did his best Benedict Arnold impersonation, finishing the Championship week with a 138/194/138 1R 1RBI 1SB line.  The best thing about Jackson's season was that he played adequate defense (it certainly wasnt his 256/308/347 season line...and it is appalling that a team would hit a man with a .308 OBP at the top of its lineup as Seattle did throughout its stretch run.  Maybe if they had a player that didnt make 7 outs in every 10 times up hitting the most of any player on their roster, they would have won one more game).

OF3 - Andrew McCutchen - The reigning NL MVP was the Tater Tot Championship MVP with a ridiculous 409/548/773 7R 8RBI 1SB week that pretty much put Tom over the top in every offensive category.  McCutchen put up an Escalator Club line FOR THE SEASON (314/410/542) with 89 runs, 83 RBI and 18 SBs.  It was the first time in his career that he failed to steal 20 bags and also halted his run of 3 consecutive 20-20 season.  Basically, McCutchen is a statistical shmorgashborg of goodness whom we are all lucky to be seeing play live.  When I watch him play, I get the distinct feeling that we will be telling our grandkids about what it was like to see his combination of speed, power, defense and dreadlocks.

Being a former hitter, I have never really valued pitchers that much.  So...they get the speed round treatment...and after you see the stats Tom's guys put up this week, you'll realize that there are only so many ways to say, "This guy fucking dominated." 
Tom's worst starter this week was the guy the A's are sending to the hill tonight in their win or go home game against the Royals, Jon Lester.  And Lester's 7K 3.86/1.14 1 QS line would have been nice to have many a week on the Hitless Bastards.  Zach Greinke (2W 11K 2.08/0.85 1QS), David Price (1W 16K 1.69/0.88 2QS), Jake Arrieta (1W 10K 0.00/0.43 1 QS), Josh Collmenter (1W 8K 1.88/0.63 2QS) and Carlos Carrasco (19K 1.80/1.00 2 QS) all completely dominated this week (and I refuse to believe that it was actually Aaron Harang who put up 1W 12K 1.98/1.17 2 QS this week.  What is this, 2006?)  They were so good that Tom managed to win 5 of the 6 pitching categories (he lost SV+H, just like he always does) with one of the spots being filled by Jesse Chavez, who didnt throw this week and who Tom outright released on Monday.

Playoffs - Semi Finals - Two for the Show

And then there were two....  After 24 weeks (Jesus...does it feel like it has been nearly that long?), 8 of the 10 teams have been eliminated and all we are left with are Tom and Zach.  What is crazy about these two teams being the ones in the finals is that they were largely near the bottom of the league for long periods of time, and that they are both from what was, all season long, the weaker of the two divisions.  As late as the 8th week of the season, Zach's team was lingering at 42-49-5.  In each of the first two Goulet's, Zach was one of the bottom two teams, as his roto style record was even worse than his head to head one.  But it slowly started turning around and Zach earned himself first place in the Harmony division when his team whopped the MBHB's collective asses in the penultimate week of the fantasy regular season.  Even more impressive than Zach's run has been Tom's run.  In week 12, Les Moles were sitting at 58-81-5, in 9th place overall and looked to be playing to avoid the bottom spot.  The underlying numbers were spectacular (as I mentioned in the Goulets, Tom's team was one of the best all around teams in the league, top 2 according to the roto style stats) but it hadnt translated to actual success at that point...boy did it ever over the last 10 weeks of the league as Tom went 71-43-6. 
In the Battle for the Crispy Crown, Zach had better hope that his hitters step up big time, as Tom's SP heavy strategy will get a further advantage in the pitching categories with ZAttack pitcher Mike Minor likely having thrown his last pitch of the season and Zach not having a replacement on the bench to put into the lineup.  Zach's pitchers are scheduled to get 6 starts this week - Tom's are set to get 11.  Tom can thank the SP/RP guys for that massive advantage.  Anything can happen in any week of the season, but my prediction is that Tom's Lester's Molesters will take home the very first Crispy Crown.

With that...on to the recaps:

ZAttack - 8
UCCMA - 4

When Jim texted me on Saturday afternoon and asked me if I had sent his hitters some of the tips from the Mark Baker Hitless Bastard playbook, I figured that his hitters were in some trouble.  When I looked and saw that, as a team, they had 4 RBI through 5 full days worth of games, I realized just how much trouble they were in.  Michael Brantley (419/455/645 4R 3RBI 1SB) was the only one who played like the championship berth was on the line (because you KNOW that he plays fantasy baseball and has himself on his team...also, wouldnt it be awesome if you could own yourself in a fantasy sport.  What would you do if you were in a slump?  Could you bench yourself?)  Freddie Freeman (150/261/150), Javier Baez (138/219/138), Todd Frazier (176/263/353), Erick Aybar (118/250/118) and Carlos Gomez's gold painted balls (160/276/160) all failed to hit their weight this week.  When 5 of 8 starters cant break the Mendoza line, good things probably arent happening to your team that week. 
<<Side note on Carlos Gomez's gold painted balls -- As Kyler mentioned, he, John and I were golfing this weekend with another friend, Mark.  John has not hidden his distaste for the one time Twin, now Brewer.  I think at least part of the hatred is that Gomez came to the Twins in return for Johan Santana (who qualifies for Sainthood in MN) and then spent a few seasons completely dogging it before moving on to the MIL where he has turned into a borderline superstar -- he is a star, but hes not at superstar status just yet.  Anyways, I wont play amateur psychologist anymore (LIES!)....   We were on one of the tee boxes and John mentioned something about Carlos Gomez would be a terrible golfer because of how hard he swings (or something like that) and we all came to the conclusion that Carlos Gomez does not seem like the golfing kind of fellow, but that it would be spectacular to think about what it would be like if Carlos Gomez, as we see him on the TV during baseball games, was to play golf.  General awesomeness ensued in coming up with ideas, leading us to decide that he would definitely have some kind of bling and that gold balls were the most likely thing to fill that role.  Well...when you mention gold painted balls...people think gold plated balls (we had not yet started drinking at this point) and much of the rest of the day, Carlos Gomez's gold painted balls were mentioned in casual conversation involving people who were not golfing with us.  As you can imagine, it was a very eventful and fruitful Saturday morning golf round...end side note>>.

For Zach, basically only 3 players needed to show up this week.  Matt Kemp (333/344/633) singlehandedly tied UCCMA with 10 RBI, and he added 7 runs.  Jose Altuve (467/484/633) added 5 runs, 4 RBI and a pair of steals and David Ortiz (308/308/1000) put in 3 runs and 5 RBI.  The 3 of them were able to off set Jean Segura's 143/143/143 with 0R 0RBI and 0SB; Segura's terribleness at baseball continues to make me want to call the Brewers and ask their management if they realize that he is one of the worst everyday players of the last 15 years (if you combine his Aug and Sept to date, his slash line doesnt make orphans want to cry, but he does have exactly 2 extra base hits in 127 trips to the plate.  Instead of crying that he is almost singlehandedly submarining the Brewers playoff chances, the orphans are now dreaming of growing up to play SS for the Brew Crew because apparently they dont have any standards and anyone can do it.  Jean Segura...motivational player!
On the hill, Zach's advantage was less than in hitting, but a couple of relief wins (one each from Hector Rondon and Sergio Romo) combined with Lance Lynn (14K 2.77/0.92) throwing a pair of quality starts for Jim but coming away winless, led to Zach earning a split in the pitching categories and taking the matchup.  Clayton Kershaw had a blip (1W 9K 5.40/2.00) on his way to the Cy and quite possibly MVP, but Jeff Samardzija (10K 0.00/0.50 1QS) and Zach (!) Wheeler (1W 7K 0.00/1.17 1QS) more than made up for it for Zach.  Tanner Roark (1W 4K 0.00/0.71 1QS) continued his breakout campaign for Jim, but Tyson Ross missed another start with elbow discomfort, leaving Jim a start short.  Joe Smith and Huston Street (SMITH STREET!) both threw in 3 games this week, but only were able to record 1 SV/H between them and Koji Uehara only threw in 1 non save/non hold game, allowing Zach to take that category.


Les Moles 7
Bob's ATers 5

Last night I was getting ready for bed (at a bit before 9pm no less...we live the exciting life in the STC), when I checked the scores for the playoff matchups to get a feeling for what I was going to write about in the recaps.  I had checked them on Friday night or Saturday morning or sometime earlier in the weekend, and Bob was pretty much sticking it to Tom (I think the score was somewhere around 8-4).  So when I checked in last night and it was 6-6, I started doing a little freak out because I have no idea what the tiebreaker is in the event that it would have ended 6-6 (for the record, Yahoo uses head to head record in the regular season as the first tie breaker and playoff seed as the second one...in this case Bob would have had the tie breaker thanks to his 15-8-1 record against Tom this season).  After I got over that, I checked to see who, if anyone, each still had playing and how they could impact the final result.  Tom had Devin Mesohornyraco.  Tom had Billy Hamilton and Aroldis Chapman...and the Reds were up 3-1 at the time.  There were 3 categories that could reasonably be turned - Tom held the BA lead by percentage points, Bob led OBP by .331-.330 and Tom led WHIP 1.12-1.17 (it turns out that I was wrong about WHIP.  Chapman did come into the game and recorded 3 outs without allowing a base runner and Bob's WHIP dropped only to 1.15).  The game was in the 6th inning at the time, Hamilton was 0-2 with a walk and Meso was 0-3.  Hamilton grounded out to end the 7th inning, which left them in a virtual tie in both BA and OBP. 
In the 8th inning, Meso hit a 3 run bomb, nudging Tom in front, but the more important things (for our matchup), were the Jay Bruce HR two batters after Meso and the walk to Yorman Rodriguez (who the F?).  The walk ensured that Hamilton would come up again in the 9th inning, where a hit or walk would likely leave the score tied at 6 and let Bob advance.  Unfortunately for Bob, Hamilton grounded out weakly to the pitcher, someone named Nick Greenwood (I am convinced that this is a fake name being used by the ghost of Rick Ankiel), to end the 9th...and this matchup.  Hamilton wasnt just Bob's tormentor in this game, he managed to hit 059/238/059 with 0R 0RBI and 0SB for the week (WORSE THAN JEAN SEGURA!)  Bob got Escalator Club weeks from Edwin Encarnacion (357/400/536 2R 6RBI) and Jorge Soler (316/409/632 3R 5RBI) and a great week from Dee Gordon (323/323/387 6R 2RBI 3SB) but he still only managed to win 2 of the 6 categories.  Tom got a solid, abbreviated, week from Andrew McCutchen (313/522/500 2R 0RBI), but it was Ian Desmond (316/350/684 5R 3RBI 1SB) and Adrian Gonzalez (333/375/633 6R 9RBI) who were the real stars of the week for Les Moles. 

On the pitching side, each time had aces who struggled (Zach Greinke 5K 7.20/2.00 and David Price 5K 7.94/1.94 for Tom; Chris Sale 6K 9.00/2.20 and Marcus aStroman 10K 5.25/1.58 for Bob), but each also got strong starts from other members of the rotation.  For Tom, Jake Arrieta (1W 13K 0.00/0.22 1 QS) and Carlos Carrasco (1W 12K 0.00/0.33 1QS) offset the struggling aces, while Jordan Zimmerman (1W 4K 1.50/0.83 1 QS) and Yordano Ventura (1W 7K 1.29/0.71 1 QS) were strong for Bob. 

Playoffs - Quarter Finals - F the stinking Mets

First things first.  I am sure by now that everyone has heard the Adrian Peterson stuff, which is just another act in a long line of thuggery from athletes who are paid to play the most popular sport in America right now.  It makes me a bit sad to be able to draw a line from AP and Ray Rice, to Greg Hardy, to Aaron Hernandez, to Jovan Belcher, to Plexico Burress (stupid), to Donte Stallworth to Ray Lewis (allegedly), to Rae Carruth...and so on.  And those are the names I can remember off the top of my head.  I find myself wondering who to blame.  Obviously, each of these men made choices that lead to their actions and crimes (alleged or otherwise) in their off the field lives.  But we as a society glorify them for the exact same violent streak when it happens in the confines of a football field.  Coaches nurture it, cultivate it, purposely enrage it under the guise of "firing up" their players.  I work in a job that requires no violence.  But I do have to use problem solving skills and come up with quick and cost effective ways to do/fix things for which I usually dont have the proper tools.  I dont turn that off when I go home.  When I am at home and something breaks or needs to be fixed, my brain automatically starts thinking, "What do I have here that I can use as a temporary fix for this until I have time to get to the store to buy the long term fix?"  Is it all that much of a stretch to think that football players, who are prompted and prodded to be aggressive and violent wildmen for 40+ hours a week and to hit their opponents, to "take out the head and the body will follow," will not have their brains automatically jump to that when they are confronted with a situation in their home lives?  Don't get me wrong, I am in no way, shape or form justifying or condoning violence towards any person in any way.  I am just pointing out that maybe glofiying violence in sports isnt the way we want our society to be trending and that we should definitely be teaching our kids that professional athletes shouldnt be role models just because they are good at sports.
I am guessing that only a couple of you remember when Charles Barkley, back in the early/mid 1990s, came out and said that he didnt want people's kids considering him a role model and it created a huge media storm and fan backlash against him.  He was pointing out that kids should be looking up to their parents and to people who did good work in the community, not to athletes who happened to be good at something extremely trivial.  I was too young to know it at the time, but Barkley could not have been more right.  Too often we equate being good at a sport with being a good person...and the two do not always come in the same package.  But kids dont see that.  Kids start looking up to athletes because they see their parents doing it.  I was talking with a co-worker today about the AP situation and he told me that he had put his 11 year old son's #28 Vikings jersey away in the closet this weekend and that when he told his son what AP had done to his little boy, my co-workers boy was so saddened that he almost broke down in tears.  But the boy hadnt come to be a fan of AP because he watched and liked him.  The boy started idolizing AP because my co-worker (a huge Viking fan) had cheered and rooted for AP for several years and the boy equated that cheering and rooting from his father (who he idolizes and wants to be just like) as reason enough to believe that AP was worth idolizing.  Kids cant understand the difference between rooting for a player and celebrating a man. 
I hadnt really thought of this much before today, but it will definitely influence how I handle myself in cheering for athletes around my children.  I actually see it already.  As a way to annoy my wife (and get my daughter interested in the Bears), I taught my 3 year old to say "Go Bears," which she does at every sight of the Chicago C or Bears logo...and at other completely random times, and to say, "Jay Cutler is my favorite player."  A couple weeks ago, we taught her about Adrian Peterson and told her that AP is on her fantasy team, and she even made up unprompted stories about him.  Last night, when we were telling her that we didnt want to root for AP anymore because he was a bad man who did mean things to his son, she responded with, "But Jay Cutler is not a bad man.  He is a good boy."  That was when it hit me that my kid thinks that Jay Cutler is a good person solely because I root for him, and in her eyes, I would never root for someone who is a bad person.  I dont think that means that we need to stop rooting for football players, or baseball players, or hockey players (thats for you Jim), or any other athletes, but I do think that means we, as a society, need to do a better job of glorifying other jobs, like teaching, doctoring, nursing, construction(ing?), and people who do things that make a difference for the sake of making a difference like volunteers for Habitat for Humanity or people who give blood/plasma.   I know most of you dont have kids yet, but when you do, please remember this.  Rooting for sports teams can create a lifetime bond and hundreds of shared memories for parents and children, but it needs to be put in proper prospective in order for our kids to have a healthy interest.

Now that thats out of the way, a house keeping/expectation setting note.  I know that there is a consolation bracket (I didnt know this last week), but I am going to pretend that it doesnt exist.  If you cannot make the playoffs, I am not going to write up a little ditty about your feel good, everybody gets a trophy matchup.  This also applies to something that has been titled "the 5th place game" between Kyler and I, which I will never acknowledge again, even under threat of prosecution.  If I get arrested, and the judge is all like, "did you play in the 5th place game in the Tater Tot league in 2014?"  I will be all like, "I dont know what you are talking about your honour." And then Ill get 20 days in the clink for perjury...but whatever.  Non playoff games arent happening in my world.

So, there are only 2 games to recap today.

#3 UCCMA - 10
#6 BySs - 1

No wonder no one could hit Quintana on Saturday.
His ball was radioactive, radioactive.

Jim's team was dominant this week, putting up a 313/400/464 line...AS A TEAM and with Giancarlo Stanton out after Thursday...and stealing 10 bases.  Sorry Kyler, you ran into a buzz saw offense this week..not much you can do in that situation except hope that you can win the pitching categories.  Wait...Jim also had a 1.94/0.96 line on the pitching side?  FYL.  For Jim, Michael Brantley 400/483/520 4R 5RBI 2SB) and Freddie Freeman (400/480/550 1R 3RBI 1SB) renewed their Escalator Club memberships while no one did for Kyler.  Really, outside of Jonathon Lucroy (385/467/462 3R 5RBI), no one on Kylers squad had a particularly great week.  On the pitching side, Kyler is glad that he never ever ever ever has to endure another Tim Hudson (2K 54.00/8.00) start.  Hudson played the part of pinata this week against the Dodgers, giving up 6 runs on 8 hits in only 1 completed inning...it was the shortest start of his 16 year MLB career and sent the Dodgers off en route to a 17-0 drubbing of the Giants.  For Uncle Jimmy, there was no one who encapsulated this week better than Jose Quintana, who twirled a 7 inning, 1 run, 5 baserunner, 13K gem at the Twinkies on Saturday.  When that happens, as an opponent, you know your fucked for the week.


#5 Les Moles - 7
#4 MBHB - 5

As a completely objective outsider to this matchup, I can definitively say that this extremely close matchup came down to 2 crucial points.
- 1 - The Mets decision to shut David Wright down prior to Tuesday's game left MBHB in a huge hole in the counting hitting categories.  Les Moles won Runs by 1 and RBI by 3.  An active 3b, almost any active 3b, would have pushed MBHB over the top in 1 or both of those categories.  I wish that it had been only 1, because I have no idea what would have happened in the case of a 6-6 split and I like it when things completely break down (its like Kyler said with USC football or Duke basketball or the Skankees).  As it was, Wright sat, MBHB fell and fuck the Mets.

- 2 - Our old friend Houston pitcher Dallas Kuechel decided that he was going to spin 6 no hit innings at the best offensive team in baseball on Sunday afternoon, giving Tom the victory in QS and keeping the ERA and WHIPs low in a very tight race where a single run (more likely 2) and a few baserunners would have flipped those categories.  I guess its fitting that, in a season where I have at times both ridiculed and praised Houston pitcher Dallas for his obscurity and success, that he would be the one to drive the nail into MBHB's season.  If I ever make fun of him again, even if he gives up a Hudson (which allowing 6 runs in a 1 inning outing will now be called), I want someone in the comments to simply post, "Dallas says playoffs." 

No wonder he had such a great week

A couple of quick notables from the match up:  Carlos Santana played himself into the keeper conversation over the last couple of months, hitting 284/396/557 in games active for MBHB, and finished it off with a 346/379/654 5R 6RBI 1SB week.  For Les Moles, Andrew McCutchen had an Escalator Club week, finishing 345/406/517 with 5R 1RBI and Ian Desmond pushed the counting stats with 5R 5RBI 3 SB to go along with his 348/423/435 slash line.  On the hill, Felix Hernandez had 2 QS, 16K and 1.38/1.23 ratios, but came away winless.  His line was matched almost perfectly by Jon Lester, who finished with 2 QS 15K 1.29/1.21 ratios, but his teammates hit enough to get him a pair of wins (which also happens to be the number of wins that Les Moles won that category by).

The Ickey Shuffle

When I was 7 years old, there were not many things that I loved more than the Ickey Shuffle.  Ickey seemed larger than life (he's listed at having been 6'2" 231 pounds, which, to a 7 year old might as well be Paul Bunyon), wore the most spectacular helmet this 7 year old had ever seen (the Bengal stripes...most people either love them or hate them.  I think that the helmet is classy, but all the stripes and uniform combinations that the Bungles are completely unnecessary) and danced in the end zone after every touchdown.  In 1988, this was a rather new concept that had not yet caught on amongst Woods' football playing brethern.  To be fair to Ickey, he only celebrated TDs, not simple things like tackling a WR after he has gained 16 yards like todays DBs often do (I saw someone in the Bills-Bears game do this this weekend...wait...that was Chris Conte getting stiff armed back to his high school prom by Fred Jackson).  Anyways, if you havent seen the Ickey Shuffle, here is a link. (The music makes me think that hampsters are going to jump into the fray and dance with Ickey.  I cannot decide whether or not this makes the video better.)  Enjoy the Ickey.  Unfortunately, after running for over 1000 yards and 15 TDs as a rookie, Ickey tore up his knee in the second game of his second season, and was really never the same.  He hung around for only 2 more years before fading into obscurity...until Thursday night.  The embedded Geico commercial brought Ickey back for an entire new generation to love and enjoy, and made those of us who appreicated him the first time remember how much we loved his antics.  Its not the first time I have enjoyed a Geico commercial, but it is the first time one has made me stop, watch and say "thats fucking genius" loud enough for my wife to hear and to think that I am losing it (or that my pain meds are talking again).  In this week's potentially league altering matchip between John and Kyler, the long dormant KIODL team took the Superstars out behind the shed and made them beg for the whoopin before delivering it to them.  It was only because Tom's LesMoles put together a solid Sunday slate and kept Tyler from hanging on to the 8-3 lead that he had entering Sunday, that Kyler is limping into the playoffs.

 

 

Heres a quick look at the upcoming playoff matchups before we get to the recaps:

 

BYES: Bob's ATers, The Zach Attack - Congrats to the division winners...enjoy the week off/

 

#3 UCCMA vs #6 BySs - Jimmy storms into the matchup, having won outright in 7 of the last 8 weeks, including an 11-1 stomping of BySs in week 19.  Kyler, on the other hand is 3-6-1 in his last 10 weeks.  The season series is at 13-11 in favor of Jim.  With Kyler's team at less than 100% (both Melky Cabrera and Brett Garnder are out, Cabrera for the year, Gardner for an undetermined amount of time and the pitching staff has been struggling), Jim looks like the favorite to move on in this matchup.

 

#4 MBHB vs #5 Les Moles - The Bastards are struggling, having gone 2-7-1 in the last 10 weeks, including several lopsided matchups.  But MBHB did manage to pull out a win when they needed to, dispatching Dusty with the season on the line.  Since opening the season 4-8, Tom's team has been en fuego, finishing 8-1-1 over the last 10 weeks (the loss was a 6-5-1 tightly fought contest), and rising from the bottom of the league to briefly flirting with the Harmony division title.  On the year, the Bastards hold a 14-10 series lead, but the most recent of those was the 6-6 tie in week 15.  With his plethora of starting pitchers, and the Bastards' ability to forget how to hit for weeks on end, Tom is the favorite to move on to face one of the division winners next week.

 

 

Week 22 Recaps

Each of the matchups this week had the potential to impact the playoff race, but ultimately, we enter the playoffs the same way that we would have if week 22 had never happened.  There were 10 Escalator Club memberships punched this week, and a couple of more would have qualified had they gotten more than a handful of plate appearances. For the last time in the 2014 regular season, lets hit the recaps.  But first, one more time...with feeling:

UCCMA (133-117-14) - 8
Huckleberries (105-141-18) - 2
Tie - 2 (R, 24; SB, 3)

It finally happened.  On one end of the spectrum we have the Yanger Zone to signify players who hit 000/000/000 for an entire week, but no one had been the Unbreakable to his Mr. Glass...until now.  Carlos Gomez hit 1000/1000/1000 this week (who cares that it was only 1 PH at bat on Sunday), meaning someone has finally acheived perfection and that man is Gomez!  So, should another man improbably hit 1000/1000/1000 for a week, he will be said to have Gomezed (and shudders just ran down John's spine...sorry John, its like Nightmare on Elm Street come to life.)  In other news in this matchup, both Buster Posey (565/593/957 8R 8RBI) and Michael Brantley (444/500/519 4R 4RBI 2SB) Escalatored for Jimmy while Javier Baez (083/214/125 1R) hit the adjustment window like a sparrow who didnt see it coming.  On the flip side, Danny Santana (417/440/500 7R 1RBI 3SB) continued to show the Twinks that he belongs in the discussion as part of the next contending MN team (think 2018) and makes an interesting case to be kept as a keeper with is 320/358/475 season line in 354 plate appearances.  Also, Victor Martinez (who needs to present no case to be kept) continued his monster season with a 480/567/960 6R 7RBI line for Kevin.  On the hill, Jim won 5 of the 6 categories, but didnt get a truely dominant effort from anyone on the staff.  Tyson Ross struck out 15 over 2 starts, but those Ks were accompanied by a 1.63 WHIP.  The recently traded Wade Davis had 4 SV/H and 0.00/0.67 ratios, and Joe Smith picked up a pair of rogue wins to lead the staff.  Kevin got the weeks best SP effort, as Gio Gonzalez picked up a pair of wins to go with 3.00/0.83 ratios, but only got 7 Ks.  Trevor Rosenthal picked up a win and 3 SV/H to lead the relievers.

MBHB (131-121-12) - 8
Dust Bunnies (117-132-15) - 4

The plan was simple.  All Dusty had to do was beat the Bastards by 8.5 or more and he was in the playoffs.  Unfortunately for Dusty, he fell behind early and, despite a super human effort from Miguel Cabrera (500/500/1067 8R 9RBI), wasnt able to catch up.  For the Bastards, first time starter Chris Carter did what Chris Carter does...catch touchdowns hit BOMBS.  Carter finished the week 444/524/1000 5R 7RBI 1SB filling in for the injured Anthony Rizzo who was filling in for the injured Paul Goldschmidt.  Carter strikes out entirely too often and is one of the few players who may end up with more HRs + 2bs + BBs than singles in any given year (currently 100 to 105 singles), but, damn if that Houston offense isnt starting to get interesting fast.  With Carter, Altuve, Spinger, Dexter Fowler and Matt Dominguez on the big squad and a bevy of prospects including Carlos Correa and Jon Singleton  (if he ever figures out how to not strikeout every other at bat), the Astros are a lot closer to winning than people realize.  If not winning, they are a lot closer to destroying a large number of baseballs (and strikeout records).  I am all in on the 2015 Houston Astro offense.  If they offer free tacos and do a completely unnecessary countdown to the free tacos, I will officially adopt the 2015 Stros as my favorite AL team.  Also for MBHB (back to fantasy), Oscar Taveras (in extremely limited action) finally started hitting like the top prospect that everyone promised he was, posting a 500/583/800 3R 4RBI line that will keep him in the Bastards starting lineup for another week. 

On the hill, Dusty's SPs were fairly strong, but they only had 5 starts on the week, leading Dusty to lose all the counting categories.  For MBHB, Cole Hamels had a pair of quality starts (including the first 6 innings of the first combined No-Hitter in the 132 year history of the Philadelphia Phillies), but the real hero of the matchup was Brad Boxberger and his 2W 7K 0.00/0.25 1SV/H.  If only Dusty hadnt fallen asleep behind the wheel during the middle of the season...

ZAttack (130-122-12) - 6
Bobs ATers (150-96-18) - 5
Tie - 1 (SV/H, 6)

In a preview of what might be the first league championship, the two division winners squared off with Zach needing to put in a good showing to clinch the first round bye.  His win is nice, but with Tom and Kyler struggling, Zach would have clinched the bye with a much more mediocre showing.  Instead, Zach takes a win over the top team in the league into the bye.  The ZAttack was led by How Many Altuves (429/455/714 5R 4RBI 2SB) and a Nelson Cruz ressurection (407/467/963 6R 12RBI). Zach even started Shin Soo Choo, who is on the DL and is out for the year, as a giant "F" you to Bob.  Zach told me (through a medium, since I have never actually talked to Zach), "Bob can suck it.  I dont even need to field a full team to beat his bunch of scroats."  Bobs scroats struggled on offense, with no one player standing out for the week.  Jose Abreu finished with 0s in the runs and RBI categories.  Dee Gordon didnt steal a base.  Billy Hamilton finished 200/273/200.  Yuck.  Luckily, they have time to get their heads right before taking on the winner of Les Moles vs MBHB (i think...I have no idea if they re-seed or not).  On the bump, Zach got spectacular outings from Shelby Miller (1 QS 5K 0.00/0.86) and Clayton Kershaw (1W 8K 1.13/0.63 ho hum) and a decent outing from Jeff Samardzija (9K 0.86 WHIP but 5.14 ERA), as well as 14 Ks across a pair of starts from Zach Wheeler, but he was able to take only 2 pitching categories.  Bob's SP group of Wainwright, Sale, Jordan Zimmerman, Yordano Ventura, Alex Wood, and Marcus aStroman combined for 5W 37K and 7 QS.  Each of them had an ERA under 3 for the week.  Even better than the SPs, the RPs combined for 11 Ks 6 SV/H and didnt allow a single run.

Les Moles (129-124-11) - 5
MTMTAS (114-129-21) - 4
Tie - 3 (W, 3; QS, 5; SV/H, 1)

Pick me a winner Drew.

Coming into Sunday, this matchup had a very different feel.  Tyler was up 9-3, which combined with Kyler being down 11-1 meant that Tyler was in the playoffs and Kyler was out.  I sent Kyler a text in the morning asking if he was hoping for his team to turn it around or for Tom's to start playing well.  He responded with, "Both," but he was hoping that Tom's team would come around because he didnt have much confidence in his own.  Luckily, Tom's team did come around, lead by Adrian Gonzalez's 6 Sunday RBIs and 292/370/667 4R 9RBI week.  Other than Gonzo and Mauer (333/448/458 4R 5RBI), Tom's hitters were fairly average this week.  Tyler's hitters couldnt even be called that, with Allen Craig (059/273/059 0R 0RBI), Andrelton Simmons (130/167/130 1R 2RBI) and Alex Gordon (158/304/316 4R 3RBI 2SB) all failing to reach the Mendoza line and Jay Bruce (200/200/500 2R 5RBI) barely getting there.  On the pitching side, Tyler won 3 of the categories and the other 3 were tied (I think this is the first time that Tom hasnt won a pitching category in a week).   Drew Smyly (15K 2.31/0.94)  and Corey Kluber (1W 10K 1.51/1.11 1QS) led the way for the Moors while David Price (1W 19K 3.45/1.28 1QS) and Jon Lester (5K 2.25/0.88 1QS) pitched well in vain for Les Moles. 

Week 22 MSSSMRMoW -



John's beatdown of Kyler is week 22's Mike Shaw
Subaru Super Mo Replay Matchup of the Week.

This is it.  The last of the Mike Shaw Subaru Super Mo Replay Matchup of the Week.  Next season, we will look for new corporate sponsorship options and will likely move on from the Shaw.  It's been a great run and I know that I have gotten far more enjoyment out of a random Subaru dealer in Colorado than any one person should be able to.  I hope that some of the rest of you have as well.  If you have ideas for next season's featured matchup of the week, let me know and we can contact them and see what they will offer us.
For the last Shaw, we have the matchup that is as close as we have ever had to a complete skunking.  Coming into the matchup, John's team had been eliminated and had really nothing to play for.  Kyler's team needed only to make sure that they didnt get destroyed, and they would walk easily into the postseason. Well...

Team	R	RBI	SB	AVG	OBP	SLG	W	K	ERA	WHIP	QS	SV+H	Score
KIODL	20	14	6	0.256	0.309	0.390	2	38	2.60	1.16	4	9	11
BySs	9	11	0	0.192	0.282	0.300	1	39	6.61	1.55	3	7	1

So much for that.  Luckily Kyler got some help from Tom and I and was able to hold onto his spot anyways.  Also luckily for Kyler, Tim Hudson struck out 1 Detroit Tiger in 6 innings of Sunday work to give him his only category win this week.  If he hadnt pulled that category out, BySs would have been the first and only team to fail to win at least 1 category in a week.  So thanks, Tim Hudson, no one at next year's draft really wanted to see Kyler have to the old Euchre skunking penalty of running to the nearest stop sign in the nude.

I am going to go through these kinda quickly.  John's team had a decent week, but really the story of this matchup is the epic terribleness of the Backyard Nonstars.  The DLers offense featured a pair of players who had legitimately good weeks, several mediocre to poor weeks and one disaster.  Josh Harrison (421/421/579 3R 2RBI) and Coco Crisp (429/429/429 0R 0RBI 3SB) led the way while Albert PooHoles (5R 5RBI) and Lucas Duda (.414 OBP 3R 4RBI) pitched in.  Only Jacoby Bellsbury tanked hard this week with a 130/160/304 3R 2RBI line. 

Kyler, on the other hand, had exactly 1 player who would qualify as either legitimately good or mediocre (Jonathon Lucroy, who with a 320/414/440 1R 2RBI week, was actually pretty solid).  The other 6 starters (Daniel Murphy was in the lineup but on the DL) were all terrible with the now injured for the rest of the season Melky Cabrera (143/188/214 1R 1RBI) and Matt Adams (111/150/278 1R 3RBI) being the lowest of the low. Yaisel Puig has started losing time to Joc Pederson in the LA outfield, as Puig is only 23 of 126 with 13 walks, 3 2bs, 0 HRs, 4 RBIs and 1 SB since August 1st (182/259/206 slash line) and was 143/333/143 this week. As a team, ByNs hit 192/282/300 and combined for 1 fewer RBI than Nelson Cruz.  If they had ended up missing the playoffs, I would feel bad about making fun of them this much.  But since they made it, it will go down as just a terrible week instead of the league defining collapse that it almost was.

For the pitching, Kylers struggles continued, as only Craig Kimbrel (0.50) finished with a WHIP under 1.00 (Alex Cobb finished with 6K 0.00/1.00 1 QS as well).  Otherwise, Sonny Gray (2k 10.80/1.80), Henderson Alvarez (1K 11.57/1.71) and Rafael Soriano (5K 13.50/2.63 1 SV/H) continued their recent struggles.  Gray has seen his effectiveness decrease as his innings have increased, Alvarez has struggled because he is Henderson Alvarez and has now been replaced by the recently acquired Doug Fister in Kyler's starting lineup and Kyler has been trying to trade Soriano for the better part of 2 months now, with no one taking the bait.  With Danny Duffy coming out of his Saturday start after one pitch due to "discomfort", Kyler's staff is coming apart at the worst possible time.  I think I am starting to smell a "No one believed in us" upset run to the league championship.

For John, the season ended much like it started...with some dominant pitching.  Most of the names are different, as Masahiro Tanaka, Jose Fernandez and Johnny Cueto have been replaced by James Shields, Matt Shoemaker's Beard (until this week) and Johnny Cueto's dreadlocks.  Cueto has been a rock all season, with his 1W 8K 1.29/1.14 1QS line bringing his season total to 17W 213K 2.23/0.98 in 214 innings.  Shields (1W 6K 0.00/0.36 1QS) is having a bit of a down year and Mark Buehrle (4K 0.00/0.75 1QS this week) has come crashing down to Earth after his sensational start to the season, and I am curious to see if either of these guys will be kept.  Matt Shoemaker (2K 6.75/2.25) had a rough week, but had entered on a 21 inning scoreless streak and has been a huge piece of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim California USA Earth's rotation.  With his work as both a SP and RP this year, he will likely retain that designation for 2015 and his numbers 14W 117K 3.25/1.10 in 121 2/3 innings mean that the LAAACUE will crayola him into a starting rotation that should feature Jered Weaver, Garrett Richards, CJ Wilson, Shoemaker, and Tyler Skaggs or Hector Santiago...not quite the Dodgers rotation, but nothing to sneeze at either.

I am still waiting on a couple of the stragglers to get their choices in for next season's keepers.  Right now keepers due March 1, due at the draft and the graduated plan with some due at different points all have 2 votes.








GI Joe Kung Fu Grips

There are now 20 weeks in the books and here is how we stand:

Rank	Team	W-L-T	Pct	Div GB	OA GB	Playoff
*1	Bob's Aters	135-88-17	0.598	-	-	CLINCHED
3	MBHB	122-106-12	0.533	15.5	15.5	+11
4	UCCMA	120-108-12	0.525	17.5	17.5	+8.5
2	LesMoles	119-114-7	0.51	-	21	+5.5
5	BySs	111-111-18	0.5	2.5	23.5	+3
6	Zattack	113-116-11	0.494	4	25	+1.5
7	Dust Bunnies	110-116-14	0.488	26.5	26.5	-1.5
8	MTMTAS	102-121-17	0.46	12	33	-8
9	Huckleberries	101-123-16	0.454	34.5	34.5	-9.5
10	KIODL	101-131-8	0.438	17.5	38.5	-13.5

Bob has clinched the first ever Tater Tot playoff spot (Spud?) and MBHB and UCCMA are sitting on solid ground in 3rd and 4th, respectively.  UCCMA has been on a huge run over the last 2 weeks, taking out Kyler's BySs in a beatdown and following it up with a bashing of the Hitless ones this week.  The only team hotter than Jim's right now is Tom's Molesters who have jumped from out of the playoffs to leading the race for the second bye week in only 2 weeks.  The BySs have gone from virtual playoff lock to fighting for their seasons to continue.  Zach has remained relatively consistent and is hanging in 6th place while Dusty has fallen from 4th place 2 weeks ago to on the outside looking in.

The matchup with the highest potential to alter the standings this week is the BySs vs LesMoles matchup.  The pairing gives Kyler a chance to reclaim the bye heading into the final week of the regular season but it also give Tom the chance to solidify his lead while potentially knocking Kyler into 7th place purgatory.  The other matchup featuring teams that would be in the playoffs if they started today, features MBHB and ZAttack.  A good showing from MBHB means that I can relax in the final week, but also likely means that Zach falls from 6th to 7th, depending on how Dusty's matchup with Merry Tyler's Moor Traveleing All Stars ends. 

Tyler and Kevin are not eliminated yet, but are super long shots and would need to basically put up double digit wins this week, Kevin against Bob and Tyler against Dusty.  John...well...sorry John, hopefully next year the injury bug doesnt jump up and bite you over and over and over again like it did this year.  If John somehow makes the playoffs, we will likely be telling our kid's kids about it 35 years from now as the greatest comeback in the history of Totdom.

One of the things that has struck me about looking at these standings is the average weekly record of the teams (its much easier to see with 20 weeks in the books).  As the top team in the league, Bob's ATers is averaging a 6.75 - 4.4 - 0.85 record per week while last place KIODL is averaging a 5.05-6.55-0.4 one.  There is less than a 2 win/loss difference between the top and bottom teams...meaning that this has been a specatularly balanced league and that anything can and will happen in any given week.  Now that I have said that, the Hitless Bastards will probably go out and lose 10-2 this week and I will somehow end up missing the playoffs entirely.

Week 20 Recaps - Drooling the Drool of Regret onto the Pillow of Remorse

I'm just gonna get it started:

Bob's ATers - 8
KIODL - 3
Tie - 1 (SB, 6)

The secret to Bob's success.

And with that...Bob clinched a playoff spot and is only 1 game away from clinching the 1st round bye week and top overall seed (and the non-existent home field advantage that comes with it.  Our fake teams are going to fake hate to have to fake travel to rural Iowa to fake face the ATers...).  Remember when I traded Jason Heyward to Bob and predicted that he would go off because he was now on /ob's team...well Heyward's 407/452/556 6R 7RBI week puts him amongst the top performers in the league for week 20...and takes away any doubt that I had that Bob is feeding his players performance enhancing drugs like tic-tacs.  Heyward, along with Jose Abreu (364/440/636 4R 5RBI), Anthony Rendon (304/448/391 7R 2RBI 1 SB) and Billy Hamilton's legs (4SB) propelled the ATer offense, though they won only 2 categories because of Edwin Encarnacion's 158/158/172 in his first week off the DL.  Normally you cant blame one player, but the categories were so close, that you really can in this case.  John didnt have a single Escalator Club player this week, but he did get solid contributions from nearly the entire lineup.  The highlights: Lucas Duda had 7R and 11RBI (and a 348/385/1000 slash) and Jacoby Ellsbury stole 4 bases and put up a 409/435/455 slash line.  On the mound, Bob's squad really took it to John's, winning all 6 categories in convincing fashion, in large part due to 2 of John's starters residing on the List 'O the Disabled and the other 3 starting pitchers being Johnny Cueto (4K 7.20/2.20), James Shields (1W 6K 3.00/1.67 1 QS) and Mark Buehrle (2K 4.26/1.42 1 QS).  Bob got double digit Ks from Chris Sale (15), Hisashi Iwakuma (12) and Jordan Zimmerman (10) as well as a dominant run from Aroldis Chapman (9K 0.00/0.25 1SV/H in 4 innings).


Les Moles - 9
MTMTAS - 2
Tie - 1 (QS, 6)

Tom is pumped LesMoles are on a roll and heading
towards a playoff berth.

The good times are finally rolling in Molesterville.  After a rough start to the season (and getting on the wrong end of some high scoring matchups for both teams), the schedule has been breaking friendly for Tom's crew.  Its hard not to get excited when you can dominate the hitting categories (winning 5) while starting players like Josh Donaldson (077/143/077 0R 0RBI) and Chase Utley (120/185/120 2R 3RBI 1SB) despite not having a single player hit over .318.  Joe Mauer (5R, 8RBI), Adrian Gonzalez (4R 6RBI), Ian Desmond (6R 6RBI 2SB) YoAnus (4R 7RBI) and swan song Ben Revere (308/357/308 4R 2RBI 3SB) provided a balanced attack in the win.  Just to be clear...Ben Revere knocked in 2 runs this week bringing his season total (119 games, 479 plate appearances) to 15.  He also has 11 walks, in case you were wondering.  I am fairly confident that a hyena wearing a cowboy hat (or a Tom wearing a cow on his head while having a random girl eating his shoulder and soul) could successful work roughly 11 walks in 479 plate appearances.  The reason Tom was able to win despite nothing spectacular on offense was that Tyler had even less, bottoming out with Allen Craig (200/333/300 0R 0RBI) and a YANGER ZONE 000/000/000 from supposed uber-prospect Gregory Polanco, who was optioned to AAA this morning.  On the mound, the highlight for MTMTAS was getting 6 wins from 6 different pitchers and getting 11Ks from Ervin Santana across a pair of starts.  Tom, once again, got his typical stellar pitching, winning 5 categories behind David Price (9K 0.00/0.13 1QS), John Lester (7K 1.29/0.86 1QS), Jake Arrieta (1W 5K 1.29/0.71 1QS), John Lackey (7K 3.00/0.83 1QS) and our old friend Houston pitcher Dallas Kuechel (5K 3.38/0.88 1QS).  Once upon a time, I had that many pitchers on my team that were not on the DL, let alone having that many pitchers have good weeks at once.


UCCMA - 8
MBHB - 3
Tie - 1 (SV/H, 3)

This matchup was actually much closer than the 8-3-1 final would indicate, as many of the matchups were decided by a very small margin.  But, as they say, close only counts in horseshoes, hand gernades and nuclear missles.  Uncle Jimmy got an Escalator Club week from Buster Posey (409/435/818 5R 3RBI), 6R and a .500 OBP from Freddie Freeman, and a 381/536/476 3R 6RBI week from TMGS to lead the way on offense.  The Hitless Bastards had a Escalator Club performances from Anthony Rizzo (346/414/731 3R 4RBI 1SB - so maybe I cant be too mad about Heyward) and Jayson Werth (423/484/615 5R 7RBI 2SB) as well as a monster ratio week from Oscar Taveras (409/458/455), but couldnt overcome Xander Bogaerts' 071/235/071.  I still believe that Bogaerts will be a stud someday...but it is looking that like day is going to be in 2015 or beyond.  On the mound, UCCMA took 4 categories behind Lance Lynn (1W 5K 0.00/0.86 1QS), Tyson Ross (8K 2.25/0.75 1QS) and 13 Ks from Max Scherzer, despite a couple of uncharacteristicly poor outings from the reigning Cy Young winner.  MBHB could have changed their name to MBPB this week as, other than MadBum (1W 12K 3.86/1.14 1 QS) and Rick Porcello (1W 4K 0.00/0.33 1QS) there wasnt a lot to like.  Garrett Richards' injury and Jesse Hahn's demotion at the beginning of the week left MBHB very shorthanded and with little room for error. Cole Hamels bad start combined with implosions from Tyler Clippard and Casey Janssen made it so that Jim could have started 6 different straw scarecrows and he probably would have won the pitching categories...and his guys are better than straw scarecrows.


BySs - 6
ZAttack - 5
Tie - 1 (SB, 1)

Kyler and Zach were roommates until a couple months ago, so the matchup this week, while it was still big because they talk and hangout a lot, wasnt as big as it could have been when they were living together and could have wagered things like taking out the garbage, doing the dishes, buying the beer, cleaning the toilet or any other random thing that you could have bet on with your roomie.  Cest la vie.  Kyler was able to win this matchup by taking 3 of the hitting categories and splitting a 4th.  Daniel Murphy (381/435/429 4R 2RBI), Kung Fu Pandoval (417/407/542 1R 4RBI) and Justin Upton 333/382/600 4R 11RBI) led the way for the Superstars, who were able to overcome a 111/238/111 1R 0RBI 1SB line from Brett Garnder and a 111/200/111 3R 0RBI 0SB line from ManBearPuig.  Zach got craptastic weeks from Salvador Perez (176/176/235), How Many Altuves (217/308/217) and the free falling Nelson Cruz (143/250/571) that somehow pulled down the most insane hitting week that this league has yet seen.  David Ortiz only had 4 runs and a pair of RBI, but managed to go Full David Ortiz World Series Mode in putting up a 647/769/1118 line.  None of that is a typo.  I seriously cannot even fathom someone putting up a 1.887 OPS over an entire week in anything other than video games.  And I repeat, his team lost more hitting categories than they won (though they did win OBP and SLG, thanks entirely to that madness).  Of course, Ortiz is out tonight after getting hit by a pitch Saturday and fouling another off his foot yesterday.  On the pitching side, the teams split 3 wins apiece behind a number of spectacular performances (Clayton Kershaw, Mike Minor, Danny Duffy, Alex Cobb, to name a few).  But it is the terrible ones we are going to focus on.  First, for Zach, Jeff Samardzija had his worst outing of the year, giving up 7 runs to the Mets and finishing the week with 3K and a 17.18/2.45 ratio.  Its a tough turn, but the Shark should bounce back.  For Kyler, Koji Uehara finished the week with 2Ks and 32.40/4.80 ratios.  Uehara gave up 6 runs this week, including 5 in 2/3rds of an inning on Friday against the Mariners.  To put that in perspective, Uehara gave up 9 runs in ALL OF 2013 (74 innings).  He has now given up 15 earned runs this season, which is almost as many as he gave up in 2012 and 2013 combined (16) and more than he has given up in any season since his 2009 rookie season when he was a starting pitcher with Baltimore.  Koji Uehara giving up 5 runs in a single game is like seeing Hallie's Comet while being struck by lightning during a 5.0+ magnitude earthquake while standing in rural North Dakota between 12:30 and 12:45 in the afternoon.