Week 16 ass hDLes

There were a injuries to 4 players in our starting lineups this week, each with its own degree of impact upon that player's team.  Wait...what's that?!?  Nooo...gaaaaawd nooo...thats The Goulet's Music!!!!

IT'S A SURPRISE GOULET!!  I went back through the archives and found that we havent had a power rankings since June 12th...and really, we shouldnt go more than 4 or 5 weeks without one.  I played around with a logo for it since...really something as spectacular as The Goulet should have its own logo.  Let me know what you think in the comments section...ideas for improvement are always welcome.  If you think it sucks, you can tell me that, but dont hold it against me if I tell you that you suck.

Same format as with the previous 2 Goulets, though with measureably less Jedd Jerko, fewer senile billionaire rants, and 38% more mustache.  On with the GOULET!

#855489966 - Bob (.1 pts; LR - NR) - Bob officially becomes the lowest entity ever ranked in the Goulet.  This is not because he is a dick (even though he is), as I have come to accept that Bob is just going to always do those little things that dicks do, like bid $1 more for a player than you do or pick up a player that you dropped because he was hitting under .100, put him in the lineup and then see him put up a 300/400/500 slash line for 5 straight weeks.  No, this is because Bob refuses to fill out those damn 7 questions that I have now sent him twice and that he assures me are "almost done."  I call shenanigans! Its one thing to beat my team on the completely imaginary field, Bob, but when you start messing with my emotions, you're going to get not-so-publically called out on a blog that approximately 8 people read.  TAKE THAT BOB...WHO"S THE DICK NOW?????

#133 Huckleberries (49 pts; LR - #153) - The Huckleberries continue to confound me.  Kevin's squad as actually overtaken Dusty's team in the batting avg category and is now leading the league in BA and is still second in OBP and SLG.  In fact, the Val Kilmers are an astounding 14-1 in the batting average category this season, the best record of any of the teams in any one category (this is my favorite learned stat from this week).  The problem is that all of these hits are still not translating to RBI and that all of the baserunners are still not translating to runs scored, at least on the season long totals.  The team has crawled out of the basement in both R and RBI (to 9th in each) but I think that the deficit that Jerad:The Galleria of Holes in the Lineup (I GOT ONE MORE!!!) left in the counting stats has been tough for Kevin to overcome when looking at the stats holistically.  The hitting is heading in the right direction.  The pitching though, does not appear to be.  The team is last in W, ERA and WHIP and second to last in K and QS.  Kevin has done a great job getting this team back into contention for a playoff spot, but I would be surprised if he makes the postseason without addressing the starting pitching.

#105 MTMTAS (52 pts; LR - #11) - Oh Tyler.  Remember back when your team whooped my teams collective butts and I had to eat a whole shit ton of humble pie for making fun of your team?  Seems like a long time ago, eh?  I seem to have an affect on teams that, when I make fun of them, they start playing well.  I am pretty sure it is because my insults cut straight to the core of the players very beings.  So...I promise, I am just trying to help you out here...because your hitters could definitely use the help.  Currently, Tyler's team is hitting 256/325/391, which is roughly the exact batting line being put up by the Cleveland Indians this season and only slightly off the league average line of 252/316/390.  In fantasy, we generally are well above the average because we are supposed to be using the best players in the league, not the Yangervis Solartes of the world (sorry Jimmy).  I am guessing that Tyler is only paying passing attention to his team.  How else would you explain the decision to continue playing Allen Craig at 1b (other than that Kyler has all the 1b and Tyler doesnt want to trade with him), Andrelton Simmons over Starlin Castro at SS, or a bunch of mediocre guys over Mat Latos?  In fact, I am just going to move on.

#92 Injuries (53.29 pts; LR - NR) - The NR is only slightly accurate, as the Platonic UCL made the previous Goulet installment.  This time, I am talking about 2 types on injuries, both suffered by ass hDLes this week.  1) The Sunday injury which isnt disclosed until Monday, just before the games start.  Is there anything more maddening than checking the games on Monday only to find out a guy who you just decided to start is going to miss the entire week and not accumulate any points?  Hey Justin Morneau, didnt see you standing there.  I should have because you arent playing at all this week and if Kyler loses R or RBI by less than 5 (he will probably win them anyways, rendering this moot), then hes gonna be coming for you like a wildebeast.  2) The injury to the superduper star who has been destroying the league and caused a certain commish to spend at least 1 hour on the interwebs looking to see if he could find a place to buy a TuloGit2Quit tshirt. This is just depressing to all involved.  Tulo is still having a special year, but he likely wont be back when eligible to come off the DL and who knows how he will play when he does, and if the injury lingers, a shutdown could be on the horizon.  Good thing Dusty doesnt really pay attention (its not a good thing) because I definitely offered him Reyes, Verlander and Cole Hamels for Tulo and he never bothered to reply.  If he took that, my season would be pretty much in the shitter.

#15 Zattack (55 pts; LR - #15) - The previous two teams are both at the bottom of their respective divisions, showing that their record has been pretty consistent with their performance...but Zach has the Attack in first place in Harmony.  Much of the discrepency has to do with the performance in Wins and ERA, where the team is in the bottom 3 yet has posted above .500 records.  The team is legitimately great with SLG% (3rd in the league, 11-4 so far this year), thanks in large part to Nelson Cruz and the surging Ryan Braun.  The continued success of this team is going to be one of the interesting plot lines to follow during the last 7 weeks of the regular season.

#14 The artists formerly known as MWP Masters (61.5 pts; LR- #7) - The injury free fall continued this week with starting OF Ryan Zimmerman hitting the DL after Tuesday's game.  The injury to Zimmerman will press Pedro Alvarez back into the lineup and leaves John with Zimmerman, Yadier Molina, Kamakaze Tanaka and Jose Fernandez on the DL and leaves only 1 bench spot available for a person that is currently available to play on a MLB team.  KIODL is currently last in the league in runs scored, 3rd to last in RBI and second to last in slugging (second worst hitting team overall).  With all the injuries and the waiver wire pretty barren, a series of trades might be the only way that John is able to ensure that he wins this battle in the never ending war with Tom.

#10 11 Dust Bunnies (64 pts; LR - #10) - It may look like the Dust Bunnies havent fallen in the rankings, but they have.  In fact...I am going to go back and change it from 10 to 11 and here is why.  Dusty currently is starting AJ Pierzynski at catcher (he was DFA'ed like 5 or 6 weeks ago), no one in his 3rd OF spot, Luis Avilan (sent to minors) and, now, an injured Tulo.  Apparently my wife texted her sister and told her that if Dusty doesnt get his shit together that I am going to kick him out of the league.  Her response was that "Dusty doesnt want to mess his team up by changing anything."  WTF on so many levels.  How does one mess up his team by doing things like fielding an entire starting lineup of actual major league baseball players.  Right now, if we could some how figure out a way to start Willie Mays Hayes or Jake Taylor or even Clu Haywood, they would have as much impact on the matchup as the guys he is currently starting...and they are ficticious.  Fuck man, this pisses me off so much...Dusty is officially on the clock, I dont even care how pissed off my sister in law is going to be.

#10 The little video highlights thing they just added to the my team page in Yahoo! (64.22 pts; LR - #NR) - Uncle Jimmy pointed this out to me earlier today...and really, its a pretty cool little addition.  It looks as though it provides some kind of video highlight for each and every player.  I watched a couple of them and its pretty cool.  I mean, I am not going to watch them regularly at all, but if I want to check out a couple of highlights from games and players I dont get to see much (now that my Direct TV free trial is over :( ), its nice to have.  It does make me wonder about some players though.  It is easy to have highlights for players like George Springer or Giancarlo Stanton because they do impressive things multiple times a week..but what does Yanger's highlight video look like?  Does it show a never ending loop of strikeouts and weak groundballs to the SS?  I am not going to look because I dont want to ruin the image in my head.  If someone does check, please just lie to me and tell me that its Ks and groundout.

#9 UCCMA - (64.5 pts; LR - #8) - This continues to be one of the most balanced teams in the league (I believe the term I used last time was "almost perfectly mediocre") as Uncle Jimmy's team is no higher than 3rd best in any category and no worse than 3rd worst in any category.  The balance has helped him stay pretty even over the course of the season and gives him a chance to win each category in every week.  If he makes the playoffs , it will be interesting to see how he matches up against a team that is more specialized for certain categories.

#8- Backyard SuperStars (73.5 pts; LR - #6) - Kyler's team currently sits in 4th place in the league rankings (and there are 3 teams ahead of them here) and are solidly in the playoffs if they manage to not screw up any one week completely.  They have managed to get to this point mainly on the strength of their pitching, particularly SV+H, where they are leading the league and have gone 11-2-2 so far this season.  Kimbrell, Uehara, Soriano and Rodney all score highly enough that Kyler has been able to use a swingman who shant be named as a SP in RP clothing to help out in wins, strikeouts and quality starts, where he is below average in each.  Hitting-wise, Kyler has maintained a solid group of slash stats, but has yet to see the a bump in the counting stats and is only 2 games above .500 in the hitting categories as a whole.

#6 - MLB Trade Deadline (74 pts; LR- #NR) - The MLB trade deadline is my favorite of the major American sports trade deadlines because there is so little movement in football, the hockey players traded are rarely big names and basketball sucks.  The MLB trade deadline produces some of the most fun headlines and storylines to follow along with.  MLB Trade Rumors (which is awesome by the way) currently has posts about the Mets trading Fatolo Colon and eating some of his contract (which is funny because its about a guy named Fatolo and eating), the Mets being interested in trading for Troy Tulowitzki (because I am sure there is some team in MLB who wouldnt be at least interested should the Rockies decide to trade the best SS in the league), and about Ruben Amaro refruting an earlier report that the Phillies had talked about DFA'ing Ryan Howard.  There are a bunch of things about actual trades that might happen (Jake Peavy to STL for a couple minor leaguers, for instance) and the stuff usually hits MLBTR before it hits a big media outlet like ESPN.  Jimmy, dont ask, I dont know if things get on Twatter before MLBTR.  Anyways...the deadline is next Thursday and in the coming days teams will be deciding if they are trying to be buyers or sellers.  The Cubs will be trying to sell, though I am not sure they have much left that people actually want.

#5 - MBHB (75 pts; LR- #5) - The Bastards are yet another strange case.  Despite being in the bottom 2 in average and in the lower half of the standings in OBP and SLG, Mark Baker's Bunch is second in the league in runs scored, 3rd in RBIs and 4th in stolen bases and is 12 games over .500 on the hitting side.  On the pitching side, SV+H continues to be a sore point but MBHB is in the top 2 in Wins, Ks and QS and is close enough to the middle in ERA and WHIP that they are 8 games over .500 in the pitching categories thanks in large part to the unexpected success of Garrett Richards and his 11 wins, 139 Ks in 137 innings and 16 quality starts...and his RP/SP designation that allows him to be a 6th starting pitcher.

#3 - Les Moles (76.5 pts; LR - #3) - Your eyes are not deceiving you.  Les Moles, with the 8th best record (78-96-6, .450 winning %) is the second best team if you look at the stats in isolation.  Sorry Tom...we obviously dont play in isolation.  Strange things keep happening during matchups involving this team.  Les Moles currently are tied for the second most SBs on the season, yet are 7-8-0 in taht category on the year.  They have the most wins total, but are 6-6-3 there.  They have the 3rd best ERA but are an astonishingly terrible 6-9-0 on the season.  The only way I can explain it is that, when they are good, they are really good and are winning by a bunch while when they are losing categories, they are narrowly losing.  This is the team that no one should want in the playoffs because once they start, anything can happen and the stats say that this team is massively underperforming.

#2 - Alienating not only your fanbase but an entire race of people (80 pts; LR- #NR) - This one is a couple of weeks old, but I cant pass up the opportunity to write way too many words about it.  So...once upon a time at the beginning of a magical month called "July", it was raining during a White Sox-Angels game on the South Side of Chicago.  The White Sox pulled an actually classy move (for the first time since 1984 approximately) and gave out ponchos to every fan who wanted one to keep the rain off.  The good news was that they were like giant baggies and they did a great job of keeping people from getting soaked in the stands.  The bad news was that the ponchos were white...and had pointy hoods...and when you looked at them from afar, they did a really good job approximating a robe that would be worn by the Ku Klux Klan.  Did I mention that this was on the SOUTH SIDE OF CHICAGO?  For those of you unfamiliar with the general geography and population distribution of the city of Chicago and/or the location of US Cellular Field, here's a brief run down.  The South Side is primarily populated with minorities, many of those minorities are African American, and many of those minorities are extremely loyal White Sox fans. 

The Cell, is in a lower income neighborhood that is not far away from some federal housing projects (The Projects, for those of you who have seen bad gang movies).  So not only would handing out ponchos that made ithe game look like a pretty major Klan Rally piss off the majority of your fan base, but, if it didnt stop raining and people didnt notice what they were wearing resembled the uniform of the most biggoted organization since the Nazis, there would be a large number of people walking through a primarily minority populated area wearing what looks like the epitome of hatemongering. 

In this case, there would have been no safety in numbers.  Seriously, if you took the Sox logos off of those things, what do you see?  Check out the guy at the bottom of this picture to the right where the logos are blocked out by the dugout he is sitting behind.  Leave it to the White Sox to inadvertantly escalate the organization from one that has fans who jump on the field and beat up other teams coaches to one that accidently promotes racism and may or may not be trying to maim its own fans.

#1 - Bob's ATers (89 pts; LR - #2) - We open with Bob and we close with Bob.  Bob's team is the juggernaut in the room.  On offense, he is 4th or better in every category except OBP and his pitching is dominating ERA (his team ERA is 2.89, the next closest is 3.24) and WHIP (his 1.08, next 1.16), is second in SV/H (5 behind Kyler, 8 ahead of Kevin) and 3rd in Ks (75 behind 1st place MBHB, 56 ahead of 4th place John).  It is a bit crazy, but 2nd in the Goulet, Tom is closer to 6th place Dusty than he his to Bob...that is how dominant Bob's collection of players has been.  Hell...Casey McGehee has even proven to be semi useful.  Once Edwin Encarnacion comes off the DL, this team is not going to have any holes.  Toters, we are still chasing Bob...we cant let him win...we cant let him taint the Holy Crispy Crowns with his dickishness.

I She Be Your Power Rankings! Vol II - AKA The Goulet Reloaded

So I know that its Thor's Day again, but this time, I promise that I did not forget to send the questions out.  It was a conscious decision to take a week break to bring you the second installment of the Goulet, which was more than over due.  We havent seen Michel running around this blog since after week 4 and to me, that seems a bit outrageous.  Like...if I were yousall, I would be all over the comments asking, pleading, demanding more Goulet like Christopher Walken demanding more cowbell.  Like last time, we will go in reverse order.  There will be 16 entries in honor of the number that Michel Goulet wore on his back for the Hawks for 5 seasons, but the lowest number wont be 16 and I may skip a few numbers here and there because my counting abilities are unreliable.

There are 2 notes before we get started. #1- "We Get Tacos" is being given honorary #1 status for life.  At this point, it is completely unfair to everything else in the world to include it in these rankings, so in the spirit of TRL, it is being retired.  For those of you who dont remember when MTV had music on it and who think Carson Daly is just the creepy guy who semi-molests people on The Voice, TRL (Total Request Live) was a daily video count down show that was on at the exact time when most middle and high schoolers were getting home from school but whose parents were not home from work yet.  (Holy shit, I just looked it up and TRL, which started in 1998, was on the air until 2008?  How did this happen?  Was anyone still watching?) On the show, if a video was on for a certain number of days in a row (it started at 65, then dropped to 50, then to 40 because, heaven forbid people get to hear music and see videos they like on a show called Total REQUEST Live), it was put out to pasture and never shown on the show again.  There were way too many of these videos (146 over the course of the show) and many of them featured boy bands like N'Stync and Backside Boys, but there were a few legit songs in there as well, from Korn's "Freak on a Leash" and "Got the Life," to Outkast to Tom Green's "The Bum Bum Song."  Anyways, "We Get Tacos" is being retired at #1, forever and for always.

Larmer, JR, Goulet = many goals

Secondly, Uncle Jimmy forwarded me a tweet (cuz he is up on what the kids are doing these days, clicking that link was the first or second time I had ever been on the twatter) from Jeremy Roenick where he posted this here picture.  Not only is is a pretty perfect snapshot of life in the early 1990s, but it features, what I would consider to be, the greatest line a hockey video game has ever produced.  In NHL94 (which also happens to be the greatest hockey video game ever made), the Blackhawks were scary good, thanks mostly to JR, who EA turned into the hockey equavelent of Bo Jackson in Tecmo Bowl, Eddie the Eagle Belfour (the highest rated goalie in the game), and Chris Chelios.  But JR's starting left winger, and my favorite Blackhawk from the early 90s, Steve Larmer, was a formidable pixelman as well.  The other starting winger was Christian Ruutu, but for those of you who remember Ruutu (not Tuomo) he pretty much blew at playing hockey both in real life and in video games.  I always changed him out with either Goulet or my second favorite Hawk from the early 90s, Brian Noonan.  Even back then I enjoyed screaming "NOONAN!" at people...strange how some things never change.  Usually it was Goulet though (I let Noonan hang out on the second line with Brent Sutter and Joe Murphy.  I no longer have NHL94, but I do have NHL95 (not quite as great, but still classic) for Sega.  I am thinking that at next year's draft there will be an NHL95 tourney for anyone that is interested in sticking around after the draft is over.  If not a tourney, then at least a large number of games played between multiple people (I also have World Series 95, Madden 96 and RBI Baseball for the old school Nintendo, if your poison is something other than hockey).  I wish next years draft was this weekend.

Anyways, back to the Goulet!  The number in parentheses is the overall score at the moment; it is an amalgamation of the position rank for each team in each of the 12 scoring categories. LR means "last rank", as in the ranking in the last Goulet.

#855489965 - Jedd Jerko (.162 (his current BA) points; LR - #92) - Jedd is still dead to me.  Though now is is also dead to Tyler and, most likely, to the Padres.  Well, maybe not because he has a contract that will pay him roughly $35 million through 2019.  Not a bad haul for him, though I cannot imagine the Padres are too pumped about paying a guy that much money when his first season looks eerily similar to Dan Uggla's first season and this year looks like Uggla's most recent season without the home runs.  There's still time for Jerko to turn it around, hes only 25, hes a newish father and the Padres will keep giving him opportunities to earn all that money they now have to give him if he plays or not.  I just wont be paying attention.  You're no Garrett Richards, Jedd.  Not in the least.

#153 - Huckleberries (45pts; LR #149) - Kevin has taken over and the team is looking better (once again I am bracing for the inevitable loss that the Bastards will take facing Kevin this week), but the overall results have yet to be seen.  In one of the stranger stat combinations, the Huckleberries are second in the league in both batting average and OBP, but dead last in runs and RBI.  So...they get hits in bunches and get on base a ton, but never when anyone is in scoring position and no one ever hits them in?  I am very confused.  Luckily for Kevin, that is a trend that cannot continue long term.  The pitchign categories are where this team is really hurting.  They are in the bottom 3 for every pitching category except SV/H.  The rebuilt staff should help, and this isnt a Roto League so the cumulative numbers dont mean much beyond giving me something to play with.

#152 - Lake Pepin Golf Course Men's Softball (52 pts; LR #NR) - So...I mentioned last week that my softball team managed to get ourselves shut out in an actual game (5 innings...we lost 13-0) and that, despite the terrible display, we are, in fact, in the top division in Rochester and managed to finish last season in 3rd place behind two teams that play tournaments on pretty much every weekend of the spring, summer and fall.  So this week, we managed to go 4 more innings without scoring a single fucking run.  NINE SCORELESS INNINGS IN A ROW IN SLOW PITCH SOFTBALL.  We did manage to push across a crooked number in the 5th, but went in order in the 6th and had a double play turned on us on an infield fly in the 7th with no outs and the tying run at the plate.  I feel much much shame.  Weve now scored about 52 runs (I guesstimated, Im not looking that shit up) over 6 games, which isnt horrible, but it certainly isnt going to win us a whole lot of games.

#15 - ZAttack (57 pts; LR #13A) - Zach may have fallen in the ranks, but in reality his team is performing better than it was at the last Power Rankings when he had 51 points.  There has been a bunching of the teams as the top ones have fallen off their torrid start of season pace.  Zach's offense has been middle of the pack in 4 of the scoring categories, but he is last in OBP, yet 3rd in SLG.  A big part of that SLG% is tied to the otherworldly performance of Nelson Cruz (I'm not saying that his performance has been enchanced because of contact with extraterrestrials, but if you look at his hair in blue light you can see that it probably was enchanced by extraterrestrials) and his .624 SLG%.  The ZAttack is in 4th in both ERA and WHIP, but is in the bottom 4 of all the counting stats.


#11 - Merry Tyler's Moor Traveling All Stars (63 pts; LR #13B) - Last Goulet, we couldnt seperate the brothers from one another, this time we say "Grow up Fuckers.  This is the real world and not everyone gets a trophy. Now go grab me another carton of Marlboro Reds and 3 Schlitzs."  MTMTAS has the single worst offense in the league so far, coming in the bottom 2 spots in RBI, AVG, OBP and SLG and in 6th spot in both R and SB. The totals have been severely hampered by the slow starts from Carlos Santana (sans hitting ability) Brian McCann and Andrealton Simmons.  The numbers show Tyler has been lucky in both RBI and OBP, as despite being the 9th best team in the league in those categories, he has gone 5-4-1 in RBI and split OBP 5-5 through 10 weeks.  While his hitting has been atrocious, his pitching has been the second best in the league.  The Traveling ones are in the top 3 in the league in every pitching category other than strikeouts, in which they are a mediocre 6th despite having Cory Kluber and his 104 K and Stephen Stratsburg and his extremely quiet 108 K.  With the pitching, Tyler is getting a bit unlucky as despite having the best ERA in the league so far, the Moors are only 5-5 through 10 weeks.

#10 - Dusty's Nustys (63 pts; LR #8) - It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way....  Dickens may have been writing about the dichotomy between Dusty's hitters and his pitchers instead of about the French Revolution (his foresight from 1859 is pretty incredible.  Maybe he was buddies with Nostrodomous).  The Nusty's hold the top spot in R, RBI, BA, OBP and SLG (last in stolen bases) behind what is arguably the greatest fantasy baseball 8 hitter lineup in history.  The problem is that Dusty's pitchers are the lowest scoring group in our little game.  He is last in K, ERA, WHIP and QS, 8th in wins and 6th in SV/H.   It isnt going to get better now that Francisco Liriano has hit the DL and Dusty has stocked his bench with nothing but hitters.  Phil Hughes's 7 wins and Glen Perkins's 16 SV/H are the only things keeping Dusty above the cellar in those categories.  Relying on Twinkies to keep you competitive is a bold strategy on par with not having enough players to play in the championship Dodgeball match on ESPN8: The Ocho.

#9 - Ulnar Collateral Ligament - Platnoic Ideal Edition (65pts; LR #NR) - I am not sure how many of you are familiar with Plato and his ideas on archetypes, but the quick and dirty is that Plato belived that there was a perfect version of every object floating around out there in the heavens somewhere and that every version of that object on Earth was an imperfect reflection of that perfect version.  So...take a chair for example.  The ideal chair is out there somewhere, hanging out with the Nelson Cruz aliens, and every single chair on Earth is a different, abstracted reflection of that one chair.  Now, the Platonic ideal of the Ulnar Collateral Ligament was never discussed in the versions of Plato that I have perused (maybe it was a translation issue), but I am pretty sure that the perfect one up there is now snapped into a couple of pieces and it is just taking time to reflect down to those of us on planet Earth and it isnt hitting us all at the same time.  There have obviously been a number of these injuries this year requiring Tommy John surgery, but if that damn Tommy John takes Adam Wainwright and his majestically beautiful 12-6 curveball away from me for a second time, I might just go Postal on everyone's UCL and speed up the process of our Earthly UCLs catching up with the ideal UCL.

Jose Veras - We Can Call Him Al for life

#8 - You Can Call Me Al (67 pts; LR #11) - Here is what you need to now about Uncle Jimmy's team. His team is second in R and RBI behind the Dusty Juggernaut (Dear Giancarlo, Goodbye, and thanks for all the RBI), but is middle of the pack in all other offensive categories.  His pitching is good on wins and Ks, but below average in all other scoring categories.  His team is almost perfectly mediocre (67/12 - 5.58, aka between 5th and 6th place average for all categories) which should leave him teetering on the playoff bubble and will drive him nuts for weeks.  The other thing to know is that I did, for a period of time on Tuesday, consider increasing roster sizes by 1 player for everyone, only giving Uncle Jimmy Jose Veras and reversing any transaction that would have removed him or sent him back to the waiver wire.  Jim was less than thrilled by this idea and called me a mean commish at which point I broke down crying and abandoned the idea altogether.

#7 - MWP Masters (69 pts; LR #3) - My how the mighty have fallen.  In the first Goulet, John's Johns were far and away the best team in the league with 96 points.  Since that week, John's team has been thrashed by injuries, with none more damaging than the season ending UCL injury to Jose Fernandez.  With that injury, MWP has fallen to the middle of the pack in W and K, but has been able to maintain a stellar ERA and WHIP thanks mostly to Kamakaze Tanaka and the Whirling Dirvish Johnny Cueto.  What has really perpetuated the fall has been MWP's hitting as they are now in the bottom half of the league in 5 of the 6 offensive categories (second in SB thanks in large part to Tacoby Bellsbury's 18).

Can anyone seriously look at this and not thing "Bazumbas!"?

#6 - Backyard Superstars (72 pts; LR #4) - BySs is another team that is very strong (top 3) in AVG, OBP and SLG, but in the bottom 4 in R and RBI.  Much of the rate stat success comes from Yasiel Puig's demolition of the NL West but the work of Jonathon Lucroy has gone largely uncelebrated by the ESPN masses.  All Lucroy has done is hit 341/403/509 over 258 plate appearances.  The former Rajin Cajun has only 28 R and 28 RBI, which somewhat is 2nd in R for catchers and tied for 6th in RBI at the position.  The Charlie Blackmon experiement didnt go as well as Kyler had hoped, but for $1 it was worth the chance.  The pitching staff right in the middle of the pack in 4 categories, lagging in QS, but dominating in SV/H behind the superstar bullpen Kyler had amassed.  It will be interesting to see if that advantage continues now that Kyler has handed one of his RP spots over to a SP in SP/RP disguise.

#5 - Mark Baker Hitless Bastards (74 pts; LR #7) - Movin on up!  The Bastards are a middle of the road offensive group with above average counting stats and below average rate stats...aka the opposite of Kyler's team.  It seems that, if a Bastard gets on base, he seems to score at a disporportionate rate compared to other players or that we have one Paul Goldschmidt who has 49 R and 48 RBI propping up the team totals to respectable levels.  That does not bode well for the future output for the Commish.  Luckily, the Bastards can pitch a little as we sit atop the league in W, K and QS while we are middle of the pack in ERA and WHIP and scrapping the bottom of the barrel in SV/H.  That is obviously directly related to the SP/RP strategy that maximizes innings pitched in hopes of doing exactly what the results show, increase W, K and QS while not hurting ERA and WHIP too much and punting SV/H.  I'm not sure if thats a long term viable strategy or not, but we will see.

#4 - Senile Billionaires (74.5 pts; LR #NR) - So there have been a couple of billionaires in the news in the past couple of weeks that seem hell bent on proving to the world that they are senile.  One of them, Donald Sterling, some how thinks that getting kicked out of an old boys club for making racist remarks in the privacy of his own home, but having racist actions for the last 30+ years in his housing business entitles him to sue said boy's club for $1 billion or keep his team.  However, he has to prove that he isnt a crazy old man so that the courts will allow him to stop the current sale his wife negotiated for $2 billion.  Obviously the best way to do this is to get super pissed off and threaten to sue everyone who ever lived, then to back off and make extremely public remarks saying that you are ready to move on and want it all to be over with, and then a few days later deciding that, no, you arent going to take this shit lying down and your dignity and First Amendment rights are at stake.  Most people would think that that twisty turny list of events is definitely evidence of someone who should be in charge of billions of dollars and is more than capable of making their own rational, thought out business decisions.  He damn near made his wife's case for him.  I wish he would just go away and be an old curmedgeony ass hole out of the TV spotlight.  And the only way that is going to happen is if he volunteers to go away.  The only thing that people love to hate more than a billionaire is a racist, ahole billionaire, and hate draws ratings and the TV stations know it. 
The other senile billionaire resides on the North side of Chicago, where Tom Ricketts seems to think that if he keeps pushing forward with the Wrigley renovations that the roof top people (with their signed contracts with the Cub organization) are going to eventually break and allow him to put up giant screens and billboards that will definitely block their view.  He is even going as far as to threaten to move the Cubs from Wrigley if he doesnt get his way.  So much for the "being good neighbors" crap he was trying to feed them when the family first took over as owners.  Ricketts better be careful, there are people who drive from all over the country to see a game at Wrigley, they dont come to see the Cubs play.  People have always flocked to Wrigley regardless of the product on the field because of the historical significance of the park itself.  Take that away and people stop coming to experience the field, see the ivy and imagine what it was like there when Babe Ruth trotted around the bases in the 1932 World Series, when Gabby Hartnett hit his "Homer in the Gloamin" or when the lights went on for the first time back in 1988.  I dont know if youve seen the product on the field lately, but it isnt pretty.  The future looks bright for sure, but for every top prospect that turns into a superstar, there are a baker's dozen that never see the show.
 I understand that Ricketts wants to update the player facilities like the locker rooms and batting cages and whatnot, and I can fully support that as a fan of the franchise knowing that players weigh those things in deciding where to sign or more importantly for the Cubs if the prospects pan out, where to stay.  But fundamentally changing the Wrigley field experience by adding a jumbotron or more advertising spaces in hopes of raising revenue when the owners are already multi-billionaires, reeks of greed and craziness and a complete lack of understanding of what makes Cubs fans Cubs fans.  Of course, if the Cubs win a World Series, Ricketts could personally drive the bulldozer into Wrigley field while wearing a White Sox hat and a Cardinals jersey screaming "Fuck the Bears and I hope D Rose never recovers" and people would happily join him.

#3 Lester the Molester (75 pts; LR #6) - Wait, what?  Despite being 46-69-5 and in last place overall, Les Moles is actually the second best team in the league if you look at the sum of their stats.  Les Moles is average to slightly above in every hitting stat, 4th in R, RBI, OBP and SLG, 5th in AVG and tied for 6th in SB.  On the pitching side, Tom's team is second in W, K and QS while slightly below average in 7th place in ERA and WHIP and dead last in SV/H.  Whereas most teams are stronger on one side of the ball than the other, Tom's team is built to be above average across the board...and it is killing him in the standings.  To be honest, I am very surprised that Tom's team has done as poorly as it has, but these numbers prove one of two things.  1) Tom has been one of the most unlucky fantasy baseball players in the history of fantasy baseball, or 2) having a well rounded team is the best way to limit your chances to be successful because you will never be dominant enough in other stats to overcome a down week in others. 

#2 Bob's AutoTrackers (88 pts; LR #5) - Bob is still a dick.  But he is a dick with what has been so far a spectacular team.  If Tom's team is the arguement against a balanced approach, Bob's is the arguement for it.  Bob's hitters are 5th in R, 3rd in RBI, 7ths in AVG, and 6th in OBP and SLG.  The biggest difference is that Bob's hitters are dominating stolen bases.  He has 68, the second place team has 42.  That domination means that he can pencil that stat as a win every single week (he's 9-1 this year) and that he can sustain a few blips across the other offensive stats and still be competitive.  When he won Billy Hamilton for $30 and Dee Gordon (I wont mention the price so that Kyler doesnt start crying and ruin his computer), I snickered a bit because I view those guys as 1 dimensional players.  I was right, they are, but I was wrong in their value provided Bob could surround them with the right other pieces, and he has.  While the ATers have been averageish in hitting, they have dominated the pitchign categories.  They are 1st in WHIP, 2nd in ERA and SV/H, 3rd in W and K and 5th in QS.  Seriously, look at that pitching staff and those base stealers and you have to figure that Bob is going to win 6-7 categories more often than not, and in the playoffs that is all it takes to advance.  Hey rest of the league, were all chasing Bob at this point...time to step up.  Now get me some Marlboro Reds and 3 Schlitzs.

#1 Mike Trout, Salty
Pretzel Pusher (158 pts; LR #NR) -
Uncle Jimmy sent me this picture last night in a text with the note, "If this had Garrett on the cover, you might stick your junk in this box!"  and he isnt wrong.  There are so many things that are right with this picture that I dont even know where to start.  First, soft pretzels...I am sold already.  But that picture of Trout in the corner makes me imagine him at Angels games hanging out at the end of the dugout before the game starts where players usually sign autographs, only he isnt signing autographs, hes wearing a dark sweatshirt with the hood pulled up and hes trying to get 10 year olds to try the pretzels he keeps magically pulling out of the pocket of the sweatshirt.  "Just try one meng (hes apparently Mexican too), they are super good for you.  So much salt, its the food of the God's you know.  It's so chewy, if you dont want more you dont have to have any more, its just a trial man." And before you know it every single kid in Angels stadium is gnawing on a soft pretzel and begging their parents to go to the concession stand to buy them more and to buy them pop because the salt made them thirsty.  Its a self perpetuating cycle, and the single greatest non taco related item I have come across this season so far.  As Trout says when the kids walk away, "Stay Thirsty my friends."

I She Be Your Power Rankings! Vol I - AKA The Goulet

Required viewing before beginning: http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail13.html
For those of you at work, you might want to wait til you get home.  Its not offensive or anything, but it might look strange if you are watching at work.  And there are tons of them and they are addicting to watch.  If you have never seen these before, I am sorry. We will see you in a week or so.

Now that you are back, I have decided to make my own little version of the AP top 25 poll that makes the college football season a little bit more interesting to pay attention to.  Now, there won't be 25 items every week (or probably any week.  There are only 10 teams for god's sake) and I might not count down in order and I might include numbers over 25.  For those of you who don't know, my mind isnt all that linear and my counting abilities have proven unreliable past 4.

We shall call this segment the "Goulet" after little remembered former Blackhawk and Quebec Nordique Michel Goulet.  Goulet played from the 1979-80 season through the 1993-94 season and scored 548 goals with 604 assists (1152 points) in 1089 career games.  Yup, over a point a game for his career.  And, even though he played in the largest offensive output era in NHL history and he is Canadian, that is still pretty impressive.  Also impressive was his 825 penalty minutes and his glorious cookie duster.  Seriously, look at that thing.  John...do it.  To celebrate Goulet, I will include 16 items this week.

I created a super secret forumla for calculating the strength of each team.  As you know, there can be some wild swings in performance during a sample size as small as 1 week, so the records of each team don't always reflect the actual strength of the team.  Actually, you know what? I am feeling giving, so I will share the super secret forumla.  I put all the teams into a roto table and assigned points to each team in each category then added them all together.  YAY MATH!

WTF?  Nick N. says Damn Right.

# 34221 Adults using their first name and last name first initial, and only that initial, in their email signatures- -1243232423 points - A collegue of mine and I have been in contact with a supplier who signs his emails with "Thanks, Jeff D."  This is the only person at this supplier that I have contact with, so its not like he runs the risk of me confusing him with another Jeff that works there.  Now, there are two reasons why someone would do this whole first name and last initial thing. The first is that he likes walking in to places and pretending he is a 1990s era DJ - "Jeff D in the muthafuckin house..bitches!!! Yeeaeaaah Boooooooooy".  The second is that he was deathly afraid of Jeff M in like the third grade and now he is terrified of Jeff M showing up somewhere and being pissed that Jeff D  dropped the last initial from his name and giving him 3 wedgies and a swirly.  And Jeff D's adult ego cannot handle that torture again.  Both of these reasons stopped being valid in the 5th grade, which for me was in 1991-1992 school year.

#149 Springfield Isotopes - 47 points - So I thought the Isotopes were doing fairly well based on their 16-19-1 record and the fact that Jerad:The Galleria of Forgetfulness has been MIA.  Then I ran the Matrix.  Well...not the actual Matrix, there is no Matrix and there is no Neo.  Just buy into the system you fleshcicle, nothing to see here.  The Topes are last in R and K, second to last in RBI and ERA, third to last in W and ERA and 4th to last in QS.  The only thing they are really doing well in is S+H and that is because everybody other than Tom and I are doing really well in S+H.  We need to figure out what is going on with Jerad because every week that passes that he isnt trying to pick someone up makes it tougher to get someone to take his team. 

#92 Jedd Jerko - 47.01 points - Still dead to me

#13a/13b - The Zach"k" Attach"k", Merry T's Moors - 51 points, 48 points - I couldn't separate them like their parents used to.  I couldn't bring myself to make them fight over the 13th spot in the Goulet like they used to have to fight over the food in the kitchen, so I lumped them together.  The Jonas brothers have very similar team scores, but are getting there in completely opposite ways.  Zach"k" has an above average offense and an absolutely abmysmal pitching staff.  The Attach"k"ed have the fewest W and QS and the highest WHIP against.  The Moors are last in BA, OBP, SLG and RBI, but are in the top 4 in ERA, WHIP and S+H.  If you put them together, there would be 1 complete awesome team (Merry T'Attack?) and one team (Zach"k" Moors?) that would rank below Adults using their first name and last name first initial in their email signature.

#12 - The lost Jonas Brother - Much like Cooper Manning, the lost Jonas brother is never heard from or thought of, but his complete failure to amount to anything in worth while in fantasy sports is what signifies his existence.  That he is rated ahead of his brothers here only shows how poorly each of their teams have been performing.  Dont worry Zach and T, your nameless brother will undoubtedly lag behind like he has so many other times.

#11 You Can Call Me Al - 61 points - Despite being in the top 4 in R and RBI, none of the rest of Uncle Jimmy's team's stats are higher than 5th in their respective categories.  I wrote in the preview that SS Jean Segura was the biggest potential overpay, but even I didnt think that he would be as bad as he has been.  Segura currently has as many RBI as SBs, and hes not leading the league in SBs, so you know thats an issue.  Luckily for Jimmy, he has the Mighty Giancarlo Stanton.  Stanton has 27 RBI already...Tyler's team has 34.

#10 Doctoring Baseballs - 63 points - Last night Michael Pineda was booted from a game against the Red Sawks for having, what can only be politely called, a shit load of sticky brown goo all over his neck.  Pineda had a similar substance on his wrist in his last game he threw, also against the Red Sawks.  So wait...people made a big deal about
him using pine tar the last time he threw, which was against the same team?  And that team didnt say anything last time and got completely dominated?  And then he threw against them again and thought, "Maybe no one will notice if I put it on my neck and then borderline strangle myself before each and every pitch?  I bet I can break the rules and dominate them again and no one will say anything."  This is some next level stupidity.  Pineda should be suspended, not for cheating, but for being an absolute moron.  Doctoring the ball has a lengthy tradition in baseball and the Red Sawks openly admitted after the first game that they would have rather had Pineda with a good grip on the ball than an iffy one.  But you can't go out and dominate a team one game bending the rules and then try it against the same team a week later.  Of course they are going to turn you in, the point of the game is to win.  It'll be interesting to see how this affect Pineda.  My guess is it won't much, but come October, if the Skankess are still in the playoff hunt, teams will be looking all over Pineda to see if theres something they can use to get him off the hill.

#9 Mark Baker All Stars - 69 points - Well then...Thats not a blow to the ego or anything. Here I am sitting in 4th place in the standings behind 3 teams that are legitly the best so far, and its entirely smoke and mirrors...and volume pitching.  MBAS is in the bottom half of the league in every hitting caterogy, but thanks to the plethora of SP,RP guys, leads the league in W, K, and QS and is 3rd in ERA and WHIP.  I have been preparing for my inevitable loss to Merry T's Moors this week since Tuesday morning.  I know its coming, but that isnt going to make it hurt any less.

#8 Dusty's Nustys - 73 points - Dusty went with the top heavy offensive approach during the draft and it has paid off huge.  The Nustys are leading the league in R, OBP and SLG, are second in RBI and 4th in BA.  This offense is going to be unstoppable when Chris Davis and Wil Myers start hitting again...and that day is coming.  The downside for Dusty is that his pitching kinda sorta sucks.  He is
in the bottom half of the league in every caterogy other than S+H.  It will be interesting to see if such an unbalanced team can be successful. or if a cold hitting streak submarines his season.

#7 The League - 74 points- So, I recently started watching the FX show, The League (which is available on the Amazon streaming service for FREE is you are an Amazon Prime member).  I had never watched it before, except for a couple of random minutes here and there over the last couple of years.  When I talk to people about Tater Tot or when i think about to while I am lying in bed at night before I dream sweet sweet dreams about it, I always call it The League.  So, I wanted to see how The League stacked up to our The League.  Truth is, our is better, but not by much.  In fact, when the character Taco was introduced I realized that they were actually basing their show about a fantasy football league on our fantasy baseball league that was not going to start for another 5 years.  Thats some next level writing ability.  Anyways, I started trying to figure out who was who.  I didnt get it all figured out, but I did figure that Jerad is the one most likely to let his wife/girlfriend run his team (which is why nothing has happened with his team), that Kyler would be Ruxin and that Uncle Jimmy would be Taco.  Though Uncle Jimmy is now married, I have witnessed his next level ability to pick up any girl within 100 feet.  Also, Jimmy
would be the one most able to convince you that he had no idea he was actually in a fantasy baseball league.

#6 LesMoles - 75 points - This one surprised the hell out of me.  When you look at the standings you see Lester the Molester sitting in 10th place with a 7-27-2 record after 3 weeks. But a quick look under the hood shows that he has played the top 3 teams in the first 3 weeks.  Tom's hitting has been excellent so far.  LesMoles are in the top 5 in every hitting category other than SBs and they lead the league in RBI.  Pitching, they are tied for the league lead in wins and tied for second in QS.  Dont worry Tom, better times are coming.

Bob dancing because of his pitching staff's strong start

#5 Bob's AutoTrackers - 78 points - Bob's still a dick.  His team, however, is performing pretty good right now.  Bob is getting by weekly based on his league leading SBs and his pitching staff, which is in the top 3 in each of the 6 pitching categories.  I said before the season that Bob may have the best top 4 in our league and that has proven true.  Hisashi Iwakuma has yet to pitch this season but Bob jumped on the Yordano Ace Ventura bandwagon before the first week and has been richly rewarded.  Chris Sale is now on the mend, but Iwakuma is due back shortly.  When both are back, its going to be tough to beat Bob in the pitching categories.


#4 Backyard Superstars - 84 points - The BySs are struggling in the counting stat categories, being no better than 6th in R, RBI, SB, W, Ks, but they are dominating the rate stats.  They are first in BA, and ERA, 3rd in OBP and SLG, first in S+H, and second in QS.  Kyler's bullpen has been stellar with neither Koji Uehara or Rafael Soriano allowing a run yet this season.

#3 - MWP Masters - 96 points - John's team is most balanced in the league at this point in the season.  He is in the top 3 in 9 of the 12 scoring categories and is no worse than 6th in any 1 category.  He pitching has been unbelievable as Jose Fernandez is somehow topping his 2013 rookie season (47 Ks in 31 innings, WTF man) and Kamakaze Tanaka has been a combination of Hideo Nomo and vintage Greg Maddux.  Offensively, Freddie Freeman is so far justifying his massive contract extension and Tacoby Bellsbury has been worth the hefty $50 price tag John paid for him.  Right now, everything John is doing is turning up roses.  Rumor has it he even has a new lady friend in his life.

#2 - We Get Tacos - all the points-1 - #1 forever and for always except right now.  When I was talking with John about this last night, I told him that I was worried it wasnt going to come out quite the way I had envisioned it in my head because in my head it was glorious and I was concerned the execution wouldn't validate the idea.  John told me, "If you give us all tacos, it will be good."

#1 The Artist Known as William Shakespeare - all the points - Yup, this one is higher in the rankings than We Get Tacos.  The Bard turns 450 years old today. It amazes me that, after all this time, the works that are attributed to Shakespeare are still read and revered today. I am not sure how many of you, if any, have seen a Shakespeare play acted out, but all of the language issues that are inherent in reading the play go away and you are left with something universally true. Big Willie style has been the standard to which all other poets and playwrights have been measured, and there has rarely been one who comes close to measuring up. Basically, Shakespeare is the Michael Jordan of writing, only if Michael Jordan's accomplishments held up over 400 years and were applicable to multiple races, cultures and genders and taught lessons about love, greed, insanity and consequence. There can never be another like him, if only becaue writers now study him so extensively that they cannot help up encorporate some of his techniques and ideas into what they are creating. There is nothing new being said in literature anymore, only slightly new ways to say it and in slightly different situations. I say the artist known as Shakespeare because there has been in increasing number of scholars over the past decade or so that are struggling to reconcile the works that are attributed to the man and the facts that are known about the man. Regardless of whether the man was THE MAN, the works stand on their own.  If you haven't read some of them, you have undoubtly have sat through them in class or watched a movie that you may or may not have known was based on something Shakespeare is credited with writing.