Week 16 ass hDLes

There were a injuries to 4 players in our starting lineups this week, each with its own degree of impact upon that player's team.  Wait...what's that?!?  Nooo...gaaaaawd nooo...thats The Goulet's Music!!!!

IT'S A SURPRISE GOULET!!  I went back through the archives and found that we havent had a power rankings since June 12th...and really, we shouldnt go more than 4 or 5 weeks without one.  I played around with a logo for it since...really something as spectacular as The Goulet should have its own logo.  Let me know what you think in the comments section...ideas for improvement are always welcome.  If you think it sucks, you can tell me that, but dont hold it against me if I tell you that you suck.

Same format as with the previous 2 Goulets, though with measureably less Jedd Jerko, fewer senile billionaire rants, and 38% more mustache.  On with the GOULET!

#855489966 - Bob (.1 pts; LR - NR) - Bob officially becomes the lowest entity ever ranked in the Goulet.  This is not because he is a dick (even though he is), as I have come to accept that Bob is just going to always do those little things that dicks do, like bid $1 more for a player than you do or pick up a player that you dropped because he was hitting under .100, put him in the lineup and then see him put up a 300/400/500 slash line for 5 straight weeks.  No, this is because Bob refuses to fill out those damn 7 questions that I have now sent him twice and that he assures me are "almost done."  I call shenanigans! Its one thing to beat my team on the completely imaginary field, Bob, but when you start messing with my emotions, you're going to get not-so-publically called out on a blog that approximately 8 people read.  TAKE THAT BOB...WHO"S THE DICK NOW?????

#133 Huckleberries (49 pts; LR - #153) - The Huckleberries continue to confound me.  Kevin's squad as actually overtaken Dusty's team in the batting avg category and is now leading the league in BA and is still second in OBP and SLG.  In fact, the Val Kilmers are an astounding 14-1 in the batting average category this season, the best record of any of the teams in any one category (this is my favorite learned stat from this week).  The problem is that all of these hits are still not translating to RBI and that all of the baserunners are still not translating to runs scored, at least on the season long totals.  The team has crawled out of the basement in both R and RBI (to 9th in each) but I think that the deficit that Jerad:The Galleria of Holes in the Lineup (I GOT ONE MORE!!!) left in the counting stats has been tough for Kevin to overcome when looking at the stats holistically.  The hitting is heading in the right direction.  The pitching though, does not appear to be.  The team is last in W, ERA and WHIP and second to last in K and QS.  Kevin has done a great job getting this team back into contention for a playoff spot, but I would be surprised if he makes the postseason without addressing the starting pitching.

#105 MTMTAS (52 pts; LR - #11) - Oh Tyler.  Remember back when your team whooped my teams collective butts and I had to eat a whole shit ton of humble pie for making fun of your team?  Seems like a long time ago, eh?  I seem to have an affect on teams that, when I make fun of them, they start playing well.  I am pretty sure it is because my insults cut straight to the core of the players very beings.  So...I promise, I am just trying to help you out here...because your hitters could definitely use the help.  Currently, Tyler's team is hitting 256/325/391, which is roughly the exact batting line being put up by the Cleveland Indians this season and only slightly off the league average line of 252/316/390.  In fantasy, we generally are well above the average because we are supposed to be using the best players in the league, not the Yangervis Solartes of the world (sorry Jimmy).  I am guessing that Tyler is only paying passing attention to his team.  How else would you explain the decision to continue playing Allen Craig at 1b (other than that Kyler has all the 1b and Tyler doesnt want to trade with him), Andrelton Simmons over Starlin Castro at SS, or a bunch of mediocre guys over Mat Latos?  In fact, I am just going to move on.

#92 Injuries (53.29 pts; LR - NR) - The NR is only slightly accurate, as the Platonic UCL made the previous Goulet installment.  This time, I am talking about 2 types on injuries, both suffered by ass hDLes this week.  1) The Sunday injury which isnt disclosed until Monday, just before the games start.  Is there anything more maddening than checking the games on Monday only to find out a guy who you just decided to start is going to miss the entire week and not accumulate any points?  Hey Justin Morneau, didnt see you standing there.  I should have because you arent playing at all this week and if Kyler loses R or RBI by less than 5 (he will probably win them anyways, rendering this moot), then hes gonna be coming for you like a wildebeast.  2) The injury to the superduper star who has been destroying the league and caused a certain commish to spend at least 1 hour on the interwebs looking to see if he could find a place to buy a TuloGit2Quit tshirt. This is just depressing to all involved.  Tulo is still having a special year, but he likely wont be back when eligible to come off the DL and who knows how he will play when he does, and if the injury lingers, a shutdown could be on the horizon.  Good thing Dusty doesnt really pay attention (its not a good thing) because I definitely offered him Reyes, Verlander and Cole Hamels for Tulo and he never bothered to reply.  If he took that, my season would be pretty much in the shitter.

#15 Zattack (55 pts; LR - #15) - The previous two teams are both at the bottom of their respective divisions, showing that their record has been pretty consistent with their performance...but Zach has the Attack in first place in Harmony.  Much of the discrepency has to do with the performance in Wins and ERA, where the team is in the bottom 3 yet has posted above .500 records.  The team is legitimately great with SLG% (3rd in the league, 11-4 so far this year), thanks in large part to Nelson Cruz and the surging Ryan Braun.  The continued success of this team is going to be one of the interesting plot lines to follow during the last 7 weeks of the regular season.

#14 The artists formerly known as MWP Masters (61.5 pts; LR- #7) - The injury free fall continued this week with starting OF Ryan Zimmerman hitting the DL after Tuesday's game.  The injury to Zimmerman will press Pedro Alvarez back into the lineup and leaves John with Zimmerman, Yadier Molina, Kamakaze Tanaka and Jose Fernandez on the DL and leaves only 1 bench spot available for a person that is currently available to play on a MLB team.  KIODL is currently last in the league in runs scored, 3rd to last in RBI and second to last in slugging (second worst hitting team overall).  With all the injuries and the waiver wire pretty barren, a series of trades might be the only way that John is able to ensure that he wins this battle in the never ending war with Tom.

#10 11 Dust Bunnies (64 pts; LR - #10) - It may look like the Dust Bunnies havent fallen in the rankings, but they have.  In fact...I am going to go back and change it from 10 to 11 and here is why.  Dusty currently is starting AJ Pierzynski at catcher (he was DFA'ed like 5 or 6 weeks ago), no one in his 3rd OF spot, Luis Avilan (sent to minors) and, now, an injured Tulo.  Apparently my wife texted her sister and told her that if Dusty doesnt get his shit together that I am going to kick him out of the league.  Her response was that "Dusty doesnt want to mess his team up by changing anything."  WTF on so many levels.  How does one mess up his team by doing things like fielding an entire starting lineup of actual major league baseball players.  Right now, if we could some how figure out a way to start Willie Mays Hayes or Jake Taylor or even Clu Haywood, they would have as much impact on the matchup as the guys he is currently starting...and they are ficticious.  Fuck man, this pisses me off so much...Dusty is officially on the clock, I dont even care how pissed off my sister in law is going to be.

#10 The little video highlights thing they just added to the my team page in Yahoo! (64.22 pts; LR - #NR) - Uncle Jimmy pointed this out to me earlier today...and really, its a pretty cool little addition.  It looks as though it provides some kind of video highlight for each and every player.  I watched a couple of them and its pretty cool.  I mean, I am not going to watch them regularly at all, but if I want to check out a couple of highlights from games and players I dont get to see much (now that my Direct TV free trial is over :( ), its nice to have.  It does make me wonder about some players though.  It is easy to have highlights for players like George Springer or Giancarlo Stanton because they do impressive things multiple times a week..but what does Yanger's highlight video look like?  Does it show a never ending loop of strikeouts and weak groundballs to the SS?  I am not going to look because I dont want to ruin the image in my head.  If someone does check, please just lie to me and tell me that its Ks and groundout.

#9 UCCMA - (64.5 pts; LR - #8) - This continues to be one of the most balanced teams in the league (I believe the term I used last time was "almost perfectly mediocre") as Uncle Jimmy's team is no higher than 3rd best in any category and no worse than 3rd worst in any category.  The balance has helped him stay pretty even over the course of the season and gives him a chance to win each category in every week.  If he makes the playoffs , it will be interesting to see how he matches up against a team that is more specialized for certain categories.

#8- Backyard SuperStars (73.5 pts; LR - #6) - Kyler's team currently sits in 4th place in the league rankings (and there are 3 teams ahead of them here) and are solidly in the playoffs if they manage to not screw up any one week completely.  They have managed to get to this point mainly on the strength of their pitching, particularly SV+H, where they are leading the league and have gone 11-2-2 so far this season.  Kimbrell, Uehara, Soriano and Rodney all score highly enough that Kyler has been able to use a swingman who shant be named as a SP in RP clothing to help out in wins, strikeouts and quality starts, where he is below average in each.  Hitting-wise, Kyler has maintained a solid group of slash stats, but has yet to see the a bump in the counting stats and is only 2 games above .500 in the hitting categories as a whole.

#6 - MLB Trade Deadline (74 pts; LR- #NR) - The MLB trade deadline is my favorite of the major American sports trade deadlines because there is so little movement in football, the hockey players traded are rarely big names and basketball sucks.  The MLB trade deadline produces some of the most fun headlines and storylines to follow along with.  MLB Trade Rumors (which is awesome by the way) currently has posts about the Mets trading Fatolo Colon and eating some of his contract (which is funny because its about a guy named Fatolo and eating), the Mets being interested in trading for Troy Tulowitzki (because I am sure there is some team in MLB who wouldnt be at least interested should the Rockies decide to trade the best SS in the league), and about Ruben Amaro refruting an earlier report that the Phillies had talked about DFA'ing Ryan Howard.  There are a bunch of things about actual trades that might happen (Jake Peavy to STL for a couple minor leaguers, for instance) and the stuff usually hits MLBTR before it hits a big media outlet like ESPN.  Jimmy, dont ask, I dont know if things get on Twatter before MLBTR.  Anyways...the deadline is next Thursday and in the coming days teams will be deciding if they are trying to be buyers or sellers.  The Cubs will be trying to sell, though I am not sure they have much left that people actually want.

#5 - MBHB (75 pts; LR- #5) - The Bastards are yet another strange case.  Despite being in the bottom 2 in average and in the lower half of the standings in OBP and SLG, Mark Baker's Bunch is second in the league in runs scored, 3rd in RBIs and 4th in stolen bases and is 12 games over .500 on the hitting side.  On the pitching side, SV+H continues to be a sore point but MBHB is in the top 2 in Wins, Ks and QS and is close enough to the middle in ERA and WHIP that they are 8 games over .500 in the pitching categories thanks in large part to the unexpected success of Garrett Richards and his 11 wins, 139 Ks in 137 innings and 16 quality starts...and his RP/SP designation that allows him to be a 6th starting pitcher.

#3 - Les Moles (76.5 pts; LR - #3) - Your eyes are not deceiving you.  Les Moles, with the 8th best record (78-96-6, .450 winning %) is the second best team if you look at the stats in isolation.  Sorry Tom...we obviously dont play in isolation.  Strange things keep happening during matchups involving this team.  Les Moles currently are tied for the second most SBs on the season, yet are 7-8-0 in taht category on the year.  They have the most wins total, but are 6-6-3 there.  They have the 3rd best ERA but are an astonishingly terrible 6-9-0 on the season.  The only way I can explain it is that, when they are good, they are really good and are winning by a bunch while when they are losing categories, they are narrowly losing.  This is the team that no one should want in the playoffs because once they start, anything can happen and the stats say that this team is massively underperforming.

#2 - Alienating not only your fanbase but an entire race of people (80 pts; LR- #NR) - This one is a couple of weeks old, but I cant pass up the opportunity to write way too many words about it.  So...once upon a time at the beginning of a magical month called "July", it was raining during a White Sox-Angels game on the South Side of Chicago.  The White Sox pulled an actually classy move (for the first time since 1984 approximately) and gave out ponchos to every fan who wanted one to keep the rain off.  The good news was that they were like giant baggies and they did a great job of keeping people from getting soaked in the stands.  The bad news was that the ponchos were white...and had pointy hoods...and when you looked at them from afar, they did a really good job approximating a robe that would be worn by the Ku Klux Klan.  Did I mention that this was on the SOUTH SIDE OF CHICAGO?  For those of you unfamiliar with the general geography and population distribution of the city of Chicago and/or the location of US Cellular Field, here's a brief run down.  The South Side is primarily populated with minorities, many of those minorities are African American, and many of those minorities are extremely loyal White Sox fans. 

The Cell, is in a lower income neighborhood that is not far away from some federal housing projects (The Projects, for those of you who have seen bad gang movies).  So not only would handing out ponchos that made ithe game look like a pretty major Klan Rally piss off the majority of your fan base, but, if it didnt stop raining and people didnt notice what they were wearing resembled the uniform of the most biggoted organization since the Nazis, there would be a large number of people walking through a primarily minority populated area wearing what looks like the epitome of hatemongering. 

In this case, there would have been no safety in numbers.  Seriously, if you took the Sox logos off of those things, what do you see?  Check out the guy at the bottom of this picture to the right where the logos are blocked out by the dugout he is sitting behind.  Leave it to the White Sox to inadvertantly escalate the organization from one that has fans who jump on the field and beat up other teams coaches to one that accidently promotes racism and may or may not be trying to maim its own fans.

#1 - Bob's ATers (89 pts; LR - #2) - We open with Bob and we close with Bob.  Bob's team is the juggernaut in the room.  On offense, he is 4th or better in every category except OBP and his pitching is dominating ERA (his team ERA is 2.89, the next closest is 3.24) and WHIP (his 1.08, next 1.16), is second in SV/H (5 behind Kyler, 8 ahead of Kevin) and 3rd in Ks (75 behind 1st place MBHB, 56 ahead of 4th place John).  It is a bit crazy, but 2nd in the Goulet, Tom is closer to 6th place Dusty than he his to Bob...that is how dominant Bob's collection of players has been.  Hell...Casey McGehee has even proven to be semi useful.  Once Edwin Encarnacion comes off the DL, this team is not going to have any holes.  Toters, we are still chasing Bob...we cant let him win...we cant let him taint the Holy Crispy Crowns with his dickishness.